Saturday, July 26, 2008

I see myself as a shiny and unique snow flake

i see myself as an airline pilot or court reporter, or run- away husband.
A disney world ride operator, ice-cream scooper, candy maker, nothing where I would have to smoke cigarettes, or shoot up drugs or wear a beater up tank-top outside my trailer in the summer sun.

you know it would be some kind of work where I look outside a large french window into puffy white clouds or grey stormy skies. maybe snow, maybe even winter. As long as it's good , as long as you're good to me. I'll be good to you. I think I'm going to keep my promises. I see myself, and I never thought I'd write so much about this one thing. but, you know there's always just this one thing.
I saw myself wearing a gun, but it's to late for that. the midnight western shows are over.
I saw myself making music, making porno love, making monster movies, making waves, crashing cars and getting scars with you.

I see myself riding in your car. Don't tell me it doesn't smell like ashtray and air freshener.
Don't tell me I can do anything I want to if i set my mind to it. That it's not to late. It's far to late. But there are other things i can do, just as important. I can start by telling the truth. No. not that the first time I went down on a girl, i vomited. that wasn't me, that was my friend and he told me he knew then, he was gay for sure.
That would do it! i said. so, is that why you always invited me over to go swimming in your pool?
No, the truth. Like I always thought when I ran out of things to say, I,d just go and make something up. But really, it's when I end up telling the truth.

I saw myself opening up letters and packages from young girls. stationary paper that smelled like bubble-gum and citrus. emails with offers of marriage with attached .jpg's further proof that
"I'm awesome, you're awesome, I know we would just get along "
or I saw myself decorating cakes,using magic-markers, making pizzas, police sniper, camera-guy, monk, dog-groomer, tire-changer, pumpkin carver, emt, x-ray tech, wine maker, travel agent, motel desk clerk, ..

All the promise was there in 3rd grade, where I, huffing elmer's glue and cutting and pasting bra ads from magazines to construction paper. An early band poster of sorts. bras and panties, nylons, and striped socks arranged like planets around the words WRETCHED HIVE. taken from Star Wars. the name of my imaginary band. A project that only warranted me a purple star (3 below a gold) from the narrow-minded, but busty, Mrs. todd.

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