Thursday, March 27, 2008

I know she's drowning in boys and a lot of hipster noise

Lately, I've been visiting the local library system on-line. While I track down books to hoard and the few I will actually read, I also put dvd's on hold. These are the titles that I wouldn't waste netflix queue space on. Movies that are most likely running on the cable channels ( I don't subscribe to any). HBO, Showtime and the others. Nothing wrong with them but I've found they are only worth it for the original series programing. (which I wait for on DVD) The movie movies are crap. Aren't they? Films I've already seen in the theater or don't care to see anyway. But since T.V. hasn't come back into full swing I've been getting a couple every week.
For instance: De jevu, Shooter, The Painted Veil, Rescue Dawn, 3:10 to Yuma, The Guardian,
some of them aren't all that bad. Esp one.....called Travellers and Magicians This is a Very good ZEN film. Written and Directed by a Buddhist monk. SEE THIS. It's peaceful and beautifully shot. I can't recommend this one enough.

Back to speaking of T.V. I don't even watch LIVE television anymore. I DVR every show I end up watching. (no commercials that way) You get so used to that and start going crazy watching a show in real time and having to sit through the commercials. They make me edgy and nervous now. Who can watch for the full 3o minutes or hour?. I am not willing to do that for most shows, save for maybe THE OFFICE. (Back April 10Th) Come back to me already. I miss Pam.

I finished reading INTO THE WILD. If you've only seen the movie, I suggest you READ the book. Small but much more informative. It didn't change my mind on how the movie made me feel though. McCandless comes across just as selfish and foolish in the book. I will say for the most part he did stick with his beliefs. Although he did end up getting jobs when he needed money, and did really hurt people who became close to him ( in the book he totally destroys the old man who he befriends him). I just have the same feeling after reading the book as I did after watching the movie. I just wanted to be sure. If there is research or more sources about something I have feelings over I MUST seek it out. Overall, I guess the message of taking in your surroundings and the beauty in nature is relevant over most of our consumerism and capitalist ways. I am on the other side of the spectrum. I seriously believe I can somehow manage being both a consumer whore and still truly appreciate the nature and natural order of things. Taking in the offerings of the universe while amidst the chaos of everyday hustle and bustle. To be still inside the storm. To stay in the Center. My own adventures are only small vacations, and going to local parks. My adventures have been Internet adventures, relatively safe. I admire Him for getting out in the world. Doing what he thought was the best path to achieve oneness. It's true you don't get the same view from a hotel room than from say...a tent. But don't forget most of the authors that inspired Mcandless' views and beliefs , setting him on his path, were NOT living it. They were fictional books and if you did research like on author Jack London(considered his favorite) "I write for no other purpose than to add to the beauty that now belongs to me. I write a book for no other reason than to add three or four hundred acres to my magnificent estate." you find London only spent one winter up north his entire life, lightly plagiarized most of his famous writings, and may or may not have committed suicide. Now, check out this transition from the mention of suicide: I watched Wristcutters: A love story. I've had it in my Queue for over a year. Based on the fact I looked up Shannyn Sossamon an actress I fancy. I saw she was in it and I added it to my list. Now Shannyn isn't the greatest actress of our time or anything , but I do find her look and style smashing on screen. She is like the American version of Faye Wong ttp:// ( ChungKing Express, 2046). So last year I read the graphic novel Pizzeria Kamikaze based on a Etgar Keret short story (Kneller's Happy Campers) Read it!!!. Then found out this was the movie based on both. Cool. It's a black comedy about an afterlife world where people who have committed suicide live. Interesting concept, It's also about heart-break and a love story too. Tom Waits is in it. What more do you need!. It's as entertaining as the stories. Not as quotable, or as narrative, as the story though. It's worth a viewing but take your time, I wouldn't kill myself over it. Haha. Yeah.

Her:If we fuck I'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow. Him: that's okay with me. --from Hotel Chevalier.

Also watched Darjeeling Limited, of course if you are a Wes Anderson fan, like me , you've seen it already and if not. DO so. Or don't. Okay Sweet lime?

"I promise, I will never be your friend, no matter what, ever"

Monday, March 24, 2008

You make my teeth hurt

You made crusty bread rolls...

You made crusty bread rolls filled with chunks of brie
And minced garlic and drizzled with olive oil
And baked them until the brie was bubbly
And we ate them thoughtfully, our legs coiled
Together under the table. And then salmon with dill
And lemon and whole-wheat couscous
Baked with garlic and fresh ginger, and a hill
Of green beans and carrots roasted with honey and tofu.
it was beautiful, the candles and linens and silver,
The winter sun setting on our snowy street,
Me with my hand on your leg, you, my lover,
In your jeans and green T-shirt and beautiful feet.
How simple life is. We buy a fish. We are fed.
We sit close to each other, we talk and then we go to bed

by Gary Johnson

Charm City: My Boo-berry Night
Part 7

Rachael Ray -
I know you are busy and find it difficult due to your schedule to answer my emails (200 and counting.) First off, I know everyone says this but REALLY, I am a normal guy who has admired you since your first appearance on Food Network. I predicted you'd be a mega super-star and I think you have accomplished that and so much more.

Side note: You love dogs and I love dogs. I also enjoyed the Japanese style blouse you were wearing the other night on 30 minute meals. It had the cherry blossoms on it. I have cherry-blossoms artwork incorporated in my tattoo sleeve piece. I could send you pictures if you like or you can check out my MYSPACE page. (FussnfightnCakn). There is also what could be considered a small "shrine" to you on there, don't be scared. I have them set-up throughout the net for all my girl-friends, and ex's. NOT that you are either, but I start them for others I admire as well. Including ... Bukowski, Rollins, Boy George, Evel Knievel, the guy who wrote Calvin & Hobbes, some soccer and football players, Bobby Flay..haha. (just kidding). ummm Anthony Bourdain. (Even though I know he called you EVIL in a recent interview. I quote: “She's got a magazine, a TV empire, all these best-selling books — I'm guessing she's not hurting for money,”"She's hugely influential, particularly with children. And she's endorsing Dunkin’ Donuts. It's like endorsing crack for kids.”'I do not agree with him on this front. I mean he would pimp himself out for ACTUAL Crack if someone paid him enough. (not to mention try it first) Who is he kidding? Ha.

Anyway, You get the idea, I am inspired by many. No one as cute as you, I must say. I am just smitten every time you smile or say "EVOO", "Sammy", "kids in the bath", "How good is that?", "Yummo" or mention your dog "Isaboo". Rach, I know how much you miss your original BOO dog and I am sorry. I recently lost my best-friend as well. Dallas, he was a Labrador Retriever and I think about him every single day. I was so happy to hear you adopted "Isaboo" and how much she reminds you of Boo. Also interesting Isabella is my favorite name for a baby-girl too!!. That you named your dog Isaboo because of that, is unbelievable. I know you won't believe this but since I don't have children and didn't foresee any in the near future I thought of Isaboo as a name for a doggie too. Is that ridiculous or what?
I saw you on the covers of not less than 4 magazines while waiting in line at Whole Foods. You were also on a Trisket crackers box, and I passed a Dunkin Donuts on the way home which displayed your latest ad and catch phrase. I recently caught another anti-Rach article where a source quoted you as saying on set " Get me real coffee, not that Dunkin Doughnut stuff, it's shit" and then you demanded Starbucks? You sent your intern out for Starbucks? Ha. I find that funny even if it's true. A few Diva antics don't bother me at all Rachael.(We all need our coffee) I mean Starbucks does have much more of a selection, better music and cooler logo. So what, you can afford the extra 3 or 4 bucks per. That's why you have the 5 shows, commercials, book-tours and give up enormous amounts of your time. Sacrifice. Dedication. You deserve whatever coffee you want. They pay you to do the commercial not drink or eat the stuff 24-7. What don't people understand about that?? People are so quick to judge others integrity. Pure and simple jealousy. Show Business. I guess people don't understand the second part.
I don't believe the tabloids either. Your husband would be crazy to cheat on you. By the way, I am also Sicilian\Italian. I write short-stories, blogs, music, own a business, and love any product that will pay me to endorse it. We have so much in common!!!. I know you are cooler than your TV persona I heard the bands you listen to and books you read and you are really an indie low-brow girl at heart. Hey, money, mansions, diamond rings can change a girl. But not at heart. Not in the center. Stay in the center Rachael.
Your friend,

This is a repost from my livejournal Fightcake Some posts are friends only. So become one. It's a journal about a blog thats about a book, related to food, cupcakes, cakes, and candy. In other words- Yummy shit. You'll figure it out. You're smart.

Friday, March 21, 2008

A beautiful disguise

"Fuck," Renana said, licking her stubby fingers, "We don't fuck. Not that it's a big deal or anything. It's just that, when you're 'a fuck on the side' and the whole sex thing stops, then you're nothing but 'on the side', know what I mean? I'm not saying it's a deal breaker or anything, it's just, you know, a little weird. Because with your wife, even if you don't fuck, you can still visit her parents or fight about who loads the dishwasher, all the normal couple things. But when it happens with a lover, it sort of pulls the rug out." - Etgar Keret

Why the eggs and bunnies ? I couldn't figure that out back in Catholic School and the Nun's never quite answered our questions. What do 5th graders need to know anyway?
Good Friday. How could I forget. At 7:30 a.m sharp. Head to rectory, knock on door 3 taps. I was told to put on my robe. Altar-boy, boy-wonder. It was said we shouldn't eat meat on Good Friday, not told why, and we'd also get to leave school early.
The church smelled like incense and old books, like god and holy water. Like wax and candy.
I always wondered what it would feel like to drip candle wax on a girl. I wondered this because there were always so many candles lit in the church. Even early in the morning. Who had to light all these candles? was it a person, was it god, or saints? Was it the Easter bunny. I wondered about the wax because I had tried it on my arm and it wasn't so bad. I liked the red color that was first liquid and like blood and then cooling hard and dry.
After church, after the party and refreshments, after school. I waited for my ride(Mom) with this red-headed girl named Jennie. Her Mom was always late picking her up too. I liked her because she carried a little radio in her back-pack. Her pack was a fuzzy panda-bear. She offered me gum and turned on the radio. Disco. I pretended to like it.
Then that new song from Sugar Hill Gang came on "Rapper's Delight" - I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you don't stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat....

There were no more buses left, and just a few cars in the parking-lot. Jennie bopped her head side to side. Hippie the hoppin. I had the words mostly memorized already. I turned the radio up and she moved and tried to rap and it was funny. Her Easter basket was filled with candy, glittery green straw, and plastic colored eggs. We ate jelly-beans from my basket to pass the time. She sat down under a tree and I could see up her skirt. Pink. Light pink panties with a bright trim. She spread her legs apart more and I sat in front of her Indian-style. Easter-basket over my lap because it had to be. The sun was shaded by tree branches. I was glad our Mom's were late. Abba was playing now. The reception faded in and out every time a bird or plane flew overhead. Something about a Dancing queen only 17. I wondered about us at 17, we could drive cars and go to concerts, stay up late and have sex. All night, all night. Anytime we wanted. We could get married and make babies. We could go to church on Sunday's . Communion, wafers, tube socks. Name our kids Isabella, Poppy or Gumdrop. Or that could be our dog.

"Do you like dogs." I ask her
"I like dogs and bunnies and panda-bears."
I'd ask her to marry me now if only ........ If Only.
" I see your Mom's car at the corner" she said squinting her eyes. I stood up with my basket still in front of my lap. " Have a good Easter break" I mumble.
I like the way she talks to me drawing out her words like sweet southern tea.
" Hey, but, I'll see you in church, -just two days Christian, your wonder boy're cute up there in your....
I dropped the basket and grabbed her behind the neck and pulled her close and kissed her with my eyes closed tight. Maybe it's something i saw on T.V. maybe it's just what I wanted. your- robe." She finished slowly. She took a breath. I took a breath. Watermelon and jellybean taste on my mouth. I picked up my basket leaving the 4 brightly colored eggs that had fell out on to the dirt and leaves. We stepped from behind the tree as my Mother pulled up and honked for me to get in the car. I walked away from and then into more radio static. Close the door. More disco. "Tragedy" Bee Gees. My mother saying "blah blah blah I can't believe the traffic, need to cook Easter dinner..blah blah how was school, who is that girl waving". I looked out the window where Jennie pointed to herself, formed a heart with her hands and then pointed to me. I came to the conclusion that the eggs and bunnies had something to do with fertility and the flowers that were soon to bloom. It was Good Friday.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Broken when I bought it

1. Making The Rules:
She is talking to me about mistakes and regrets.
And I don't think of them as one in the same. Everyone makes mistakes and regret is just the possible result of such mistake. Since mistakes are inevitable and unavoidable - Human. I ask her. "Doesn't that make regret just an illusion?" Isn't it more a feeling of guilt based on the making of a poor decision.
"But don't' you feel guilty or regret for anything ?" she asks. " "I don't"
Simply I chose to learn from mistakes with the knowing I will most likely make more. The real lesson is what have I learned? Just because mistakes are bound to be made, it doesn't make for an excuse to knowingly engage in something that is bad for you.

2. Giving Me A Try:
Are you the type of person to try anything once? Can you talk-yourself into believing in fate, that life is to short, that this could be your one and only chance. Do we have second chances?.
What if I miss the chance to touch her, to feel her, to know her, to love her.
She tells me there are no second chances.
I say " In another life then. That is where I will get to love you, to keep you." She half believes me, I can tell. She is the kind of person to try anything once.

3. I Like The Way You Are:
No one is innocent. Some people are kinder than others, but overall no one is much more special than anyone else. She tells me " You're not perfect and hardly as brilliant as you might think."
Once you realize this the burden of perfection is lifted. I asked her does she often dream of being with someone else other than me. "In bed?, of course and don't say you don't."
When she is feeling fragile she asks me if I think she is bad. If I think her thoughts are bad. That I don't understand how bad she is. This is really confession. A story for a story. Stories aren't bad. Thoughts aren't bad. I don't think in general anyone is really that bad. Forgivness. I can give her. I can make it okay again. I can open and close scars. "I can't put you back together, but when you are scared I can help you go to sleep"she tells me she liked it when her step-father used to touch her. She asked me if it was bad that she liked it. That nothing ever went to far, just he touched her, but she wished for more. In her room she would orgasm thinking about this. Sometimes she still did. It was dark and rainy out. She likes the lights off. I don't mind. Regret, mistakes, guilt. I tell her it doesn't fall into place there. It falls into place here.. and I point to her head, then trace my finger down to her breast, I run my hand over her nipple. It falls into place, here.. and I reach between her legs. "Is this how you felt? tell me, Is this how you feel?"
When she calls me Daddy, is that bad?

4. Dear xxxxx:
I am not perfect and not always nice. But I do learn, I do stumble, and I do, you know I do. I do fall. I move on, but I am not any less for having wanted to stay, not any less for the wanting something different. not now not ever. For the wait. For the every things we can not have. I am not asking. I am taking. I am stealing you, I have stolen you. I have written you alive and dead and here and there and for LIKE EVER.
I know that no-one is better than me and that is not ego. It is fact. Take all your new and improved versions of me. Those special snow-flakes. They melt like you- on my tongue. I won't burden you with you having to lie or impose vast expectations. Only that what you give me. What you give to me. Let it be fucking real. I will trust, until you show me different. until your actions say otherwise. Still even then, after goodbyes, after all or nothings and the little suicide attempts at closure. I will remember you fondly, knowing you are just like everyone else. Except. You are no longer in my world.

Monday, March 17, 2008

standing inside her doorway her green eyes reflecting sunlight

The movie I ended up watching over the weekend was INTO THE WILD (Spoilers alert) More than anything it just pissed me off. Sean Penn directed it. Yes, it was beautiful to look at, nice acting performances, and great sound-track by Eddie Vedder. Perfect fit for the film. But, If you really must know this story, read the book by John Krakauer. A spoiled 23 year-old who after college decides to give his life-savings to charity and hit the road. Free himself from the trappings of society. Good intentions but this is mostly spurred by his selfishness, Daddy issues, and parents who argued to much when he was kid? Wow. Big deal. He goes around quoting authors and books he clearly doesn't even understand. When he meets anyone who may show him any kind of friendship or love he leaves them. He hates money, yet ends up working odd jobs and at Burger King when he needs it. All to get to his final destination Alaska. Personally, I did not sympathize with the character on his self-indulgent fatal attempt to purge himself of his family baggage and discover himself. He was selfish, unprepared and died. That seems to happen to a lot of people on this planet.Everything is green today !!!.
I saw a white dog, who's owner had
dyed him green. A dog of a different color.
A collar with emerald colored plastic
Her eyes are,
the hoody I wear is,
It might be my second favorite color.
On you it looks good.
Green M&M's mean something,
That was the rumour going around school.
and then there was that time, after the long drive,
when she was waiting for me, standing inside her doorway,
green eyes reflecting the sunlight.
I think that was the day I knew................

Kelly was this girl. Irish. We went to catholic school together. years later I saw her in my public High School. She remembered me. I've always had a thing for girls with red-hair. I don't know what it is. I've dated quite a few. Married one. fiery attitudes and freckles mix. Looking good in green. I wonder if she still drinks beer. after beer, after beer. Flat tummy, swollen and make-sounds. " more beer, more beer" is what she would say.
That hair though, the fucking hair, flowing and so like fire through my fingers. I thought of carrots and ravens and strawberries. More like strawberries.

I asked Kelly out my Senior year but she said "no thanks" She thought I was strange and couldn't understand why I would even asked her in the first place. " We are so different"
"yeah, but I like red-heads" I thought that was answer enough. Cause enough. Just enough.
She wouldn't though. She ended up writing something sassy in my year book as I tried to pluck out some of her hair so that I could fold it between the pages. I guess I am pretty strange.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

and the good days are like presents .........

kids form in groups. cliques, scenes, and perversions. The school patio littered with scabs and scars and walking S.T.D's. smokers smoke and whores whore. his father drinks - her father touches her at night. and i can't complain to much. semi-charmed, semi-hard, semi-smart. what I do is watch. what i do is write. broken streams of thought. a rainbow that isn't quite formed. the pre-cum dripping from cock that gets her pregnant. spider webs.
hot dogs and tater tots is what is served at lunch today. All the white kids drink chocolate milk and all the black kids drink white. Has anyone else but me noticed this?
I am more whore than punk rock, more glam than indie, more geek than jock, more dick than kind, more kind than nice, more pretty than handsome, more or less I am not noticed.
To be a senior is to be that much closer to escape. this asylum, this prison. It's like home. It is home, we all want to leave, and we never want back in.
things will be different out there, things will be much better.
this is what we wish for. Be careful what you wish for.

if someone had a knife or a gun or the metal detectors malfunctioned. If that loner kids back-pack were to be filled with C4, if he could pass fucking chemistry. instead dumb mother- fucker talks like he is a black rap star - urban ghetto set in this upper middle class no-where near a real city town. He says "yo yo yo".. calling to his homey's. No-one turns around.
I'd welcome chaos and destruction. something anything.

the zombies, the sheep, flesh on bones, hormones, kids dying to fuck and fight and be free but having no clue how. pent up, penthouse, spread, spread disease, hate, rumours...eating, laughing, faking, lying, grabbing each others flat asses.
That girl over there knows of bands you've never heard of. to skinny with stars on her wrist, wasting away with her face in a magazine. She knows a drummer in a band. She's fucked a drummer and I've fucked her. So I have fucked a drummer. Big deal.
have you googled her, have you seen her myspace?, have you gone over to her house on Friday nights? I have. have you seen my t-shirt over there? can you return my books, can you return my name, can we take it all back. can i teach you to hurt again. be good again.
Oh wait, it wasn't her. I say "fuck it" forgetting to use my inside voice. The girl looks up. I am certain I just as easily could fall in love with her. I tip my pen toward her and she glares at me. Yes. I could.

look- this kid just walked by me and called me a bad-name, I stare back at him shooting ninja stars into every part of his body. i understand his mother must love him. he may go off to fight in a bloody war for our country. be a hero of sorts. he may just as easily stay at home lying on a couch collecting disability checks from a fraudulent compensation claim. All in all, he is no better or worse than me, I am no better or worse than him. but there is only *one* of me. Of this I am certain. I smile to myself at this little *matter of factual* - and what's more... I smell to fucking good today. mmmmmm. The thing is this: I love a little to hard, and am a bit to crazy for most people to fuck with. I'll let you read me a like book of fiction.

my pen runs out of ink. I had a thought. now it's slipped away. has that ever happen to you?. The part where you look around and wonder how you got to this point. this moment. you try to figure out was it better a few hours ago, a few days, months, years. I am pretty content. I'd rather be dead than content. they quite possibly could be one in the same = equal. equal reminds me of math, reminds me there is only a few more months left at school, reminds me of prom dates, and all these stupid fuckers like me, trying to fit in. I realize i don't hate anyone and i hate that. I'm still mean but I feel so sorry for everyone around here, I just wish them happiness. No I am a piece of shit, I wish myself luck and charm and grace. I rather don't care what happens to the rest of them. Except maybe her.
Another glare, another day in ruins. Loving everyone, writing it down so that i won't forget, but I will. I do. Whoever finds this, don't waste your time. throw it out before you get to this point. Oh fuck. To late. You loser.

Friday, March 14, 2008

If everything is possible, nothing is true

The rain is easy. The sun is easy.
Touching you - easy.
Every kiss
easier and easier
listening to me
in the dark
is it easy?

quitting you-
when you quit me
will you
tell me how
the ground gives
traction easy
even on these greasy roads
your slick oily rainbows
beneath my tires, under our shoes,
we are burning hot
in this
running - away
is easy

a dog barks at the
my speakers play
Mozart, or Chopin or
some other ghostly notes
and it is my whispers
breaking her silence
after midnight
now- sleep
if it comes
or don't
or break
or bleed
or ache
or close your eyes and bite your lip
say it
my name-

my blood flowing through these veins
my ink flowing over page
and the click-clack
inside my head
forget me
my heart pounding
nervously, longingly, beautifully,
so fucking

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Words fall through me and always fool me

has been blogged about 200 million times by now, maybe more. But I am late on it.
I'm sorry for that. Late on the film not the music. Glen Hansard...The Frames..etc. The movie is sweet and fits the common theme of many of my other favorites.(Lost in Translation, In the Mood for love, Eternal Sunshine,) figure it out.

3rd Period:
Shoe-gaze girl sits in the back of the room, two chairs across from me. She uses words like "celestial" and " falling sky". She turns in papers written with purple ink. Glitter seems to fall from her hair, from her finger-tips, and if the sun catches her through the small class-room window her skin is like snow. I can't tell if she is awake or asleep. Sometimes, I'd like to be inside her head.

Friday, March 7, 2008

If the party is over why am I still finding glitter in my keyboard?

With the moon emerged,
My mind is motionless.
Sitting on this frosty seat,
No further dream of fame.
The forest, the mountain
Follow their ancient ways,
And through the long spring day,
Not even a shadow of a bird.

A box full of
candy colored plastic letters
spill over
b, c, f, g, in
red, yellow, green,
letters and letters
maybe a hundred or two
chaotic order
I try to place them in
because that is how much I've


i form words
then sentences
and I know I brought this on myself
and I know
she is right
a song won't make
it better
and nothing
not words
not saying what I've already


sleep now

the story
is over

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

There's a failure in me, There's a flaw in you

Blueberry pie, diners, heartache... Norah Jones. Why do Wong Kar-wai movies seem to be made for me?
His first U.S. film. I was sad that his usual director of photography (Chris Doyle) wasn't involved in this one. I am a huge fan of his work. It's the look of WKW films that help draw you in and steal your breath away.(along with the music). But it looks just fine. I can't wait.

* * *
The Deal:

It isn't worth it.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Impossible, Because you are not nice.

"Most men would rather have you hear their story than grant their wish."

Where was I on that sinking ship?
Astern? Starboard? Oh fuck.
Now I'm talking like a sailor.

I read the other day that she recognized the true meaning of the Trojan horse but no one believed her when she said the horse contained soldiers of the enemy.
Forget it.

It's like when I hear the word "gaming" my brain goes to the same place it goes when people say "country and western music"
I mean I do know what Castlevania is, and that sort of scares me

When was the last time you had butterflies in your stomach? I had to ask myself is this going to be the last age inappropriate relationship you ever have? I had to tell myself, sure I would. If she promised to wear the socks, I would bring the Zima. Don't laugh, It is a bold, tasty treat with a spark of freshness. Face it, you love me. You always will.