and now she will put me back together

I had this plan. It would turn 2008 and magically things would be better. It was that simple.

Change things up a bit, a new username or two. Concepts and ideas. Get healthy. Try to forget her best I can. Re-group. Write some awesome stories from time to time, review books, movies, music. Possibly make new friends. new muses.

But really all it's been is one thing after other.

I say this sitting here on a generic Vicodin buzz. I don't like charting my demise in blog form. It isn't becoming. It isn't anything but whining.

I have already realized the fact I am getting older and not younger. Things break down. At times. I break down. My body fails me.

A few weeks back a tooth I had fixed last year. Cracked again. The crown cracked. I have little dental work in my mouth. I have taken a huge amount of pride in taking care of my teeth. yearly cleanings, floss, wash, sonic tooth brush. But this ONE tooth. Its been filled, re-filled, then root-canal, crown, cracked, re-crown, cracked, re crown.

About two days after having the old crown taken off and a temp put in. (approx 3 weeks ago)I get a swelling just behind my left ear. It gets bigger and bigger as the day goes on. Until its fucking scary big. I rarely get sick. So I freak when something happens like this. I run to the Dr. He says I have an abscess on the back of my tonsil. It was a Friday. he gave me a shot and more drugs and said to watch it. If it gets bigger go to the hospital I might have to have it drained!!! What. He assures me that he doubts it will come to that. It didn't It down in about a week.

Then I go last week to get the permanent crown back in my mouth. It goes good. there is the typical swelling. The gum hurts adjusting to this new piece of white porcelain. But then on this past Sunday it hurts. It throbs. This is not normal. I am up all night. I am crying. literally crying it hurts to much.

Today I go to my Dentist. An X-ray shows that my original root canal that is over 10 years old could be bad. The tooth, what is left of it, may be fractured. He sends me out to a oral surgeon. He will either give me another root canal or clean it out and seal it. I go.

Instead he suggests I just pull the damn thing. It hurts and I want too. I want so bad. Fine. The tooth has pissed me off for so many years. let's be done with it. In a few months Ill get a single implant and its good as new. I make may choice. PULL.

I am in the chair. But before he starts he takes me Blood Pressure. once, twice, again. NO I cant pull it he says. 'your blood pressure is to high, you could stroke out if I give you the sedation and numbing needed" He gives me these Vicodins and antibiotics instead. tells me to get my BP under control first. My mouth fucking hurts, my head. I haven't slept in 2 days. I call my Doctor Doctor. I am going tomorrow. I took BP meds about 3 or 4 years ago but got it under control and went off them. to much salt, to much something. Its way up and I am so fucked now.

This Vicodin is already starting to wear off. He said there is a chance with the antibiotics that my tooth infection around the root canal may clear up. It might go back to normal and I can wait to get the eventual yank out. I hope so. I don't know.

I am still waiting for that magic to happen. That simple plan. The follow through.

Right now. I am only falling apart.

From Scratch

I went to go GOGGLE a home-made recipe for blue-berry muffins.

Listing Came up: all NEW PHOTOS of Muffin Tops

and another asking would I like to see" HOT GIRLS sweet MUFFINS? "

Well, Yes. yes I would.

But I would also like to make my muffins.

A simple recipe will do.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Those Strawberry Shortcakes smelled good for the boys and I would sneak into my sisters room so that I could sniff them.

Inhale and close my eyes.. Would any girl ever be able to hold a candle to Blue Berry Muffin or Raspberry Tart?

Was I forever to be in search of a girl who would smell like baked goods? Was I ruined.

Is it my fault that when I started to go to the flea-market years later I ended up finding old dolls in the piles of toys for sale. And many of them even after all those years, still had their smell. So I bought one, then two and then found myself with an entire collection.

The Last Days of the Suicide Kid - Bukowski reads.

this is an even kind of art

Who I find the most fun being, often isn't me.
That guy, never goes down winding roads with foot on gas pedal to the floor.
He does talk to one girl, phone to ear, while texting another. Fingers swollen from excessive cracking of knuckles. Annoying passive aggressive questioning. Slightly confused by his own lies.

One thing I know for sure. He can't pick out a dinnerware set to save his life and he hates, and I mean hates any porno in which the guy is fucking, using a condom.

Hands slip down my shorts when I hear her voice. Some people just do that to you. Someone has been your poison. Someone is your drug. And I bet you anything you don't dare say his name to much anymore. And when you hear that song. Your song. you reach so fast for the skip button.
If you are brave enough try spinning around in front of a mirror and saying my name 3 times. You think nothing will happen? try it. I dare you. Junkie.

I'd tell you I would never spend a dime on it. But we all do. You lie , cheat , steal and you fucking throw- throw your stones. All high-horse judges. All knowing in the merry ol land of OZ.

they fall safely by my feet. Them stones, and I pick em up and I have a good enough arm to bust out all the windows.

"Love me Daddy." Does it all come down to abandonment?
Is this the great search? Is this who you eventually fall in love with or is this just who you want to fuck. Fuck over.

I don't think about economics or religion to often. I figure you all have your own gods and dug yourself a pretty good grave of debit. Someone owes somebody else something and baby the world owes me.... a drink. Pay up.

So, the great debate with myself today is where do I hang that piece of art? and furthermore
Is it even art to begin with?

Lollon

Bleed into Me

after
light rain.
after you put my
jacket on.
after
right words
passing over
lips.
after hard
kiss
promises.

I held you after every lie

after taking your heart after spilling your blood

after all is said
and done

after this chaos

you make me still

baby I'm a star

There was this magnet program in H.S. I signed up for it in my sophomore year. I would have to take the bus 45 minutes away to Lake Worth H.S.
but so what, it was a free film- school program.

I'm not even sure why they ended up picking me. Whatever made me think I could shoot films in the first place?. I didn't even own a regular camera. I may have taken maybe 4 pictures in my life and that was on Polaroid film.
I got in though and I took it as a sign of fate.

It's not like in 1986 every kid had access to a video camera. For some reason my parents had one. (I never asked)
So, what we were told to do at the sign up thing was to go shoot a short movie and edit it with some equipment that was made available to us. This was all during my summer mind-you.

I waited until the last week or so and got a few friends together.
One a girl, who's phone number I kept all summer but was afraid to call.
Ah. but the courage a geek can get while holding a movie camera.
and the incredibly creepy but predictable line "I think you're great, would you like to be in my movie?" meaning.. you're hot will you fuck me if i put you in my movie?

It took the entire following school year to find out if I was getting in or not.

I shot the movie with 3 friends, one of them actually was really into movies: acting, directing, writing. I mean, REALLY driven. I didn't understand his desire and took the entire thing as a joke. Not art. To me it was fantasy. Just an easy fun class to get me out of my school. No-one would know me here. Maybe the film thing would get me girls. I mean I did\do everything to impress woman. Doesn't every guy. If they tell you different they are lying.

The film or should I say video was close to 3 minutes and was a horror\kung-fu\music video. I wanted to do a Sixteen Candles type of scene thing. But was told there was to much talking and my script wasn't very funny. So, we scraped that and used my friend Joe's, black belt experience in martial arts. Becca's screaming ability. (not to mention her humongous tits)

I don't know. This was right before the movie Dirty Dancing came out in theaters. ( another story for another time)
We didn't have much to work with for inspiration. Rambo, Soul man, Stand-by Me..those were movies of that time. MTV was playing Micheal Jackson and R.E.M in heavy rotation. It took great effort to find anything cool and different. 120 minutes late night on MTV or Rock Over London late nights on the radio. Or you could just ask Cassie because she seemed to be up on bands and films that I am certain hadn't been invented yet. I kept trying to figure out where she was hiding the Delorean and the Flux Capacitor.

It was my idea to do some camera tricks while running the film backwards. The film editor I was able to use had a reverse on it and by God I was going to use it. We made a few things appear to float and some kung fu flying tricks. I am pretty sure that's what impressed the instructor and got me in the class. Just a note**but I'd say Michel Gondry (eternal sunshine, science of sleep) is one of most brilliant using simple effects in modern feature films. I heard is upcoming film Be Kind Rewind is full of them. He created this one http://youtube.com/watch?v=Xs2IU-jTte8

The class was as awesome as I thought it would be. But I got kicked out. Caught tripping on acid, with a girl in the editing room, and that was the least of what really went on. The instructor would leave for most of the class. Doing God knows what. When he did show up he made us watch his films of naked kids playing at the beach. He had hours of that shit. Looking back though he had some pretty advanced ideas about film and where it was heading. He was right in most cases. He said actors would whisper lines so that you could barely hear them, independent film would become main-stream and computers would be a huge part of it all in the future.

He said all writers were liars. A film-maker can't be a complete liar. Audiences see right through that on screen. Watching something as opposed to reading it. People are more programmed to believe what they read, not what they see. Separate the truth from lies and art from shit.

and this is what

You
get.

tell me when the snow falls

dear snow,

why aren't you falling for me yet? are the skies to bright and the moon to low?
rhyming is a disaster better left to the obtuse observer. someone who chooses mother goose over let's say....bukowski? shit. I have to be honest and don't tell this to mc who-ever flav or over dramatic poetry-slam guy but, I dislike so-called poetry. non-bukowski poetry.

did i ever tell you i found buk through reading early rollins, through reading comic books, through reading backs of cereal boxes?. that's how i discovered fante too. salinger was because of a teacher at school.
big authors, who came from big schools, never did impress me. girls with big tits on myspace, girls who scheme. it's to generic. it's to predictable. mathematics impresses me but, I dislike most forms of prose. this is probably why i am not very good at either.

do you wonder why no capitals in my letter. well, the shift key seems to be faulty. OH THERE it goes AND...... back again. isn't that something. question: are you still wearing your socks up to your knees.

and about what we were talking about earlier. don't feel bad.
big change almost never happens. people simply feel lost. they become messes and tend
to remain messes.
I am not saying that is us, but if the shoe fits.
god do I love shoes. she used to say i was like a girl. collecting converse sneakers and vans and slip-ons with tattoo print.

did you ever finish watching the freaks and geeks dvd i lent you?. how bout the wong kar wai collection. ever read any of the books i recommended?. ever pay attention to anything i ever said or did. word for word, heart to heart.
have you been. if you were, you'd see i've been using question marks and those are made using the shift key ??????. so there.

whatever i left over there, just keep. the books and records, the kings of leon t-shirt. consider it a gift. consider everything we learned a gift. from our pretend game, the game called..life. called love, called hauntingly beautiful.

snow, will you ever come
will this ever be done?
was it ever any fun?
to pre-
tend
to lion
den
just get out your pen
and write it

again

I really do love you. goodbye.

I don't understand the human heart.
Only pain makes it grow stronger.
Only sorrow makes it kind.
Contentment makes it wither,
and joy seems to build walls around it.
The heart is perverse,
and it is cruel,
I hate the heart and it
seems to hate
me

and it was called yellow

Black nail polish

and nicotine

stained fingers

through my

angel hair

hard kisses

leave

words

left unspoken

after we have sex

the smoke

in my eyes

orange glow

flicking ashes to

the floor

after we make up

we fight again

after I read

you lines

I drink

again

we got habits to break

baby

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something about Wednesday's makes people evil.

you aren't even who you said you are

Day becomes night so easy

like how you used to stay

and how you

used to lie

and like how I'm always

leaving you

I change my name

and I don't say yours

so, what's changed?

My new lover

she's so less evil

than you

although, I still have the right

words

failing

It's easy, but nothing is really easy

I still talk to the darkness

and ghosts

and I still believe what

I believe

and lie like a fool

and I still adore

but no longer care

and I still hold on

and let go

easy

One & Done

I'm sorry If I ever got any by-standers involved with following my Dallas Cowboys.

My passion for them has been recorded.

I'm sorry if they make you think of me and I'm sorry if you are sorry for me today.

(If you are laughing- FU)

Really though,

One and done? . My heart was ripped out. (again)

I want to not care. In a few days or weeks I probably won't as much.

All my rituals, my superstitions. Yes, it's true I didn't wash my "lucky" Cowboys shirt all season. 13-3. Before the playoffs. Not enough to erase the Jessica Simpson curse I guess. Why does our QB take a trip to Mexico with her before the big game? He knew the media would follow his every move. Can't find a good taco in Texas? I don't believe it.

Did I expect at the start of the year they'd only lose 3 games? No. I had fun watching so many wins. Unexpected.

NFC East Champions. Number one seed and home-field thru the playoffs. I thought I was dreaming. I started to believe. We (They) held all the cards.

But, yesterday happen. I woke up and my heart was missing. I am numb.

They lost in an unspectacular fashion. The Giants whom we beat twice during the regular season, did nothing special. We did nothing at all. Choked.

Today, I was streaming the Cowboys official flag-ship station out of Texas. Listening to the woulda and coulda's. The Coach had a press-conference filled with excuses. It was criminal. Bringing up they had a good season being 13-3 and had improved from last season. But really they didn't. They lost the first game in the playoffs last year too. To me, it's still losing.

Broken hearts......and right at the start of 2008. Oh well, things don't start getting good until after the end of January anyway.

The picture up top is from over this past weekend. A day before my nightmare. I am having family over more often now that my dog is gone. Am I saying as a replacement to my pets? Well, he was my best-friend.

But, really I didn't have many people over when my dog was sick for the past year.

So, my sister and her girlfriend came over for some sashimi\sushi and to watch a movie. (Stardust) If you haven't seen STARDUST it's pretty good if you are into fairy-tales.

Obviously, I am. I thought the Cowboys had a chance to make it to the Super Bowl.

"The future you have tomorrow won't be the future you had yesterday" - from the book RANT by Chuck Palahniuk

A Color of the Sky by Tony Hoagland

Windy today and I feel less than brilliant,

driving over the hills from work.

There are the dark parts on the road

when you pass through clumps of wood

and the bright spots where you have a view of the ocean,

but that doesn't make the road an allegory.

I should call Marie and apologize

for being so boring at dinner last night,

but can I really promise not to be that way again?

And anyway, I'd rather watch the trees, tossing

in what certainly looks like sexual arousal.

Otherwise it's spring, and everything looks frail;

the sky is baby blue, and the just-unfurling leaves

are full of infant chlorophyll,

the very tint of inexperience.

Last summer's song is making a comeback on the radio,

and on the highway overpass,

the only metaphysical vandal in America has written

MEMORY LOVES TIME

in big black spraypaint letters,

which makes us wonder if Time loves Memory back.

Last night I dreamed of X again.

She's like a stain on my subconscious sheets.

Years ago she penetrated me

but though I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed,

I never got her out,

but now I'm glad.

What I thought was an end turned out to be a middle.

What I thought was a brick wall turned out to be a tunnel.

What I thought was an injustice

turned out to be a color of the sky.

Outside the youth center, between the liquor store

and the police station,

a little dogwood tree is losing its mind;

overflowing with blossomfoam,

like a sudsy mug of beer;

like a bride ripping off her clothes,

dropping snow white petals to the ground in clouds,

so Nature's wastefulness seems quietly obscene.

It's been doing that all week:

making beauty,

and throwing it away,

and making more.

Like dirty sex forcing a change of sheets

It wasn’t as easy as getting the semen stains off my Star Wars sheets. Vintage ones mind - you.
Because, I don’t know what respectable person would even mention the latest 3 movies in the same breath as the first . Much- less purchase the sheet sets. Much less admit to owning them.
These are from the original Star Wars. I am proud of that. Even more so to having found them at a local flea-market. Appearing to be never used. (can you say- mint condition) .
In the hallway closet: It’s not like I don’t have the Empire and Jedi’s neatly folded and awaiting a turn to be soiled.

It was going to be difficult. But not impossible. After all these were the ones that she told me
"Any boy over the age of 12 wouldn’t still be sleeping on".
But truth be told it wasn't all that hard to get her back up against them.
Much less the fact she wasn’t even born when any of the first three movies came out. Much less the fact ...what makes her the expert on men’s bedding anyway? (except I’m sure she’s been on her share of them) damn my inner voice..
I have to admit when she was face down staring Chewbecca in the face, I got a little to excited by the humiliation factor of it all. A hard smack on the ass while giving Han a quick wink or a thumbs-up to Darth as I pulled her hair. Give that Imperialist wench what-for. He seemed to be saying in between his heavy breathing. Most likely really mine.

"Don’t get Cocky kid".
An appropriate movie quote as her sweat falls on the Wookie.
And maybe it was wrong. Maybe it’s as she said.
"It’s okay to grow up and have a big- boy room"

I thought:
Maybe it’s even okay to have a big- boy BLOG too? After so many years of friends, lies, lovers and muses on Live-journal.
It wasn’t easy. And here is the real-life analogy - I am pulling off the old sheets and re-designing the bedding and bath with Nate Berkus’ finest. http://www.lnt.com/shop/index.jsp?categoryId=2061149

As for the Blog? Here it is. New. Different. But I promise it will feel good. I promise more truth and I promise more lies.
The boy in me says..never grow up and the girl in me says.."glitter- glitter, stickers, rainbows" . But that’s another story.

My name is Christian
and this
GOOD WINTER