mischief, mayhem, cake

I've always wanted a Hallowedding. i picked up the cake, that was my job. It has the blood splatters placed like i wanted. I had to get the placement right even if it's supposed to look random. Okay, i told them to fix a few things on it , but the decorator lady wasn't mad. Now It's elegant yet spooky. Cake is important. It's wishes and luck.


I told my girl to pick out where she wanted to go after and she said Disney World, like she just won the Super Bowl. " I'm going to Disney World"
Why? i asked.
Never been. she said.
I was trying to sell her on a North Carolina Cabin i had heard about. Mountains and cold.
But how can someone have NEVER been to Disney?


It's okay because I just bought a vintage 70's mickey shirt( see tumblr) the other day and it's soft as butter and awesome. Least I'll have something to wear. I have to get ready soon. I was a few hours late to my last wedding. This time I think she's the one who might not show. That would be funny. She's not a virgin.

A quickie wedding and the party later tonight. There's going to be family, friends, ex-lovers, Italian food, Halloween surprises, candy and a piano player who will play music from Nightmare and Corpse Bride. I asked for some Pan's Labyrinth too. Oh, and Billy Idol's White wedding on piano should be fun.

spiced cake and pumpkin guts

Dinner and a movie:

the wine will be like blood tonight.
For dinner: pasta and a homemade spicy Sicilian sauce, vegetarian meatballs.
she'd tell you I'm a decent cook, with my best being food on the grill. I can do pastas too, and not just because of an Italian last name. or maybe.

and I've tasted some of the best wines in the valley. I've kissed lips, touched skin, shared laughs with the finest of women. that's not bragging it's just to show you how very lucky I am. brown eyes, green eyes, blue.
I want you to know this because i know this. she went and shared parts of herself with me and i probably can't forget it, i probably will never escape it. You become one of the ghosts i talk too, that i write about, and I'm going to miss you as much as you do me.

Ive watched blood flowing from her vein as if some kind of test.
i am constantly passing and failing her. my
resistance so often being futile. i pull my car over to the side of a highway and think about you on top of me. there is a pumpkin patch just over the hill. there are no tears , only leaves, bright orange and falling. October. month of my birth. month of witches.

she is better cooking breakfast than dinner. That's why i asked her to stay the night so often.
she sleeps to my right, soundly with soft shallow breaths. she'll let you touch her in the night. your chest to her back. her shoulders get cold. she likes the blankets pulled up. but, who doesn't and isn't this exactly you too?

it's not all magic. the movies, music, books and our little inside jokes. not even the scents or saying "baby" or adding "bear" to the end of your name. it's not so you remember me. time is both beautiful and cruel that way. you won't. I know that too.

this isn't a trick
this is what people do to win your heart. to steal your soul. to keep you. ruin you.
letters in the middle of October become secrets and wishes and candy. Tell me. What is sweeter than that?

I see myself as a shiny and unique snow flake

i see myself as an airline pilot or court reporter, or run- away husband.
A disney world ride operator, ice-cream scooper, candy maker, nothing where I would have to smoke cigarettes, or shoot up drugs or wear a beater up tank-top outside my trailer in the summer sun.

you know it would be some kind of work where I look outside a large french window into puffy white clouds or grey stormy skies. maybe snow, maybe even winter. As long as it's good , as long as you're good to me. I'll be good to you. I think I'm going to keep my promises. I see myself, and I never thought I'd write so much about this one thing. but, you know there's always just this one thing.
I saw myself wearing a gun, but it's to late for that. the midnight western shows are over.
I saw myself making music, making porno love, making monster movies, making waves, crashing cars and getting scars with you.

I see myself riding in your car. Don't tell me it doesn't smell like ashtray and air freshener.
Don't tell me I can do anything I want to if i set my mind to it. That it's not to late. It's far to late. But there are other things i can do, just as important. I can start by telling the truth. No. not that the first time I went down on a girl, i vomited. that wasn't me, that was my friend and he told me he knew then, he was gay for sure.
That would do it! i said. so, is that why you always invited me over to go swimming in your pool?
No, the truth. Like I always thought when I ran out of things to say, I,d just go and make something up. But really, it's when I end up telling the truth.

I saw myself opening up letters and packages from young girls. stationary paper that smelled like bubble-gum and citrus. emails with offers of marriage with attached .jpg's further proof that
"I'm awesome, you're awesome, I know we would just get along "
or I saw myself decorating cakes,using magic-markers, making pizzas, police sniper, camera-guy, monk, dog-groomer, tire-changer, pumpkin carver, emt, x-ray tech, wine maker, travel agent, motel desk clerk, ..

All the promise was there in 3rd grade, where I, huffing elmer's glue and cutting and pasting bra ads from magazines to construction paper. An early band poster of sorts. bras and panties, nylons, and striped socks arranged like planets around the words WRETCHED HIVE. taken from Star Wars. the name of my imaginary band. A project that only warranted me a purple star (3 below a gold) from the narrow-minded, but busty, Mrs. todd.

photo credits:
riotstar

what was our love worth if it was something we could gamble on

" I live near the abyss. I hope to stay"

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The pact:

We've all made some crazy pacts in our lives. I made one with my friend when i was 12. we said that whenever we got a girl-friend or wife we would trade off having sex with each. The way things were looking, I guess we figured it would be hard enough to get even one girl. This would make it easy to at least get to screw two whole girls in single life time.

I run into him from time to time. He's married and all these years later, it's not like he's forgotten. He jokes that his wife is waiting for me. That he told her all about our childhood pact. And a pact is a pact and she says she understands. It's fine. In fact it's more than fine with her. But it's not really all that fine with me. It seemed like a swell idea at the time. now it's creepy. If it were dirty I'd do it. I can't find the dirty in it. It seems more wrong breaking the pact. It should never be that easy.

I made another one. It was with a girl. when our thing was about to end. you know when you can just feel it?. not enough trust, not enough self-esteem, not enough...whatever. it's to hard because it's to good and maybe you shouldn't be there. you don't deserve it. and you can't because it's not supposed to work like that. happy and scared. it's supposed to be just happy. right? safe. Scared? So there you are constantly waiting. waiting for the fall.

And so It was one of our last nights. the kind when you are just attempting to find some kind of closure. trying to figure out things while you still talk, still fuck. there is all this lying going on but you somehow believe you can cut through all that with a dick inside. Like it can really get in there. like you could ever really figure out what each other is thinking.

It was intense because we both knew it probably was the last time. when you fuck like its going be the last time. It's so good. The sweat and tears and you do it to make it yours. you look in her eyes and you make it. make it hurt. at least that's what i do. To make it mine, we made a pact. That no matter who we were with, how many years go by, any time, any place, move away, married, whatever the fuck. whoever the fuck. that when I find her, or she finds me. that when I call or write or text. I say that i want it. want her. want what is mine. she can't refuse. no matter what. she will meet me. we will meet. when i want it . when she needs it. again.

-

photos by:
photoshoppedflaws
firstkissfeelings