would you tell me if it felt any different?

Ive done good
and bad
learned to wait
my turn
in line
and not get
upset

i feel i
changed
things
with you.
for all of us.
i promised
to be better
next time

there is no next time
but i like to tell myself
there will be
it helps fill the pages
in my notebook

the sticker says
i voted
and i vote
you always
let me.

my luck has
been cold at times
but running hot
as of late

baby,
Ive said to
many things
i wish i
didn't

and i miss
calling her
baby
(things like that, i wish she wouldn't know)
and baby
i forgave you
only
because you
you wanted
it
not because
you deserved it

and i deserve it even less
so, who
are we kidding?

we share things that no longer
matter
and yet it all matters.
the
birthdays
and babies
our special days
just silly games

baby, id say save
them
for the other one

but, baby,......

I know if i say baby again
it will wear itself out
and become meaningless
like how my loving you
looks so pretty on
paper

real life
isn't fairy tales
but should be
it's where everything
changes
even if it means breaking
the rules
to make
things work

it's where i live with you
and force you to listen to
my sad song
music
because
we are just
that fucking
happy
we won

mischief, mayhem, cake

I've always wanted a Hallowedding. i picked up the cake, that was my job. It has the blood splatters placed like i wanted. I had to get the placement right even if it's supposed to look random. Okay, i told them to fix a few things on it , but the decorator lady wasn't mad. Now It's elegant yet spooky. Cake is important. It's wishes and luck.


I told my girl to pick out where she wanted to go after and she said Disney World, like she just won the Super Bowl. " I'm going to Disney World"
Why? i asked.
Never been. she said.
I was trying to sell her on a North Carolina Cabin i had heard about. Mountains and cold.
But how can someone have NEVER been to Disney?


It's okay because I just bought a vintage 70's mickey shirt( see tumblr) the other day and it's soft as butter and awesome. Least I'll have something to wear. I have to get ready soon. I was a few hours late to my last wedding. This time I think she's the one who might not show. That would be funny. She's not a virgin.

A quickie wedding and the party later tonight. There's going to be family, friends, ex-lovers, Italian food, Halloween surprises, candy and a piano player who will play music from Nightmare and Corpse Bride. I asked for some Pan's Labyrinth too. Oh, and Billy Idol's White wedding on piano should be fun.

the best luck i had was you

"The ladies that I used to know; And, well some they wish me well; and some became my enemies; and some I told to go to hell; and some still haunt me in my dreams…. some still haunt me in my dreams”


It's beautiful cool and blue and dusk and then night - today is to amazing to waste. I wanted to do something before everything starts. I'm married on Friday. Halloween and oh, by the way she believes in me just how i am, just how I'm going to be. how i write it and all the in between. just how- everything.
So, I do and she does and then when I may, I'm going to kiss her hard on the mouth because that's how i do it. when i say my wife, it could have never been anyone but her. the others ran from me, didn't understand me, never trusted me, actually believed id throw the blanket away that kept us warm. didn't i tell you i wouldn't throw anything i love away- ? it wasn't a test. I just wanted to know. I want to know the girl who lays beside me, the girl i live and die for, who has my name, who wears my ring, is as much a junkie for me as I am for her.


The room key- it's like a credit card only it has a Domino's pizza ad on it. I didn't come here and mean for it to remind me of her. I'm in a different time and place and yet things are similar. Maybe i don't know where i am or if this is me or why i bothered to come here at all.

I know why. I saw this motel while driving to work and thought it would be fun to get a room. I could open the windows and let the cool air inside, play music and jump on the bed alone. totally alone and never really alone.

we were in a room like this, the bed faces the same wall. It's noisy outside and there are cheap lamps on cheap night stands, and a bed spread pattern right out of the 70's. I hate thinking that's all we ever were. a chemical romance. fighting and sleep overs. but something like that spark - something about the fit - you can't blame me for wanting more. In my head it's always so much more. I've told myself more lies than anyone ever could.

I won't lie to you now, I've been here before. I come here to write sometimes. There is a court-yard and a pool. It's built next to the train-station. A Denny's out front, drug deals in the back.
There was a girl i used to meet here and she would lug her record player and speakers up a flight of stairs to the room. She brought The Smiths and some others. I hadn't heard vinyl since high school. she rode me to side-one of Louder Than Bombs. It's weird that she felt best on top. On top girl- that's how I remember her.
I just thought of something, how do you not write about sex when you're in a motel room?

I left the room and walked to the train station. I'm by the tracks waiting for trains. i love the sound of bells and whistles and the thunder shaking steel. people coming and going - leaving.
I'd say I'm leaving this all behind me, but I'm not.
my ink changed me and she changed me but not the ring. I'll still have my addictions and she'll still understand. the silence may be less deafening.

a train pulls in on the other side of the tracks. when it stops it hisses and people get off and some get on and some leave and never come back. I used to pick her up and take her back, she used to come and go and then one day she never came back. like you, she will never come back.


i hate waiting for anything alone. so I don't. there are some things i can't do: i could never sleep alone again. I could never not miss her, not her, but the feeling of that something out of reach. that unbalanced knowing she is somewhere out there. knowing I'll never feel the heat of her skin pressed to mine again. yet the existing possibility of such, however unreal is so fucking inspiring and keeps me word filled and teary eyed with emotion. now maybe you understand? there are no real stone walls keeping us away, just the slightest change of heart. How it feels loving her and hurting after. knowing all along i am for someone else.

a brisk wind cuts across the tracks into my face. The cold air makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. (another ghost?) I have my hoody on over the shirt i wore when i first met her. my hand is starting to hurt from writing this. A few people are waiting on benches. I'm on the wrong side. I just figured out the train doesn't run on this side today. I could do what i always do and wait for something that will never arrive. Today is to amazing to waste. I do something, the something i came to do, I get up close my notebook and leave.

i like your lips sticky , sparkly and sweet

-were only liars but were the best at it-

Once, when i believed in tarot, a lady laid my cards out on a dark wood table. I touched each one with my finger-tip. She told me she saw death by a jealous husband. I asked, "mine or his?"


I sent a text message to random numbers in my phone today. A mass texting. did you think it was to the wrong person? what it said, did it make sense? It's not supposed to. She used to send me messages like that. They didn't make any sense so i assumed weren't sent for me, but i knew they were. you know what i mean when i say - There are no accidents.

I'd send back a frantic WRONG PERSON, press enter - wait
wait. wait. for the lie. wait. wait. for anything. wait. wait.
then id look at my display screen again and wonder what the fuck "good i need it" meant.
No reply. No reply.
she wouldn't say. silly games. that's what she taught me. she's going to put you in your place the same way.

now i find myself doing it sometimes just to see. It's like my word tourettes. I can't help it, I have to. I have to say that i miss you. I have to tell you over and over that everything is fine. I have to separate truth from fiction and can you guess which this is?

You look better in my t-shirts than you do in his. (truth)


It doesn't mean i don't love you, the whole text thing. Now you know if it flashed and buzzed and you read it and it didn't make sense. I sent you something i sent to everyone. you re not so special. Then again, neither am I.


- I shouldn't, but i do -

and so i will watch you from afar

Pretty girls make graves. It was playing on the radio by her bed. Autumn- leaves burnt brown and orange falling through an open window. She told me she cut into her skin to feel something. i wanted to make her feel that something. I laid beside her watching her bleed. I found her funny and overly dramatic. we stayed up late. let me put a band-aid on it. let me fix you. I'd say.
I slept over almost every Friday and it was inevitable she would get up to pee or go flip over the mix-tape an bang her toe on the night-stand. Every Time.
I loved her little voice, her big profanities in the darkness.
fuck- fuck- fuckity face fuck. Christian stop laughing i know you're fuckin laughing it's not fucking funny.
Pressing a pillow to my face i'd say-
nu nu I swar im nut..mrph..mprh.
Her dirty mouth.

We were to young she said but, i would have married her that night. I asked. She told me I was silly and sweet and I wasn't the girl you marry. I'm the girl to put you in your place

I would have driven you anywhere. I would have taken my car and crashed us into a guard rail or into the deepest lake. I would sank to the bottom for her. I did. I wanted her to feel me. my words caressing her rusty mind. my body pressing against her body. alive or lifeless. Feel something, even if it be our dying moment.

I kissed her scars and mouth like it was our last kiss. she played along so sweet. she let me touch everything deep. it was only when i reached for her heart that she would flinch. grabbing my hand and whispering. NOT there.

She let me as hard and as long and as violently as I wanted, as I needed. I needed it. the feeling of something too. i loved her like it was my last love and maybe it was..... she ruined me for everyone else. Everyone has someone like that.