Wednesday, December 24, 2008
won't be a punch in the gut.
maybe a loose choke out.
nothing to bruise you
like youre used to, like you like
it's okay if you do,
and why don't you
i see the marks
i left on you
have all but
I'm having trouble thinking up a shiny brief statement- let's see, I promise to do better and be better and let it all go?
highly unlikely. i just keep running , sweating, writing, bleeding, strumming, drumming, coming, going. eating cake. Will it ever be enough to fill your belly, like i did before?
and will there ever be a bigger question as to why?
was there ever any question? if there was, i hope you know
Friday, December 19, 2008
i was talking. she was smiling
always taking notes
and i was liking
how she liked me
even choking on
what do you do now?
now, that i can't teach you anything
and i can't tell if you're
still out there
but i know that you still dream
see all my love
two feet beneath
and these lies
like the sun
melting all the
i can't teach you anything
and even if i did-
you wouldn't listen anyway
pretend to listen
i never got the fighting
or all the silly games
and some of those
fucked up everything
im sorry that it's over
baby, im sorry that you stayed
you with your faces and me with my sins
but was it me-
didn't i give you
didn't i teach you
Friday, December 12, 2008
last Fridays full moon. the fullest of the year. swollen with the kind of luck i could feel
sink into my skin. no clouds and 10 miles east it would be hanging calmly over the Atlantic ocean. I wish i was there. sitting with you on the sand, keeping your hands warm pressed to my chest. crabs snapping along the shore. the moon glowing over what's left of this December. something we now share, or at least this vision of it. an illusion of what is and isn't. if it were snow or rain or ash or tears. fall out from a time when our hearts beat and I told you I could have loved you. just a little to late.
Still don't know what to get someone? Here are three books I wouldn't mind having. Any of the three would make a great holiday gift.
Strange brains and Genius: The secret lives of eccentric scientists and madmen
2.Show Me How: 500 things you should know instructions for life from the everyday to the exotic
Luck since the full moon:
-scored a kathie olivas dunny. It's the one i wanted in the series. (it has a fuzzy body)
-found an old post card in a book, it's from 1986. Garfield on the front. (it's a love note) I enjoy finding those.
- They still had Koibito figures available from artist Yoskay Yamamoto's art show and was able to place order for mine.
- Dallas Cowboys win and keep playoff hopes alive
Monday, December 8, 2008
there have been delays due to snow. the static i hear in my head not the white cold dust that falls from the sky. I once saw her catch one on her tongue. a snow flake as unique and special as you. she closed her eyes as it melted in the warmth of her mouth. snow mixed with ash from population growth and nearby drug factories. I asked if she thought it might help with her chronic cough. she reached for my hand.
only this. she said pulling my hand towards her heart.
I felt it beating against her chest.
we have a pulse!! i screamed with joy.
she's alive...she's alive. I began to sing frosty the
please don't. please don't she said your making me laugh and youre out of tune.
Happy Birthday!!! she said. More laughing....i get the joke.
we played in snow to celebrate her arrival to this world. my snow-girl. a magic ribbon tied to her hair.
Now don't melt. don't melt. don't melt.....
we danced in the snow. not the static in my head kind but the kind that falls soft and pretty like in movies. It's the only kind I know and that's no lie. I've never seen snow. I tell her.
she says she is surprised.
by what?, I ask.
that you didn't lie.
i said i never promised to tell you the truth, only that I'd never share our secrets and I never have and never will.
the snow never seen nor ever felt or ever will or maybe?, if you showed me.
would you show me?
would you show me if i told you i had more teach you. even if i don't, even if i couldn't. I'd say i do and could just to see you one time laughing in the snow.
purple rain, she says. you got that one time laughing line from purple rain.
when it's cold and it rains is that how snow is made? I asked. really. tell me.
do snow girls bleed or only melt?
she didn't say. she wouldn't say. she wouldn't show me. maybe she doesn't know.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I played my guitar out on the porch for awhile. strum and hum. I need a high and low voice to back me up. A me and a you. Ive written lyrics for this im working on but they are vague. It's more the feelings. when i woke up I decided on a melody but it sounded to much like something ive been listening to all week. That happens, you hear or read something and you can't help for it to sink into you. Then you have to release it somehow. It shows up your art. Im thankful for the inspiration.
I like the sounds from outside. the birds and motors low hum, the cars that pass. I think the entire neighborhood is cooking all at once. Everything smells so good. The air and the sky is amazing.
We don't share memories of having holidays together. Not my birthday or yours, not valentines, thanksgiving, christmas, not easter, not halloween. We have between all that. The in between. We are the love in between. We have become our own holiday.
I glance over at the night stand. I can make the shadow of my watch. Something familiar. Something me, something from home.
I'm in her bed under blankets. I am wrapped safely in her lies. She is drowning in mine.
we keep breathing. now and after. Time won't wait for us.
My watch keeps the time. Its touched you, it's spent the night in your room. When i last looked at it I was with you. I'll look again someday and be somewhere else. With someone else.
I wonder how it would look worn on your wrist. Heavy and big with glowing numbers illuminate the cool darkness. hands, to count our minutes and hours to count when we meant something and when we didn't. the fall. the falling apart. when you call me I will note the time. I will remember when you say goodbye. I will say...at two o clock tomorrow i will be over you.
I don't think you ever really move on from someone. you just make room in your heart for new people.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
these cold days
to remind me
of the winter that
with blankets covering
strawberry words for no
other reason but
to pull you
the air smells
and the sun touches me
high and bright
we wake to the new
and secrets silenced
by a story
yet to be written
there will be fall out. telling you, i love you.
from saying it and then not stopping even long after it’s done. and it will be done, if it isn’t already.
I haven’t said it often. I didn’t dole those words out like the purple dinosaur you grew up with.
it wasnt a song or a poem. it just was. simple and plain and tragically beautiful.
There is fall out for bleeding in front of you. that’s why I’m here and if that’s what it takes, if that’s all it takes. I will breathe and bleed and show you the scars. i will write it all down and if it sounds redundant. I’m sorry. but I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry because there is always war with love, always the bombs and explosions in the sky, and then there is the fall out. the isolation and silence that follows. the ghosts of words. the ghosts of our lies and the truth that remains long after we’re done.
Friday, November 14, 2008
The weight of winter:
Ive been invited for pancakes at my mothers on Sunday. fluffy, blueberry. All the women in my life make delicious pancakes. They bake with aprons tied and hair pulled back. I would say i prefer bacon and eggs but it lacks the charm and whimsy of gooey buttermilk batter and pretty green mixing bowls. It's just a greased up fry pan and spatula nothing poetic. something to have the morning after a night of dirty sex. pancakes are warm blankets, they are snuggling up in bed together like a Kurt Halsey drawing.
I grew up, my mother stayed at home. cooking, cleaning, caring. Always there. I thought that was everyone until about 5Th grade. Of my friends parents that were actually still together, both of them usually worked. I might be slightly needy of attention because of it.
the girlfriends Ive had. I'd never see fathers around. Step-dads at most.
This is Dan she'd say. I'd shake the guys beefy hand and automatically assume he was a creepy sex pervert after my girl-friend. I'd check her room for holes in the walls and cameras hidden in the ceiling.
I couldn't find anything here. but I'll be right back, I'll check the bathroom for you.
I'm the only daddy you'll ever need to know. I'd say.
I'd get a laugh, but some night we'll be having sex and can you guess what she'd call me?
It must be the glasses and stories and the fact i won't let her have any fun. She plays the part of spoiled brat so well, I know she isn't faking. neither am i.
but i like her when she wears her apron baking. she told me it once belonged to her grandmother and it doesn't turn me off any less. she's sweet with the little blue spoon in her hand wearing next to nothing. The apron, the socks, the undies. I'm not saying it's where she should be, but i won't say i don't think it's the hottest thing next to Georgia asphalt and maybe her in my Cowboys #9 Jersey.
It's always these little things. things like blue berry pancakes , aprons - the smell of girl. It kills me to remember that she has a weakness for Patsy Cline and old country music. and her hair clips. I'd pick one up off her night-stand sniff it, press it to my heart. they smell like metal.
Photo credits:Cheap Thursday's'
Art credits: the black apple (etsy)
It’s such a shame about us.
i do more work. distraction. I shuffle papers, write up invoices. i like this pen. it writes smooth and i like my spidery handwriting. i need an envelope. money is good. invoice + mail it = money. that’s a good thing right? Don’t let anyone tell you there isn’t money out there. It’s limitless, like everything else. The truth is everything i need I already have. It’s already in front of me. In front of you. I have everything i need. just your love…your love..where is that?
I wonder if it’s to early to log into my tumblr. Is it to early to see girls sucking big fat cock all over my screen? I can take it. My blood is flowing. im no prude. i don’t want to become numb to it. Sometimes it isn’t art, it’s just a woman with her legs spread and a dick in her mouth and it can become redundant. Is it to early? or is it just what i need.
There is a common thread but we all don’t see beauty the same way. I like a breaking heart and there are plenty of those too. I decide to log on. As i suspected the first 5 photos posted by who i “follow” are women with no clothes. white, asian, tied, kneeling down, ass up. It’s before 10 a.m. who doesnt like a morning boner. The next few posts are broken hearted and love quotes. There is no difference between the two. You are either searching, or finding, or in, or out, or missing… love. The common thread.
I like photos of food, another common. our tastes in food differ as much as our taste in art, women, porn, music. Something to bond over, something to relate to. something to cook for you, bake for you. the women who have been in my life can all make great pancakes. usually, blueberry. I wonder does she make them for him now. will this post be enough to satisfy me for awhile. I hope so. A distraction. I’m essentially getting paid to do this. Many of us are. Right now. Paid to write and post and be beautiful. art. I have no complaints. Everything i need. I already have. and once, I even had you.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
It's been a year this week since you've gone. When i say i miss someone, I mean you. People won't ever understand me. The true silence we had between us. It's all dog talk and the most logical of thinking. Eat,sleep, watch t.v., football on Sunday. No stress. no worries. You the lucky dog and me just
lucky to have had you.
We shared the secrets and all those girls in our bed. you just sleep. you just sleep, and play and swim and eat. (we both like eating)
know that I think of you every day. that you changed me.
I pet you for the last time in that room. I felt your soft fur under my hand and took off your collar, breaking my heart. you didn't seem scared. So i wasn't. I told you i would always take care of you until the end. For the first time in my life i saw something through. I learned so much about myself because of you. I trust wearing my heart on my sleeve no matter how much it might end up hurting, no matter who's watching, listening, reading.
I wasn't losing you. I didn't lose you that day, yesterday, today. I will always miss you, always love you, you'll always be my dog and best friend. In my heart....Still, silently knowing.
Friday, November 7, 2008
it was just a note
it was just a call
what if we wouldn't have met
what if i didn't show up
what if i didn't come over
what if you wouldn't have tempted
it was just a kiss
just a promise
it was just this art and that
and your make
everything so awesome
it was pretty
and it wasn't so
lies aren't pretty
tell them to
tell me you
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I arrived home just in time to vote for change. It's going to take time though. it takes time to sink in before you really feel it. I'm totally feeling it with you. do you feel it with me?
The wedding witch:
The witch figure pictured above is the only non-money gift received. The money, it's already going to good use. In fact at this very moment an over- haul of home improvements have begun at my home. (Glow Manor), I have a generous family and good friends to thank for that. I am grateful.
The witch.....I like it very much. It's from a neighbor (back when i used to live at home) My mother showed her my save the date announcement card and it inspired her to gift us with Halloween art.
Wow, what a home run. I'm certain she had no idea that i display several of my better halloween pieces year round. The witch is going to make a great addition. (striped socks!).
Like a kid on Halloween:
She wore mouse ears with attached veil and so everyone knew. I found out if you re just married and spend your day at Disney World, at the end of the night the fireworks display is for you. Did you know that? all for you.
Everyone is also telling you Congratulations. The cast members are supposed to, but I mean everyone. I didn't think Disney could get any more sugary sweet and happy. (it can)
I was first in line for everything, no waiting, I was prepared to wait - i always wait. This time no wait. I didn't get to spend the night at Cinderellas castle but a cast member happily handed me fast passes about 5 minutes after i walked into the park.
(cast member skipping over and seeing mouse ear veil) "How long have you two been married?"
" On Halloween, not even 24 hours, it's also my first time here "
"Well, congratulations, how would you guys like some fast passes on Mickey?"
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
learned to wait
and not get
i feel i
for all of us.
to be better
there is no next time
but i like to tell myself
there will be
it helps fill the pages
in my notebook
the sticker says
and i vote
my luck has
been cold at times
but running hot
as of late
Ive said to
i wish i
and i miss
(things like that, i wish she wouldn't know)
i forgave you
you deserved it
and i deserve it even less
are we kidding?
we share things that no longer
and yet it all matters.
our special days
just silly games
baby, id say save
for the other one
I know if i say baby again
it will wear itself out
and become meaningless
like how my loving you
looks so pretty on
isn't fairy tales
but should be
it's where everything
even if it means breaking
it's where i live with you
and force you to listen to
my sad song
we are just
Friday, October 31, 2008
I've always wanted a Hallowedding. i picked up the cake, that was my job. It has the blood splatters placed like i wanted. I had to get the placement right even if it's supposed to look random. Okay, i told them to fix a few things on it , but the decorator lady wasn't mad. Now It's elegant yet spooky. Cake is important. It's wishes and luck.
I told my girl to pick out where she wanted to go after and she said Disney World, like she just won the Super Bowl. " I'm going to Disney World"
Why? i asked.
Never been. she said.
I was trying to sell her on a North Carolina Cabin i had heard about. Mountains and cold.
But how can someone have NEVER been to Disney?
It's okay because I just bought a vintage 70's mickey shirt( see tumblr) the other day and it's soft as butter and awesome. Least I'll have something to wear. I have to get ready soon. I was a few hours late to my last wedding. This time I think she's the one who might not show. That would be funny. She's not a virgin.
A quickie wedding and the party later tonight. There's going to be family, friends, ex-lovers, Italian food, Halloween surprises, candy and a piano player who will play music from Nightmare and Corpse Bride. I asked for some Pan's Labyrinth too. Oh, and Billy Idol's White wedding on piano should be fun.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
It's beautiful cool and blue and dusk and then night - today is to amazing to waste. I wanted to do something before everything starts. I'm married on Friday. Halloween and oh, by the way she believes in me just how i am, just how I'm going to be. how i write it and all the in between. just how- everything.
So, I do and she does and then when I may, I'm going to kiss her hard on the mouth because that's how i do it. when i say my wife, it could have never been anyone but her. the others ran from me, didn't understand me, never trusted me, actually believed id throw the blanket away that kept us warm. didn't i tell you i wouldn't throw anything i love away- ? it wasn't a test. I just wanted to know. I want to know the girl who lays beside me, the girl i live and die for, who has my name, who wears my ring, is as much a junkie for me as I am for her.
The room key- it's like a credit card only it has a Domino's pizza ad on it. I didn't come here and mean for it to remind me of her. I'm in a different time and place and yet things are similar. Maybe i don't know where i am or if this is me or why i bothered to come here at all.
I know why. I saw this motel while driving to work and thought it would be fun to get a room. I could open the windows and let the cool air inside, play music and jump on the bed alone. totally alone and never really alone.
we were in a room like this, the bed faces the same wall. It's noisy outside and there are cheap lamps on cheap night stands, and a bed spread pattern right out of the 70's. I hate thinking that's all we ever were. a chemical romance. fighting and sleep overs. but something like that spark - something about the fit - you can't blame me for wanting more. In my head it's always so much more. I've told myself more lies than anyone ever could.
I won't lie to you now, I've been here before. I come here to write sometimes. There is a court-yard and a pool. It's built next to the train-station. A Denny's out front, drug deals in the back.
There was a girl i used to meet here and she would lug her record player and speakers up a flight of stairs to the room. She brought The Smiths and some others. I hadn't heard vinyl since high school. she rode me to side-one of Louder Than Bombs. It's weird that she felt best on top. On top girl- that's how I remember her.
I just thought of something, how do you not write about sex when you're in a motel room?
I left the room and walked to the train station. I'm by the tracks waiting for trains. i love the sound of bells and whistles and the thunder shaking steel. people coming and going - leaving.
I'd say I'm leaving this all behind me, but I'm not.
my ink changed me and she changed me but not the ring. I'll still have my addictions and she'll still understand. the silence may be less deafening.
a train pulls in on the other side of the tracks. when it stops it hisses and people get off and some get on and some leave and never come back. I used to pick her up and take her back, she used to come and go and then one day she never came back. like you, she will never come back.
i hate waiting for anything alone. so I don't. there are some things i can't do: i could never sleep alone again. I could never not miss her, not her, but the feeling of that something out of reach. that unbalanced knowing she is somewhere out there. knowing I'll never feel the heat of her skin pressed to mine again. yet the existing possibility of such, however unreal is so fucking inspiring and keeps me word filled and teary eyed with emotion. now maybe you understand? there are no real stone walls keeping us away, just the slightest change of heart. How it feels loving her and hurting after. knowing all along i am for someone else.
a brisk wind cuts across the tracks into my face. The cold air makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. (another ghost?) I have my hoody on over the shirt i wore when i first met her. my hand is starting to hurt from writing this. A few people are waiting on benches. I'm on the wrong side. I just figured out the train doesn't run on this side today. I could do what i always do and wait for something that will never arrive. Today is to amazing to waste. I do something, the something i came to do, I get up close my notebook and leave.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Once, when i believed in tarot, a lady laid my cards out on a dark wood table. I touched each one with my finger-tip. She told me she saw death by a jealous husband. I asked, "mine or his?"
I sent a text message to random numbers in my phone today. A mass texting. did you think it was to the wrong person? what it said, did it make sense? It's not supposed to. She used to send me messages like that. They didn't make any sense so i assumed weren't sent for me, but i knew they were. you know what i mean when i say - There are no accidents.
I'd send back a frantic WRONG PERSON, press enter - wait
wait. wait. for the lie. wait. wait. for anything. wait. wait.
then id look at my display screen again and wonder what the fuck "good i need it" meant.
No reply. No reply.
she wouldn't say. silly games. that's what she taught me. she's going to put you in your place the same way.
now i find myself doing it sometimes just to see. It's like my word tourettes. I can't help it, I have to. I have to say that i miss you. I have to tell you over and over that everything is fine. I have to separate truth from fiction and can you guess which this is?
You look better in my t-shirts than you do in his. (truth)
It doesn't mean i don't love you, the whole text thing. Now you know if it flashed and buzzed and you read it and it didn't make sense. I sent you something i sent to everyone. you re not so special. Then again, neither am I.
- I shouldn't, but i do -
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I slept over almost every Friday and it was inevitable she would get up to pee or go flip over the mix-tape an bang her toe on the night-stand. Every Time.
I loved her little voice, her big profanities in the darkness.
fuck- fuck- fuckity face fuck. Christian stop laughing i know you're fuckin laughing it's not fucking funny.
Pressing a pillow to my face i'd say-
nu nu I swar im nut..mrph..mprh.
Her dirty mouth.
We were to young she said but, i would have married her that night. I asked. She told me I was silly and sweet and I wasn't the girl you marry. I'm the girl to put you in your place
I would have driven you anywhere. I would have taken my car and crashed us into a guard rail or into the deepest lake. I would sank to the bottom for her. I did. I wanted her to feel me. my words caressing her rusty mind. my body pressing against her body. alive or lifeless. Feel something, even if it be our dying moment.
I kissed her scars and mouth like it was our last kiss. she played along so sweet. she let me touch everything deep. it was only when i reached for her heart that she would flinch. grabbing my hand and whispering. NOT there.
She let me as hard and as long and as violently as I wanted, as I needed. I needed it. the feeling of something too. i loved her like it was my last love and maybe it was..... she ruined me for everyone else. Everyone has someone like that.