Where to begin

i ran something over the other day and i don't know what. she calls me out of the blue and i wasn't paying close attention to the road. I don't think anyone does anymore.
im doing things and nothing gets done. does this happen to you too?

I said hello.
i wonder how she got my number. but, I'm easy to find she says and knows it's probably on purpose. i was probably waiting for this. it's what i wait for. Okay. fill me in.

I say, listen, here is what's new:
she's off the pill.
I make an awesome black bean taco.
after the best night of sex Ive ever had i was offered a frozen waffle for breakfast.
I don't just love the ones i cant have anymore.
I love the ones that love me.
dust and pornography have collected on my laptop.
I don't let the stories write me.
There has been to much coffee. not enough sleep.
Ive been hearing my inside voice more and more.
i like pumpkin anything and peanut butter anything.
you anything.
I don't lie unless you ask me too. I like when you ask me to.
Ive been bored with music lately.
I play piano. I drink beer and wine.
I'm going to Mickey's not so scary Halloween party at Disney World 10-31
I no longer eat meat (only fish) .
she likes when i tell her stories.
she believes she still loves me.
I believe in ghosts.
I can no longer find comfort in words.
I don't read what you write.
this is distance.
this is as close to silence that i know.
i think about you almost every single day.
this doesn't belong in the category of secrets.
i like keeping your secrets.
this isn't everything.
it's not far from the truth.

snow flakes fall and boom goes the heart

I'd say this years
ending note
won't be a punch in the gut.
maybe a loose choke out.
nothing to bruise you
like youre used to, like you like
and need.

it's okay if you do,
and why don't you
find me-
i see the marks
i left on you
have all but
faded.

I'm having trouble thinking up a shiny brief statement- let's see, I promise to do better and be better and let it all go?

highly unlikely. i just keep running , sweating, writing, bleeding, strumming, drumming, coming, going. eating cake. Will it ever be enough to fill your belly, like i did before?

and will there ever be a bigger question as to why?
was there ever any question? if there was, i hope you know
by now.

the silence
and void
is hard
to fill

even
with words.

boom.


photos\art:
goodwinterdeviantart
scott radke

the best luck i had was you

"The ladies that I used to know; And, well some they wish me well; and some became my enemies; and some I told to go to hell; and some still haunt me in my dreams…. some still haunt me in my dreams”


It's beautiful cool and blue and dusk and then night - today is to amazing to waste. I wanted to do something before everything starts. I'm married on Friday. Halloween and oh, by the way she believes in me just how i am, just how I'm going to be. how i write it and all the in between. just how- everything.
So, I do and she does and then when I may, I'm going to kiss her hard on the mouth because that's how i do it. when i say my wife, it could have never been anyone but her. the others ran from me, didn't understand me, never trusted me, actually believed id throw the blanket away that kept us warm. didn't i tell you i wouldn't throw anything i love away- ? it wasn't a test. I just wanted to know. I want to know the girl who lays beside me, the girl i live and die for, who has my name, who wears my ring, is as much a junkie for me as I am for her.


The room key- it's like a credit card only it has a Domino's pizza ad on it. I didn't come here and mean for it to remind me of her. I'm in a different time and place and yet things are similar. Maybe i don't know where i am or if this is me or why i bothered to come here at all.

I know why. I saw this motel while driving to work and thought it would be fun to get a room. I could open the windows and let the cool air inside, play music and jump on the bed alone. totally alone and never really alone.

we were in a room like this, the bed faces the same wall. It's noisy outside and there are cheap lamps on cheap night stands, and a bed spread pattern right out of the 70's. I hate thinking that's all we ever were. a chemical romance. fighting and sleep overs. but something like that spark - something about the fit - you can't blame me for wanting more. In my head it's always so much more. I've told myself more lies than anyone ever could.

I won't lie to you now, I've been here before. I come here to write sometimes. There is a court-yard and a pool. It's built next to the train-station. A Denny's out front, drug deals in the back.
There was a girl i used to meet here and she would lug her record player and speakers up a flight of stairs to the room. She brought The Smiths and some others. I hadn't heard vinyl since high school. she rode me to side-one of Louder Than Bombs. It's weird that she felt best on top. On top girl- that's how I remember her.
I just thought of something, how do you not write about sex when you're in a motel room?

I left the room and walked to the train station. I'm by the tracks waiting for trains. i love the sound of bells and whistles and the thunder shaking steel. people coming and going - leaving.
I'd say I'm leaving this all behind me, but I'm not.
my ink changed me and she changed me but not the ring. I'll still have my addictions and she'll still understand. the silence may be less deafening.

a train pulls in on the other side of the tracks. when it stops it hisses and people get off and some get on and some leave and never come back. I used to pick her up and take her back, she used to come and go and then one day she never came back. like you, she will never come back.


i hate waiting for anything alone. so I don't. there are some things i can't do: i could never sleep alone again. I could never not miss her, not her, but the feeling of that something out of reach. that unbalanced knowing she is somewhere out there. knowing I'll never feel the heat of her skin pressed to mine again. yet the existing possibility of such, however unreal is so fucking inspiring and keeps me word filled and teary eyed with emotion. now maybe you understand? there are no real stone walls keeping us away, just the slightest change of heart. How it feels loving her and hurting after. knowing all along i am for someone else.

a brisk wind cuts across the tracks into my face. The cold air makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. (another ghost?) I have my hoody on over the shirt i wore when i first met her. my hand is starting to hurt from writing this. A few people are waiting on benches. I'm on the wrong side. I just figured out the train doesn't run on this side today. I could do what i always do and wait for something that will never arrive. Today is to amazing to waste. I do something, the something i came to do, I get up close my notebook and leave.

awesome retro face

Time:
look at your watch. look at the clock on the wall. look at the bottom of your computer screen. remember the time. remember you spent it with me on my birthday.

our moments together slipping. I'm racing to write it all down but I've already forgotten half of what made it so great. The rest is inside me. I get another wish today. but i wouldn't feel right fucking her again or would I? i get cake. cake with candles, cake with frosting, cake with ants.
think about something you want and you'll get it. (except to get younger)

i like her to wear purple. i like when she wears the purple dress. purple eye-shadow. it's her best color and she might not even know it. Or is it green? It could be green. either way we are going out tonight. either way her panties to match purple or green. we are staying in or I'm picking her up or we'll just snuggle on the sofa. I'll pet her head and tell her to be good.

I know she isn't going to sing for me and if she did- not well. she fakes her way through it. It wouldn't hurt my feelings if she just stood there and smiled. happy- happy-happy.


it's carved into me. carved into my cake. my mother called me, my sister emailed, and my soon- to- be wife made me a notebook. I get a wish and I'm going to write it down in that book. Don't let me forget. I'm writing it down like this:
I've had my cake. I've had you. everything is the way it should be. 10\14\08. she loves me. she loved me. I wish everyone to be as lucky as me.

interested in seeing what i got?: tumblr

An Orchestrated Rise to Fall

The trust me fund:
She's getting married next weekend, It's what they would call all-of-a-sudden. The bride, she's only 18 and it's her first. first husband, first wedding, first cake, first ring, first everything.

" ... and Yes, she's pregnant", that's what I hear her mother telling people over the phone. Her mother is the secretary for my company and that's how i know all these things. She had two weeks to pull it all together. I'm told it's supposed to look and feel like a big deal wedding since the father of the child and husband to-be has a 2 million dollar trust fund waiting when he turns 35. Impress his family sort of thing.

Wait. He's almost 30, she's 18. You're thinking this isn't going to work out. You're thinking child-bride and who is holding the shot-gun. And I think you know.
The old me would say one word to him: Run.
I'm trying to be more positive these days. plus, you should know I'm rooting for the kid and her unborn. Starving artist boys with trust funds, I guess they get what they deserve.



One night to speed up truth:
I'm invited to the wedding extravaganza and I can't say I've ever turned down an offer to attend a wedding. (nor to be wed) I'm such a foolish romantic at heart. Will there be wine? food, music, cake? Yes, yes, yes and yes. Then yes.
Of the marriages I've attended it's about 50- 50 the couples have remained married.
true fact.
I must also mention that this whole thing is taking place on Sunday. Opening day of football season Sunday. Priorites. How dare them, I know. So, I'll have to Tivo/Dvr the game.
You're thinking Christian, miss his Dallas Cowboys game live!!!? okay maybe your not thinking that. but I am.
Oh, but that bitter taste they left in my mouth. They shouldn't have broken my heart like they did last year in the playoffs. They're like that slice of cake that falls on the floor, it still looks all good and sugary but, it fell on the floor. You think it might be okay. You pick it up, wipe it off, check to see if any ones looking and take a big bite. It could be the most delicious cake you've ever had. That something you've been waiting for all your life. Or it could have dirt on it and you wish you could just spit out. instead you know you'll just choke on it. So, The safe bet is not to get all worked up. Save yourself the broken heart and leave the cake on the floor for someone else to take a chance on. In other words.... record it - Then see how it all turns out later.


I wonder when it's winter am I going to wish for it to be summer again?

credits:

ohgirl