Wednesday, April 2, 2008

underneath it all

"The greatest gains and values are the farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are, the highest of reality.......
The true harvest of my daily life if somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little stardust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched."
- Henry David Thoreau

In the letter I send, we are friends. I use your name. I am polite. I ask nicely. I don't talk about myself to long and not to much about you. Not to much about what, or if, or why. But hi. but hey, but don't our games seem silly now. Monday-Wednesday-Friday. meaning what? What days were mine or yours. Silly. Sweaty. Even kind of a sickness.

In the letter we are friends. I am your fan. You are mine. You don't hate me. I am happy for you and I say it with a smile. I use my funny words. I say things you don't mind. I do it because you ask me.

In the letter we are friends because I didn't think you would. If I asked. If i wanted. Would you? I ask but only in a way so you'd know. not him. not them. not her. not anyone.

And you and I to be really in the same place at the same time. Alone. It wouldn't be any less dangerous. you and I underneath the same sun or moon and stars. Together. I'd want to touch you. To tell you lies and hear them back. To know you, like you are now. Not then. In all this time. and It took so long. I've learned. That in a letter. this. In that distance. Safe between the bars. I can give you happiness and love. Even if that love is not me.

Watched the documentary The Devil and Daniel Johnston. See it if you haven't. His music has been covered by Beck, Bright Eyes, ..many others. I had heard of the cd covering his music and downloaded many of the songs here and there over the last two years. Didn't know much about the guy. Saw the dvd at the library and gave it a shot. I'm leery to go out and rent or use netflix q on documentaries. I think someone even wrote to tell me I might enjoy this once. I'm sorry if you did and I didn't listen. I'm tired of love letters and hip bones. post- it notes all over my walls and in my bed. reminding me of my faults and obsessions. I already know how to hold you down. I already know how to let you go. I already know neon paper and black permanent marker look best. Don't wash off. Don't wash off after I come. Don't wipe off my kiss. Don't anything. I want you just how I remember.

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