I see myself as a shiny and unique snow flake

i see myself as an airline pilot or court reporter, or run- away husband.
A disney world ride operator, ice-cream scooper, candy maker, nothing where I would have to smoke cigarettes, or shoot up drugs or wear a beater up tank-top outside my trailer in the summer sun.

you know it would be some kind of work where I look outside a large french window into puffy white clouds or grey stormy skies. maybe snow, maybe even winter. As long as it's good , as long as you're good to me. I'll be good to you. I think I'm going to keep my promises. I see myself, and I never thought I'd write so much about this one thing. but, you know there's always just this one thing.
I saw myself wearing a gun, but it's to late for that. the midnight western shows are over.
I saw myself making music, making porno love, making monster movies, making waves, crashing cars and getting scars with you.

I see myself riding in your car. Don't tell me it doesn't smell like ashtray and air freshener.
Don't tell me I can do anything I want to if i set my mind to it. That it's not to late. It's far to late. But there are other things i can do, just as important. I can start by telling the truth. No. not that the first time I went down on a girl, i vomited. that wasn't me, that was my friend and he told me he knew then, he was gay for sure.
That would do it! i said. so, is that why you always invited me over to go swimming in your pool?
No, the truth. Like I always thought when I ran out of things to say, I,d just go and make something up. But really, it's when I end up telling the truth.

I saw myself opening up letters and packages from young girls. stationary paper that smelled like bubble-gum and citrus. emails with offers of marriage with attached .jpg's further proof that
"I'm awesome, you're awesome, I know we would just get along "
or I saw myself decorating cakes,using magic-markers, making pizzas, police sniper, camera-guy, monk, dog-groomer, tire-changer, pumpkin carver, emt, x-ray tech, wine maker, travel agent, motel desk clerk, ..

All the promise was there in 3rd grade, where I, huffing elmer's glue and cutting and pasting bra ads from magazines to construction paper. An early band poster of sorts. bras and panties, nylons, and striped socks arranged like planets around the words WRETCHED HIVE. taken from Star Wars. the name of my imaginary band. A project that only warranted me a purple star (3 below a gold) from the narrow-minded, but busty, Mrs. todd.

photo credits:
riotstar

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

It's her daughters birthday. She turns 14. I go birthday shopping with them at the outdoor mall. I suggest Urban Outfitters but they go skipping off to Hot Topic. I mean she is 14 , I understand. There is nothing in there for me anymore. The clothes to dark and hip, the girls to young. The walls are full of t-shirts with bands. some i know. most I don't. Goofy looking Tripp pants with zippers and chains and well, the Gloomy Bear stuff didn't look so bad.

A gothy looking girl is reading Catcher in the Rye behind the counter and looks puzzled. Should i be working? changing the music?. I'm bored to beat the band. This is what I imagine her thinking. only with a girly inside voice.

It turns out she has to ring stuff up. It seems the birthday girl has selected two arm loads of clothes, arm warmer things, make-up and an Alice in Wonderland book bag just for fun. But she says she really needs the bag because someone wrote LESBO on hers at school.
Wow. Kids are still dill holes. I say.
She laughs. Everything i say is funny to her. My archaic old guy slang. ridiculous.

The birthday dinner. That wasn't so bad. Sushi. Vegetarian Sushi for them and a tempura dessert. She had Tempura oreo's with ice-cream. We had banana-filled spring-rolls with ice-cream. It sounded much scarier than it turned out to be.

Later we all watched a dvd too. She picked STAR WARS. The good one. I'd never watched it on the 60' Plasma w\ surround. It was awesome. It felt like my Birthday. I mean I might have picked going to Urban Outfitters or getting inked, but everything else.

As a bonus cliche' i remember my girl saying to me sometime back: Since it's close to your birthday, how bout we have it on Halloween? she's talking about our wedding. I tell her that sounds perfect. But let's not make it to cheesy. but sort of. but not. you know?

Now that the witch is dead. She has no idea what I'm talking about. Something to do with the Wizard of Oz. Maybe.

Like dirty sex forcing a change of sheets

It wasn’t as easy as getting the semen stains off my Star Wars sheets. Vintage ones mind - you.
Because, I don’t know what respectable person would even mention the latest 3 movies in the same breath as the first . Much- less purchase the sheet sets. Much less admit to owning them.
These are from the original Star Wars. I am proud of that. Even more so to having found them at a local flea-market. Appearing to be never used. (can you say- mint condition) .
In the hallway closet: It’s not like I don’t have the Empire and Jedi’s neatly folded and awaiting a turn to be soiled.

It was going to be difficult. But not impossible. After all these were the ones that she told me
"Any boy over the age of 12 wouldn’t still be sleeping on".
But truth be told it wasn't all that hard to get her back up against them.
Much less the fact she wasn’t even born when any of the first three movies came out. Much less the fact ...what makes her the expert on men’s bedding anyway? (except I’m sure she’s been on her share of them) damn my inner voice..
I have to admit when she was face down staring Chewbecca in the face, I got a little to excited by the humiliation factor of it all. A hard smack on the ass while giving Han a quick wink or a thumbs-up to Darth as I pulled her hair. Give that Imperialist wench what-for. He seemed to be saying in between his heavy breathing. Most likely really mine.

"Don’t get Cocky kid".
An appropriate movie quote as her sweat falls on the Wookie.
And maybe it was wrong. Maybe it’s as she said.
"It’s okay to grow up and have a big- boy room"

I thought:
Maybe it’s even okay to have a big- boy BLOG too? After so many years of friends, lies, lovers and muses on Live-journal.
It wasn’t easy. And here is the real-life analogy - I am pulling off the old sheets and re-designing the bedding and bath with Nate Berkus’ finest. http://www.lnt.com/shop/index.jsp?categoryId=2061149

As for the Blog? Here it is. New. Different. But I promise it will feel good. I promise more truth and I promise more lies.
The boy in me says..never grow up and the girl in me says.."glitter- glitter, stickers, rainbows" . But that’s another story.

My name is Christian
and this
GOOD WINTER