Saturday, February 2, 2008

Until I can barely breathe

Pain. Pain I am beginning to know you well. I am not in to much of it at the moment though.
lying bed. way to late. staring at ceiling. cigarette if I smoked. a kiss, if she were here. where does it start, and when does it end? I did watch the new LOST episode and I am so glad it's back again. Pain. It shoots up all over. I am not sleeping well, I can tell you that. I miss my Dogs fur touching my leg. A pet on the head. Where is my calm, where is my fine.

No breast milk for me.
My mom had me when she was 16, I guess I can understand.

I still can't get my one stupid tooth, way back in mouth taken out yet. Blood pressure still to high. I did see my regular Dr. and I am back on BP meds. (for now). I am hoping I can kill the salt, caffiene and then go off them. Like i did last time. (cause look how it worked so well, hrf) Whatever. I hate taking pills. Half the stuff I get I blame on my anxiety. Funny how when I don't have the anxiety all my problems, health or otherwise seem to vanish.

Ink I had scheduled to do this weekend is now temporarily put on hold. Can't get some sleeve started with infectection and feeling like this.

The tooth thing isn't anxiety, it is really swollen and really need to get out of my head, but the hald a dozen other things I got since this thing went down have been. I don't know about you but when I get any meds here is what I do: go directly the internet and look up the side effects and read reviews of it. That shit will scare you. From there I usually get one, two maybe three of each side-effects. Its a circle of chaos.

Now back the no breast milk thing. My Mom let me sleep with my bottle all night long, every night. Probably even on my tummy. What did a young mother know back in 69? So when I finally went to Denist at age 4 or so my baby teeth were all fucked up. My Mom tells me she was actually yelled at by the Dentist and brought to tears , feeling she had failed as a mother as she drove me and my cavity filled head home she told me she was sorry. At least that what my false memory tells me to write. I do remember going the dentist very often throughout childhood, filling baby teeth cavities only to have them come out not to long after. But my mom felt guilty and after all my baby chicklets were gone she would make me go 3 times a year. Which is why I have very good teeth.

What would it have been like to have tit? Would it have made me better person today?, would I have ended up with this high pressure. Do I blame this all on being a bastard child?

I haven't had any pain in a few days. I am off the drugs for it. I do get up in the middle of the night sometimes and feel like I am dying. Even though I know I am not. I sit around wondering if I should go to the ER so they can laugh at me. Wait for sunlight. I push myelf to make it until the sun is up, because thats when I know everything will be alright. right?

Is this love? Is this heartbreak? Is it because I miss her?
Is it because this is

Who are you killing now?

No comments: