Friday, May 2, 2008

what was our love worth if it was something we could gamble on

" I live near the abyss. I hope to stay"
The pact:
We've all made some crazy pacts in our lives. I made one with my friend when i was 12. we said that whenever we got a girl-friend or wife we would trade off having sex with each. The way things were looking, I guess we figured it would be hard enough to get even one girl. This would make it easy to at least get to screw two whole girls in single life time.
I run into him from time to time. He's married and all these years later, it's not like he's forgotten. He jokes that his wife is waiting for me. That he told her all about our childhood pact. And a pact is a pact and she says she understands. It's fine. In fact it's more than fine with her. But it's not really all that fine with me. It seemed like a swell idea at the time. now it's creepy. If it were dirty I'd do it. I can't find the dirty in it. It seems more wrong breaking the pact. It should never be that easy.

I made another one. It was with a girl. when our thing was about to end. you know when you can just feel it?. not enough trust, not enough self-esteem, not enough...whatever. it's to hard because it's to good and maybe you shouldn't be there. you don't deserve it. and you can't because it's not supposed to work like that. happy and scared. it's supposed to be just happy. right? safe. Scared? So there you are constantly waiting. waiting for the fall.

And so It was one of our last nights. the kind when you are just attempting to find some kind of closure. trying to figure out things while you still talk, still fuck. there is all this lying going on but you somehow believe you can cut through all that with a dick inside. Like it can really get in there. like you could ever really figure out what each other is thinking.

It was intense because we both knew it probably was the last time. when you fuck like its going be the last time. It's so good. The sweat and tears and you do it to make it yours. you look in her eyes and you make it. make it hurt. at least that's what i do. To make it mine, we made a pact. That no matter who we were with, how many years go by, any time, any place, move away, married, whatever the fuck. whoever the fuck. that when I find her, or she finds me. that when I call or write or text. I say that i want it. want her. want what is mine. she can't refuse. no matter what. she will meet me. we will meet. when i want it . when she needs it. again.

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