Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Girls are not a game. Not one that you can win

Ash Wednesday. Chinese New Year. Take your pick. For me it's ashes ashes
we all fall down.

Cassandra lifted up her plaid skirt behind the oak tree for me. In 4th grade I thought I was given the answers to the universe. For one thing, I knew I would never be a priest.
She waited for me to make my move and then kissed me first. She told me I was a slow lover. I wasn't much of a lover at all.

I am still a better liar than lover. But I am trying.

things changed , like they always do. I'm not worried as much, I don't miss her as much, but I still lose a little sleep. I'm not looking for anything. But I know something will find me.

A really good comic book that ive read for a number of years came to end. Y: The Last Man.
Seems like all my favorite comic, turned graphic novels have ended. Sandman, Preacher and now Y. I am sure you'll see Y ruined as a major motion picture in the future.

My tooth is out. Blood pressure down in a matter of a week. Maybe the meds and a few new books I've been reading. Want to hear my new mantra for the year? Well, not really a mantra, more a philosphy put into practice " Every event that befalls me is absolutely the best possible event that could occur". It's from a Zen - art of happiness book I picked up at the library. Such a lively book coming from such a dreary little place. Books. Lonely like dogs in a rescue. Which reminds me of the Pedigree Dog food commericials that are running recently. They break my heart. I can't tell you how much they tear me open.

What helped get my BP down so the Dr. could finally extract my tooth was this: He gave me a script for some Xanax to take the night before and then an hour before the surgery. Seems I suffer from a little Doctor anxiety. who doesnt? He also gave me the laughing gas while in the chair too. I had my IPOD on and I have to say it turned out to be a delightful experience.

I am lying in bed tonight with no pain for the first time in over a week and half. No more Vicodin, No more fighting the tears back. Just real- sleep. Real dreams.
and my Heart torn apart by commercials with abandoned puppies.

The book works. The thing about everything that happens being the best thing that can possibly happen. It ends up being true.

I don't know where you and I will end up. But wherever it is, It will be for the best. I know that.

Cassandra. Her mouth tasted like Watermelon Bubble Yum. She kissed me cause I was scared to. But I kissed her back hard. Her panties were pink with a white bow in front. She told me not to tell anyone that she showed them to me.

We got ashes on our foreheads. Our school had it's own church. Stained Glass and a Jesus hanging on a cross. For lent I tried to give up touching myself. But that was to difficult so I gave up something else.

On Valentines day. I gave Cassandra the biggest and best card I could find. She didn't even thank me, but I saw her give something to Matt after school while she was waiting for her Mom to pick her up.
If I had a cupcake with a pink heart and rainbows drawn on it, I'd give it to her. She reminded me of sweet. My friend told me." Yeah, sweet evil,"

Nothing else matters when you are in love or when you are in pain.

I have trouble telling from the two.

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