If you put it in slow will it hurt?

she packs her little black bag
and comes over with a half pack of cigarettes and
full of regret
she doesn't smoke but they
remind her of him and the safety
net
waiting and

waiting around for her back
home
and it's all the reason why
she's here

catch me

I'm falling

it doesn't matter now

but maybe she'd get used to this
thing with me already
and it'd somehow be worth the lies
and dirty
she feels
having to lay
by my side

the kind of grime and hollowness she tells me, that doesn't wash off

even after a scalding hot rape-shower.

maybe she just needed more convincing
that i am everything
she never wanted
that she couldn't believe I breathed the same air
and lived under the same skies
as everyone else

because I was like

no one else
or
far worse

i was the same as everyone

and here I go even
before i get home to her.
I go home to her. the other one, she lives in the apartments less than a mile away from my house.
and I go there and she touches what she touched
we have sex
I don't let myself come if that's any consolation
I save it
for when I get home

then
I put it in her
with a shame full kind of violence
like i can somehow force my
dick and soul
into her all at
once
i know it wont keep her mine
but it keeps her
mine now

less than an hour from being
inside of someone else
I push myself off of her
I do it just like that
shoving at her sweaty skin , leaving her breathing hard. used. and she doesn't see it but I wink at the ceiling as if it's my pal.
as if I won something, like showing off to the heavens.

see,you haven't hurt me. You can't hurt me.

I am wrong of course. I'm wrong about everything.
you wouldn't know it
but I am in love with her
and I hate myself for it.

art by: MISS VAN