and now she will put me back together

I had this plan. It would turn 2008 and magically things would be better. It was that simple.

Change things up a bit, a new username or two. Concepts and ideas. Get healthy. Try to forget her best I can. Re-group. Write some awesome stories from time to time, review books, movies, music. Possibly make new friends. new muses.

But really all it's been is one thing after other.

I say this sitting here on a generic Vicodin buzz. I don't like charting my demise in blog form. It isn't becoming. It isn't anything but whining.

I have already realized the fact I am getting older and not younger. Things break down. At times. I break down. My body fails me.

A few weeks back a tooth I had fixed last year. Cracked again. The crown cracked. I have little dental work in my mouth. I have taken a huge amount of pride in taking care of my teeth. yearly cleanings, floss, wash, sonic tooth brush. But this ONE tooth. Its been filled, re-filled, then root-canal, crown, cracked, re-crown, cracked, re crown.

About two days after having the old crown taken off and a temp put in. (approx 3 weeks ago)I get a swelling just behind my left ear. It gets bigger and bigger as the day goes on. Until its fucking scary big. I rarely get sick. So I freak when something happens like this. I run to the Dr. He says I have an abscess on the back of my tonsil. It was a Friday. he gave me a shot and more drugs and said to watch it. If it gets bigger go to the hospital I might have to have it drained!!! What. He assures me that he doubts it will come to that. It didn't It down in about a week.

Then I go last week to get the permanent crown back in my mouth. It goes good. there is the typical swelling. The gum hurts adjusting to this new piece of white porcelain. But then on this past Sunday it hurts. It throbs. This is not normal. I am up all night. I am crying. literally crying it hurts to much.

Today I go to my Dentist. An X-ray shows that my original root canal that is over 10 years old could be bad. The tooth, what is left of it, may be fractured. He sends me out to a oral surgeon. He will either give me another root canal or clean it out and seal it. I go.

Instead he suggests I just pull the damn thing. It hurts and I want too. I want so bad. Fine. The tooth has pissed me off for so many years. let's be done with it. In a few months Ill get a single implant and its good as new. I make may choice. PULL.

I am in the chair. But before he starts he takes me Blood Pressure. once, twice, again. NO I cant pull it he says. 'your blood pressure is to high, you could stroke out if I give you the sedation and numbing needed" He gives me these Vicodins and antibiotics instead. tells me to get my BP under control first. My mouth fucking hurts, my head. I haven't slept in 2 days. I call my Doctor Doctor. I am going tomorrow. I took BP meds about 3 or 4 years ago but got it under control and went off them. to much salt, to much something. Its way up and I am so fucked now.

This Vicodin is already starting to wear off. He said there is a chance with the antibiotics that my tooth infection around the root canal may clear up. It might go back to normal and I can wait to get the eventual yank out. I hope so. I don't know.

I am still waiting for that magic to happen. That simple plan. The follow through.

Right now. I am only falling apart.