Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I have seen you in various stages of madness

"I neither look forward, where there is doubt, nor backward where there is regret; I look inward and ask myself not if there is anything out in the world that I want and had better grab quickly before nightfall, but whether there is anything inside me that I have not yet unpacked. I want to be certain that before I fold my hands and step into my coffin what little I can do and say and be is completed."
-Quentin Crisp
Just visiting:
Tried to figure out the way to writing a perfect love story. I thought it would be much easier down on the paper or there flashing up on the screen. all lollipops and rainbows. Alive. romantic. at least if you say it. It might make it so. I keep starting and stopping and then end up putting it away. I keep thinking it's because the attraction is always more about sex than anything else. At least in the beginning. But that's not always true. maybe just with me. maybe it's more like chasing dragonflies. where have they all gone? I haven't seen many lately. I haven't seen many bees either. honey but no bees. I have these arms for her to fall into. To hold her after. and I have these words.....and that's why I'm all screwed up.

the friends first thing and enemy later. maybe not so much enemy as regrettable and not so much regret as disappointment and not so much......Hoping to be more later than sooner. love. The dome around me. hoping you' ll come visit. love. not love. just saying it. to say it. say it. hoping the hooks sink deep and the storm flurries are like someones worst winter.

the SAY ANYTHING part. A pen so I can write about you and then someday you won't even miss that. Was there a failure just because i couldn't keep you? I don't think so. i never read her journal but I already missed her writing about me.

all the normal exaggerations of the remember and the way i had hoped things to be. The way I saw things but not in the same way as you. my passions and obsessions. meditate on this. pray on this. Our sun is the same and perhaps our god. The way if I still talked to her even when she was gone. the oh so crazy about you, with you, in you.

who does that? who waits. who cares.

some people when you leave them, they are still on your skin. you wash them off and try to cover them up. But it's like a scar. a good scar , a bad scar. There isn't much difference. i still believe nothing is perfect. Just safe. Just easy. It's not always where you want to be. and when you aren't sure of it, I can feel that. you. me. just visiting.

600: The 600 dollars promised by the government magically appeared in my checking account today. You're supposed to spend it on something you don't need. stimulate the economy. Okay. I have a sleeve of ink in progression. That's where I go with it. I also need a few things for my garage gym\music cave. I picked-up a used Pearl drum-set. Because I've always wanted one. I have a Fight Club poster on the wall. A jump rope- various weights and it's been totally cleaned over the weekend so even with my Element inside, there is plenty of room. 2 weeks into the drums, work-out, writing , eating cake. I Started running at night again. Started drinking wine again too. Sleep. little of it. no hair-cuts. no string alongs. and not to many lies.

2.A.M went for a walk. So quiet. I got to feeling meditative. I felt as though my inner self was much closer to the surface than it usually gets. It’s a nice feeling. It takes quiet to get there.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I always snuck you in in between my words. I hated that you didn't see it. I hated searching for me in your words.
I wanted the world to know.

don't wash me off yet. I still have things to teach you.

has she finished teaching you things yet? I'm not sure.

Christian said...

now the world knows - anonymous.
ive been taught.is she done? Ive been taught but have I learned? don't teach me just half-way. have i learned. I know words. and I know the difference now.