The darker sides of us

Last time she held her breath it was under

water.

This time I put my hand around her throat.

want to feel it squeeze? I

didn't ask.

and if you want to remember the marks i put around

your pale neck?

she is touching

the red

against snow flake skin

reflections in a broken

mirror

When I am inside her

I tell her that I love her

even If I don't mean it

but I did -

I do

our doors are shut

her windows closed for me

why is she always

waiting?

I'd let her up
but not let go
I'd let her breathe
in attempt to save her
I'd take the punch
I'd take the knife
I'd take the pen
and paper

eventually words
even stop breathing


artwork:
audrey kawasaki

When said he Never said she

may I feel said he
(i'll squeal said she just once said he)
it's fun said she (may i touch said he

how much said she

a lot said he)

why not said she

(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she)

may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you're willing said he
(but you're killing said she

but it's life said he
but your wife said she
now said he)
ow said she
(tiptop said he
don't stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she

(cccome? said he
ummm said she)
you're divine! said he
(you are Mine said she)

- e.e. cummings

photos:
http://breebitch.deviantart.com/ (picture 2)
http://www.flickr.com/people/yyellowbird/ (pictures 1 and 3) http://heliumglow.deviantart.com/ (picture 4 is mine)

Nessarose's ruby slippers

But it was those striped-socks that always got to me. So I went to see my other girlfriend the wicked-witch of the East. I wondered what she looked like (before the barn incident). I knew she was the pretty one. Elphaba (her sister) being green and all. Misunderstood. I suppose that is the theme of WICKED. I had purchased pre-sale tickets back in December. It was well worth the wait to see now in April. It seemed tailor made for me. Always the Wizard of Oz fan. Always thought Dorthy was a whiny little brat. I was glad to see The Witch finally getting her due. The play is based on the book of the same name. I'd hate to tell you what it is about, because it's really great to be surprised and there are many. If you liked Wizard of Oz and it's characters. You must see it. I can only say that if it comes to your town, Do whatever it takes to get tickets. I enjoyed it even more than I thought i would. I'd see it again and probably one more time after that.


I knew a girl who had a wonderful cat. A fluffy bunny cat - shiny black with big green eyes and when i asked - she told me the cats name was Elphaba. I thought what strange name. She never explained that was also the Wicked Witch of the Wests name. I found out much much later.
After she was just a ghost of a girl I once had kissed. I could hardly remember the taste of her mouth. But I do remember the smell of her room. Laundry soap and candles. How hard it was to let her go. How I thought we ruined each other for anything normal ever after.
Maybe she assumed I knew about the name. I wasn't passing off as an expert in the world of Oz. She was the first girl who I ever saw wear striped socks to bed though. It wasn't just magic potions. I didn't put two and two together. Striped socks and witches or the picture of a barn on her night-stand. I am often a step behind. Often take things for granted as to what they are. Not what they really are. I was surely bewitched and that little girl wasn't fucking joking when she called me Tin-Man either.

Spring cleaning over the weekend. I mean like floors and windows and ceiling fan blades. Entirely new bathroom decor and some kitchen pretties. The little scrubby guys and cutting board above. From Target'. Have that bright vinyl toy look. I expected to see Limited Edition written on the tags. Because everything nowadays are L.E. aren't they? I guess that's supposed to make us feel special. Individual. The special snowflake. Hey, don't worry you are to me. Anyway pink Octopus is awesome any day.

underneath it all

"The greatest gains and values are the farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are, the highest of reality.......

The true harvest of my daily life if somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little stardust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched."
- Henry David Thoreau

In the letter I send, we are friends. I use your name. I am polite. I ask nicely. I don't talk about myself to long and not to much about you. Not to much about what, or if, or why. But hi. but hey, but don't our games seem silly now. Monday-Wednesday-Friday. meaning what? What days were mine or yours. Silly. Sweaty. Even kind of a sickness.

In the letter we are friends. I am your fan. You are mine. You don't hate me. I am happy for you and I say it with a smile. I use my funny words. I say things you don't mind. I do it because you ask me.

In the letter we are friends because I didn't think you would. If I asked. If i wanted. Would you? I ask but only in a way so you'd know. not him. not them. not her. not anyone.

And you and I to be really in the same place at the same time. Alone. It wouldn't be any less dangerous. you and I underneath the same sun or moon and stars. Together. I'd want to touch you. To tell you lies and hear them back. To know you, like you are now. Not then. In all this time. and It took so long. I've learned. That in a letter. this. In that distance. Safe between the bars. I can give you happiness and love. Even if that love is not me.

Watched the documentary The Devil and Daniel Johnston. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436231/. See it if you haven't. His music has been covered by Beck, Bright Eyes, ..many others. I had heard of the cd covering his music and downloaded many of the songs here and there over the last two years. Didn't know much about the guy. Saw the dvd at the library and gave it a shot. I'm leery to go out and rent or use netflix q on documentaries. I think someone even wrote to tell me I might enjoy this once. I'm sorry if you did and I didn't listen. I'm tired of love letters and hip bones. post- it notes all over my walls and in my bed. reminding me of my faults and obsessions. I already know how to hold you down. I already know how to let you go. I already know neon paper and black permanent marker look best. Don't wash off. Don't wash off after I come. Don't wipe off my kiss. Don't anything. I want you just how I remember.

give them bread and circuses

all the starving artists with rich parents
sit at coffee house
tables
reading fat books by authors with fat names
and fat pockets

thinking up fat lies
and eating veggie
snacks
rhyming
shit words
in moleskine journals

except-
ORANGE
because you can't think of
one for that

rolled up skinny
ink
sleeved arms
i-pod
filled with
latest pitchfork
rave review bands
and there is probably a guitar pick
in your back pocket
blues
song

making up your plans with
text messages
and
phones set to vibrate
or the just be
silent
shhhhhhhhh
because i don't want him
to know

the hipster kids playing kick-ball in the park
something they missed out on in 4Th grade
i guess
probably picked last
and now they can kick
drunk
now
picked first
finally something-
bad hair cuts, poor vision and
shirts 2 sizes to small
no wonder
you are always
SAD

finally something
for the love me
daddy
boys and girls

a kick in the face
a phony on the
merry go round
tiger
round and round
whatever happened to keeping
your eye on the prize?

I'm not the catcher in
rye
nor the character
in a book
who sweeps
her off her feet

i am the taste of bitterness
and delight
and I am the nightmare
who ruined
it all

skinned knee'd and bruised
choking on that
last bite
of cake
she
waits
and waits

and

waits

** This is Re-posted from my LJ blogs: fightcake, heliumglow. check them out from time to time. Different flavors. **