Patience & lightning bugs

The majority of us lead obscure lives. Set to the level of wants and needs, to much is never enough. They teach this in all the institutions. Work harder and longer, acquire more knowledge, more money, more happiness. But we aren't happy or smarter or wealthier. Just bored, lonely, hollow. On the weekends I look at my work email. I might as well get a jump on things.

My home looks like all the others on this block. We have the same cars, same dogs, wives, kids, gas grills, oil stained driveways, manicured lawns. Same jobs. Middle of the road pay, vacation time, appreciation by management. A routine job, a routine life intermixed with anything to make life liveable, booze, pills, tv, music, deviant sex.

At some point we get sick and die. Or just by some accident we die. The common thread is die. We sit and ponder what this is all about, what it means, how we fit in to it. Saving the planet, the animals, eating right, being patient, fine, balanced , kind?

With a few key strokes i dial up a younger girl on the internet in need of some Daddy fun. Have you been a bad girl? Spanking anyone? And don't think im naive enough not to believe that deep down she doesnt really want to go all hard-candy on me. Id end up tied, gagged, kicked and bleeding. But even that- at least its something different. Less routine.

Less like the houses on my block , the cars , the job, the tvs turned up loud to drown out the screaming kids. dog asleep like a king on a fifty dollar plush dog bed thinking. What the fuck. This isn't so bad.

Winter is Coming

 
                                  but there are always the someplace elses and someone elses and these visions of roads i havent traveled. I havent learned to be still. be still. my heart. my lust. be still.
  I have placed my fingers in places and lips in faces and all that i ever desired still not enough.
  send me your love and your glory and your wishes. send me your dreams and your hopes and your fears. let me swallow them with pen and paper. let me choke you and violate you with these places of somewhere else. of someone else. because who knows where you are?
                         There is a cold dark space between the lines. lets live there. lets fuck there. lets never let this die a million times.
                   lie next to them. be somewhere else. with someone else. or there. with me. just there.
lay still. breathe morning. breathe sunshine. breathe winter.  

Diluted

 

A still October evening. It remains warm down south but comfortable enough out here on the porch. I drink cold beer. The sun slowly falls from the sky. Monday looms and my stomach pains with the anxiety of pressure deadlines, phone calls to make, orders to write, keep customers happy, keep corporate happy. At the monthy meeting we were told of our branch moving toward the beach. A smaller location. "right-sizing", half the drivers and warehouse staff are being let go. Im inside. I sell all day long to standing accounts. How did it come to this. Being driven again by the reward of money and commision bonuses. Im not even there a year and ive sold close to one million dollars of electrical products. The bosses say its not enough. We are down from last week , last month, last year. And there is no winning for them. How do i always end up in the same place. Striving for an imaginary goal. With tooth pain and stomach ache. Candy. Blood.

The fear of not having a pay check has made me a slave. I crave to many things, to many girls, to many drinks. Objects, needless things. The devil is somehow behind this. Like pop culture and hipsters and Sasha Grey. It sounds like im complaing but im not. The blood-mobile came to our warehouse and they begged for my type A -. I felt special.

It seems silly i have a deviant side for spanking girls bottoms. and since the rise of the fifty shades book. Ive gotten more and more takers. Ive been on various sites since im 27, and now being many years older. It is almost art form. " the husband/boyfriend isnt into it" is what ive heard most. And i cant for the life of me understand why. Shes bad. A bad bad girl. Cant you see she deserves it?

One week and im on vacation. A cabin up in the mountains. Burning wood. Reading books. Away from the computer screens and flourescent lights. Nothing to win. Blood to spill. But enough about me. Tell me, have you been bad?

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A night underwater

I wake up in the middle of the night staring through the darkness at the ceiling . I think of you - wonder if you think of me. Are your eyes wide open. Does the poison of me still flow in your veins. As he lies breathing next to you, the dog twitches, the baby sleeps. Silence and morning. I wont say mistake or destiny or in another life. Ill say once and never. And again.

 

 

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away torpedo

i didn't want to waste the paper writing this note. All those trees, chopped, loaded. lost forever.
for grocery lists, good-bye notes, for solving math. for bad poetry, unfinished novels, restaurant menus, passports, gun licenses, marriage licenses.  I decide against paper.
emailed her instead then sent a text for good measure. words in the wind. arrows shot in the dark to see where they land. all this silence. all those memories. I wake for you. I sleep in the restless sea.
Everything from our bank accounts, to our health, to the reckless strangers we let go, to luck , to the love of our life. It's all hit or miss.

Stange Attractor

sharp objects.
we explore each others bodies north and south.
scars from a fathers hand and mothers mouth.
had the words sunk in ,
had the nights washed over
i could have never reached her
where i swam out

a little rusty
a little worn

a distance
north and south
broken compass
torn map


here is the knowing part
ends with gray skies
a scene in the rain
we can't hear
the words 
ends with
summer
promises
sharp objects

The return of captain big mouth

Push wrong buttons
and fever sweat memories
kissed out like the heat
i knew
inside
her

make my way back
to extreme
fragile circus
to the work 
i do
steering the ship 

floating through
starry sky and
black ink sea 
missing her
smack back 

the way out lies
the way out
over- boat
low- tones

big pink sky
red eye shadow
maxed out to revenge
this should have
have been 

us 
sinking ships
sinking ships 

dreaming sometimes swimming

summer always brought me to a place of isolation. school out, friends gone. I waited for you. I hibernate with music and books. good times gone bad and good again. I'm numb to the vibrations of air conditioned rooms, to bed springs, to the rumble of thunder. I feel so far away.. from you.

ive been up and down the coast, drift fishing, unsettled. the way ive broken bones and cut lips. the sky blends to the color of your eyes. distant lighting. distant storms. distant sleep. dreaming sometimes swimming.
    
i wonder what it must be like drifting so long across the sea and one day come to the shore of your heart.

Two ball screwball

When i was a kid, school let out for the summer and it was jumping ramps with my bike time, fishing the canal for large mouthed bass, mowing lawns for buying shit like slurpees, watermelon gum, going to the movies and the ice-cream truck. Our ice-cream man was a ol perv who gave little girls free stuff if they lifted up their pretty little pink summer dress and showed him undies. My favorite off the truck was screwballs - cherry slush and a gum ball at the bottom, second was push-ups, then rocket pops. It was the late seventies. Rock music was still hard, cars were still fast and we rode our bikes without helmets, skateboarded without knee-pads, stayed out until dark with no supervision. We turned out just fine. Video-games were stand up machines at pin-ball arcades, you fed them fucking quarters. You didnt hide in your house all day, no kid stayed indoors.

Even though i lived in South Florida i didnt grow up having a swimming pool. There was only one family that had one put in, a few had above ground pools, the rest of us had kiddie pools, home-made slip-n-slides and sprinklers. I didnt learn to swim until i was seven. To cool off from the heat I rode to the movies with my friends or sometimes alone. They played old Disney movie double features for a dollar. Herbie the love bug and Escape from witch mountain type of stuff. The movie Jaws kind of changed my life, until I saw a movie called Star Wars. I also recall The Warriors, Rollercoaster, and Carrie having some effect on my young mind. I went to the library on occasion too, i was obsessed with soccer and took out books about pele. I got into S.E. Hinton, and later Stephen King. I looked at rock magazines and anything that might have a half naked girl.

Addidas. All.day.i dream. about sex. Something changed. After awhile nothing else mattered, everything i did, wore, said, liked, faked, every fight , scar , tear, drop of blood, every note written, poem, song, goal i scored, any money i made, bike i rode, car i drove, every stupid hair-cut, body spray, truth, lie, every drug i took, cigarette smoked, glass i tilted back. Anytime i ever danced, pretended to like your parents, said it would be forever, said yes, we could be just friends.

It was hot today, i was in the pool thinking about screwball icecream. About the first time i fell in love, about bmx bikes. About the awesome sex i used to have with you, puffy stickers, trapper keeper notebooks. I got out dried off and drove to four different gas stations in an attempt to find a screwball. I looked online and now they make a two ball screwball. ( holy shit two disgusting after two chews gum balls at the bottom!) Im listening for the bells. The music that broken down looking white truck blares. Wheres the ive cream man when you need him?

Low tide at sundown

And thats how Memorial day went down.

 

Sea Sex Sun

I'm used to leaves in the water it was a murky above ground pool where i learned to swim. In her backyard when her parents weren't home. On the last day of school. I mean like last day forever because it was high school and i was getting a job and just enough money to travel. To go somewhere new and different and not here. And she taught me to swim, the girl next door, we grew up together and now she had tits and curves and a murky pool with leaves.

I rode my bike home the last day in the rain. Washing away the ill effects of hormones and lies.  The promise if I went to college id get a good job and a good wife and house and wed have a baby and id live this fairytale life. Grinding through traffic to go to a boring job I hated, strangled inside a pressed shirt and fancy tie that feels more like a noose than success. But, the office girls talk behind my back- "What a powerful well behaved man."

I jumped off my bike and let it just crash into the yard. I saw her in her backyard getting in the pool in bra and panties and she waved me over. I thought how gross the water was and how beautiful. She ignored me at school the last four years, though when we were younger we had played doctor. We played king and queen too and i tied her to my swing set with her jump rope. It was still raining, i took off my jeans and shirt and climbed the ladder. I dove in head first and grabbed her foot underwater. It was murky and smelled like burnt leaves, warm as a stew and the bottom slick with algae. We were sure to catch something. Don't drink it she told me laughing. All of a sudden we were free from school, free from burden. And she swam over and kissed me like she meant it. Its what goodbye feels like and i have felt it many times since. But i was happy then and everything was new. Like learning to swim again. Two strangers in last winters dark water.

Fist, teeth. Money

 

Ever wonder how you got to the place you are now? ' How'd i end up in this windowless box within a box within a box'Wasn't i just here? Didn't i just escape this?Take another sip of corporate Kool-aid. Sell something. Sell something electrical. Electric. I've only ever been good at selling my words. payment in the form of connections. bad intentions. secrets. sins. in photographs. in memories. in blood. in sweat. in tears. high commidities. based on the nothingness abliity to read between the lines. Take another sip, go ahead and tilt it all the way back, taste the creature comforts.The fear of living simply within myself, without the distractions purchased by extra money ive made off commisions. I dream about a cabin in the woods. I dream of wine country. I dream of salt water. Where are the melodies i cant get out of my head, her smell i cant rub off my skin. The road trips and hotel rooms. the half naked stranger shaved smooth. willing. my commision. This box within a box within a box. my only escape - are these few lines written on company time.

 

ashore in a sea of ghosts

A few days of rain it starts getting

to me. Im from the land of sunshine, oranges, coconut trees. my skin has a warm glow. things like hot pink yard flamingos and speedo swimwear amuse me. the rain is fun and even romantic but the three weekends in a row- it's not amusing. read books, write, watch movies these are rain things and good things but i end up making music mixes and folding clothes. I like methodical work. The rain beating against the window glass as i push my swifter broom across the room in perfect rows. im cleaning wood floors and mediating at the same time.

I need to find my mood or passion or muse. I like it when you say hi. when you write me notes. I miss you too. i miss you too. I could say it all day long. your little notes so infrequent are like plugging me into a battery charger. Its a fix. a small fix in the world. things tilt. do they for you too? how does it feel when i set you straight?. i miss you too. here's what i think about. what if someday we can break out. there is this magic spell that stops time and only you and i are able move. We meet somewhere and we open doors and we lay in bed. and i think if i could just see, just feel my dark skin on on your pale, on your snowy skin. I believe we can be each others fix. we connect. we dont have to say a word. just be still, just be close. just charge me full of your electric. press play. press play. she misses me.

There isnt an app for that. for you. this feeling. there isnt a place to plug in. and i know we should be happy where we are. and i am and when the rain doesn't fall or it isnt dark or im not half drunk, or that song isnt playing. im fine. when i dont think to much or start writing. i have this habit. i have this habit of repeating myself. i miss you too.the rain stops, time stands still.

 

Shark tooth necklace

Heavy showers most of the weekend. I was hoping for sun before the work week starts. Things have picked up there in the world of electrical supply. Ive been moved inside to the offices for most of the day , helping out with the counter when it gets busy or as needed. I don't mind writing up a few orders on the counter,the social interaction, listening to the customers , their stories. Selling. I have my own cubicle space inside, a direct phone line , a growing stack of vendor catalogs, business cards. I have a few contractor accounts already. Its different on the other side of things, before i was the one buying the supplies, now i sell them. And i have to say there is more fun and challenge in selling or getting materials people need then just ordering crap for a job you were the low bidder on , praying you stay in budget so maybe you might make some money. Screw that. Now they come to me for materials i know they need, all i have to do is give good service and decent prices and i get commission on top of that for just doing my job. Writing up orders. Getting myself fired from that other job was the best thing that could have ever happen.

The sun broke through in the Sunday afternoon. I drove to the beach bringing my dive mask, snorkel and fins. It had been so long since Ive been in the ocean i had almost forgotten how the salt feels on the skin, the briny smell , how it dries when you re in the sun and flakes off like table salt. It's peaceful swimming the surface looking into the shallows below. The colorful fish and coral reef , the pull of the tide, the gentle rock as you move forward kicking your feet as fins. I dive below to get a closer look , to become a part of the sea, my snorkel filling with water holding my breath. There is the silence where you can hear your heart beat. That you can look up from below while touching the sandy bottom, the sun surreal from this angle, fish swim by me curious to what i am and why i am here. Just to be somewhere else for a moment. heart beats and salt water. I make my up to the surface and clear the water from my snorkel.

the coconut and rum , sun tan oil and boiled shrimp. explorers and pirates made their way here to South Florida. Tomorrow ill be in a cubicle under fluorescent lights. But today the sun and the salt water drying on my lips.

 

I cut myself and push you out of my skin

We chased shadows and ghosts and we weren't always the kindliest of ones. Now we chase dreams hold to memories and we reach out  for summery reconnection. 
under the skin, under the sheets,
under the water.  What's another word for drowning?

Our past filled with smoke and hotel rooms. Private therapy. And a little twinge of pain when she drove off. because she was too close to what-might-have been.  That little frenzy of bad habit. If there's no pain and no loss, it's only recreational, and we can leave it to the wolves. People have to be valued.   

We exchange words few and far and in between our silences. I've found comfort in the knowing. in the heat of the summer night. just knowing. 

my wait is u

They moved me. i was working at the new job for a month and they moved me to the main branch which is 18 more miles of over 4 dollar a gallon gasoline and toll roads away. highway miles,  high speed day dreams. Though its further it takes the same amount of time because of the open road. No red lights. No school zones. I shift from lane to lane on cruise control. I tell myself i wont tap on the break no matter what. slower cars , an 18 wheeler.  whatever I play games in the early morning barely light and then on the way home at 4:30. Several pay checks in the bank, i like buying the sneakers and wine again. maybe i should have been putting it away. There isn't much going on at this branch, its in the middle of nowhere. slow slow slow..its all i here all day from the sales dept, the managers, the corporate emails. So why did they hire me a month ago when they didn't even need me. I can't figure anything out anymore. Its all just experience for the next BIG thing. So far Ive learned a new wholesale supply industry computer system, been certified driving a stand-up lift (order picker),  and actually made 100 dollars commission in the short time i was at the other store just doing my job. Selling electrical and data products. Guess, we all cant be as busy as an Apple store or Starbucks in the morning. Hopefully, something turns around soon in the construction market or I have a feeling Corporate will come down and make sweeping and radical changes. They always do.
I knew this job with its good pay, 401k , vacation, all those wonderful things Ive never had before was probably to good to be true.

Like the when you're with someone and you know its going to good and she's pretty and funny and fucks like a whore but she's yours , at least most of the time and then you re like-  this doesn't happen. this doesn't happen to me. this good shit. and then you think it and of course it becomes true. it's what you fucking wished for.
 
So i wish all good things. for me and you and everyone. someone to fuck you good, to pay you good and job you LOVE so much its not like work. It's like fun. its like fucking. it's like i always told her.
everything should be like

Fuck
ing    

when you noticed your ghost

It's so warm today it could be summer. She empties the drawers and lays out her dresses. Cotton soft, bright and clingy.  It could be oblivion. We ride our bikes when the sun starts to fall. The breeze through her hair and dress, breaks every bone in my body. It's warm, my bones heal, my blood is blue through my skin. Red outside where the air touches it, where the lies and sweat and wine flows.

New noises: baby cries, dogs barking, the high-pitched whistle of our dented tea kettle. Perfect in it's imperfection. The last few notes of a song you recommended. Am I the ghost you wanted me to be?

The heat sticks to the pavement like a summer dress to skin. Neon lights and palm tree sway. Tourists on spring-break pack hotels and emergency rooms with sunstroke. To many beers with lime and key west shrimp. Tits bouncing to the reggae beat. There are more clothes off than on. Tattoos telling the stories of each others lives. The salt water draws them in. The briny air and art deco moon. 

Open roads - Shooting stars: KELLY KNAGA (photographer) Interview

   

The road leads to nowhere. The road leads to everywhere. It's endless. It brings me to you. In the dream I have of the Midwest the sky is blood orange and hazy there are falling leaves and snow- white as a blank page. Everything is shot through a smoky lens and everything feels like home.  Back roads and power-lines, highways, road trips, rail road tracks. I want to live in the endless possibilities found in the photographs of Kelly Knaga.

Good Winter (GW): What do you love about photography?  
kelly knaga (kk):The small quiet moments.

GW: What do you remember about taking your very first photograph?  
kk: Sadly, I don't remember what that photo was but I distinctly remember finding my first Polaroid camera on my grandmother's dresser and some packs of film in her dresser drawer that hadn't been used in years. She gladly gave them to me.

GW: Tell us where you grew up and what you like most about where you live?
kk: Some of my most favorite times were spent on my grandparents farm. I loved helping my grandfather with the animals and working with my grandmother in her giant garden. But I also loved exploring and going on these small adventures alone or with my 3 brothers.

GW: What are some things that inspire you in and around your town?
kk:The never ending back roads. I like getting lost on them early in the morning just as the sun is coming up over the fields.

GW: What makes you crazy?  
kk:Lately? Photos of girls laying around in sweaters and panties. 

GW: Favorite books?
kk: Any book I can hold in my hand. My (other) grandfather was a librarian and an avid book collector and it rubbed off on me.



GW: Four favorite places?

 kk: I'm an outdoor girl so I have to say Nevada, California, Utah and New Orleans – they're each filled with history and adventure. And heat. I'm pretty big on warm climates

 
GW: What music are you currently running on your playlist?
kk: Tycho's latest is what I've been listening to recently. That as well as Mouth Dakota and Phish. I know, a weird combo of music perhaps. I think I'm really missing those lazy summer days and nights. But Wilco, Built to Spill, Bob Dylan are always close at hand.

GW: Who's photography do you admire most?
kk: I honestly don't think I have a most. There's so many photographers I admire for so many different reasons.

GW: Describe a good winter.
kk: A good winter is one spent in a warm climate.

GW: What cant you live without? 
kk: My friends and family. It may sound cliché but it is the truth.

 

GW: 4 things that you collect?  

kk: I've actually learned to stop collecting so much stuff. It's just too much...well, stuff. But I still spend quite a bit of cash on books, music and art. And I usually pick up rocks from every place I go to record a memory.

GW: What do you want to be when you grow up?  
kk: Exactly what I am now: A farmer-designer-photographer-teacher. But maybe a park ranger too.

GW: whats your secret?  
kk: That I know how to keep secrets : )

FIND MORE HERE:

Kelly Knaga 
a midwest girl's (Flickr)  

long days and her baby blues

I thought id write songs for you, start wars for you. I thought id kill the dime a dozen off and then we last forever. I started something and never finished and so you went and found diamonds and gold and baby powder. I'm up at night working out the details of this simple math. working out the word choices and project solutions. we still have penetrating line vibrations. x is y. why?
we still have soul.

First week of work down. There is dust on my boots and the hills and sands are behind me. Had to work a full day Sunday, I'm happy for the OT. I could use the money. Good wine isn't cheap. But where has my time gone? Where has my freedom went? No reading, no writing, no downloading comics. No mix tapes. 
Figures i start the week they plan to change the entire computer system out by the following Monday. I wasted a week floundering trying to learn the archaic system they were using and now we go live with a complete Ferrari of a system tomorrow. Ive had about an hour of training on it. I soaked up as much as i could Sunday. The computer manager they sent from Maryland to stay with us for the week while we adjust to the new system bought us lunch from a mom and pop sub shop down the street. It was then i first revealed to my co-workers i was vegetarian and would be ordering the eggplant sub. (which was amazing). They didnt seem to expect any different from me,  I am slightly bearded up and wearing glasses. My glasses only because i have a slight infection in my right eye due to my contacts. I got a prescription on Saturday for drops that cost me 50 bucks and that was with using my insurance scripts card. The drops are normally 120 dollars!!! its the smallest bottle of drops ive ever seen.
Its  85 degrees here tonight in South Florida. Things are heating up. This week should be interesting. 

When you call my name its like a little prayer

" Dear Christian:
  ........... the 'Company' is pleased to offer you the position .... at our Pompano Beach, US-Fl location "

I received the official offer of employment letter.  I accepted, filled out all the other paperwork online. I'm a drug screen test away now. I should be starting on Monday. A few more days of freedom.  

--

I've been paying more attention to universal signs, moving toward them instead of away. Ive never been one to believe things "just happen" without reason. But I have often been fearful to follow or try or move or do. , I'm learning when you open yourself up to things both big and small to the ordinary and the extraordinary, life can be more fun.

A week or so ago I was looking for work and I walked into a large music store. I thought it might be cool to work in a music store except for the fact I don't know much about many of the instruments or equipment they have. I own a drum kit - i know a little about that, I know a little about amps and other sound equipment and lighting. Anyway, there was a guy in there looking at guitar pedals and boards and all sorts of shit equipment for guitars that I've seen post-rock bands use. A piece of plywood on the floor with pedals and looping devices and reverb thingies bolted down on it. I asked him if he played any post-rock-instrumental music and he said he was in a band and they were heavily influenced by Explosions in the Sky, Grails, Mogwai, Sigur Ros, Moonlit sailor, and others. He asked if i played and i told him I have Garage Band and a Studio  app on my ipad and i have drums out in my garage. He invited me to check out his band , they were practicing later and gave me the address. I took this as one of those signs. Like what if  I actually get to play in some kind of post-rock band? or I manage them or something crazy. what if? right.

I Go. I drive to the address and pull up to a building, it's school rooms and a big ass Cross. It's a Calvary Chapel Church. It turns out his band is a Christian post-rock/indie band. They play at the church every Sunday service and get to use one of the class rooms to practice during the week. No wonder he was so friendly and nice. Ha. I was ready to peel out and head back home. But , what the hell, i was here- I'm doing this whole follow the signs thing and all....

Now, I'm not scared of church, religions, whatever. In fact they have always interested me. I mean my name is Christian... I went to a catholic school from 1st thru 5th grade. I was an altar boy. Ive been to many churches throughout my life of all denominations, even to a Buddhist retreat. (hot vegetarian chicks). I studied theology in college. I've always been interested in spirituality, religion, philosophy, science, and mysticism.

All i knew of Calvary was that i see tons of cars with bumper stickers with the Calvary logo stuck to them. I always thought is was a some kind of cult. But it turns out they are non-denominational, not overly bible thumpy or pushy. Most of all the band 3 guys and two girls do happen to be very good when they play instrumental post-rock. On Sundays they "sing" (yes they got me to go to a Sunday service) People raise up their hands like Ive seen on those Christian Rock commercials and everything. The lyrics to these songs..wow., well they remind me of Anime movies i watch where the subtitled translation of the song lyrics are really corny..like "Crimson stains fill the night and wash away by falling snow- lets fly higher and higher to the rainbows edge" actually i just made those up, the cheese factor is even higher. The Pastor(and this church has such a huge following that he isn't even at the location I was at, he does service at the BIG church in Ft.lauderdale and its beamed live and watched on a giant movie screen. I can see why they have a following, the guy is very entertaining, funny, not overly preachy. Kind of a guy who himself had problems with addiction and turned his life around. I can appreciate any good speaker/performer. It's why i love a great stand-up comedy routine. The set up, the punch-line and the recall. I enjoy speakers like His holiness the Dali Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, various scientists, philosophers, Pema Chodron, Joyce Meyer,  a few motivational speakers. 

If you re wondering what the moral is to this...i don't have one. just that I listened to and followed signs and that's how i was lead to that experience. It wasn't life changing, but I'm friends with a few cool musicians now. I learned Calvary wasn't quite a cult? (they seem tolerant to all races, sexuality and such) but i don't know enough to say for sure.

Speaking of signs..you can check out what I'm reading, listening to, and watching by looking at the sides of this blog. Maybe something is there for you? I'm reading an interesting book right now called Madame Blavatsky's Baboon (A history of the Mystics, Mediums, and Misfits Who Brought Spiritualism to America).   Keep your eyes and mind open. listen. let go. 

not just yet

what's the right thing to do. I usually go into deep meditation or pray or go punch the heavy bag out in the garage when searching for an answer. I should have been working today. I took a job, the money was good. but I was curious about the "other" job and already had a 2nd interview scheduled. It was one I went for first. I used contacts and friends to put in a good word when i saw there was an opening. I worked it hard, but I wasn't sure how much they were offering. I had to know. So, I showed up for 2nd interview and wouldn't you know the offer was just as good +.
Now i had two good offers. Different opportunities. Nothing wrong with either. One is a much closer drive and has benefits. Ive never had benefits at any job. never had vacation pay, a 401k.

I was sold and then went home and wrote a letter- something to the effect-  "after much consideration I have decided to take another job offer." so,,yeah i wont be showing up tomorrow like i said i would.
I get rejection letters for employment everyday. and here i am turning a decent paying job down?

I'm waiting for paperwork now. I got an informal offer yesterday and I informally agreed. Now it goes through HR and they send out a "formal" offer, i sign and the process begins. I was told it takes about a week. Meanwhile, Im still not working. Im waiting for this formal letter. what if it doesnt come? I turned down the sure thing job. I could be starting this shit all over again. Fuck. The other place was nice about my letter, wrote back for me to call them if it doesn't work out. And holy shit what if i have to?

I went for the best choice based upon the facts i was given. I assumed they were serious about formally offering me the job. I mean why have me come in for a 2nd interview and then go over how much they were offering ? maybe this is a classic case of me thinking to much. I should be enjoying my time off knowing i have a good job secured, its just corporate red-tape. and like always, like everything. the wait. 

there will be traffic and smoke. there will be pay. (edit)

- It's not hard to trace the doubt but never you'll find me in regret. the cost of living through a sea of words. salt water tending to these old wounds. I have never been on my own and always alone. I have never been on paths secured by guard rails. I have heard her voice. i have kissed her mouth. i have fell. i have tasted you. sweet eve, sweet victory, the sting of bee, the venom of snake, the tear of salt, the blood of your wine. if poison be the drink we serve best, let me drink from your cup. and if there be lies in the stories we tell, let there between the lines be always truth. -

11 days out of work. though I had some money saved and unemployment funds were deposited into my account. I went into survival mode. i went into force of habit. I filled out application after online application. and after no instant results i pushed harder. maybe the media is right, maybe there are no jobs? but i looked around and saw movement and flow and just didn't see it fitting the pattern. If you want something. you'll get it. it comes to you. always. I wanted everything and everything came- at once. 3 job offers. Two of them for more money than i had been making two weeks ago.

I figured maybe i could devise a way to work at home part-time (making a few bucks doing creative things) and have a part-time job. Besides being unfair to my wife(though she gets to help people and enjoys her job) but also curse me for wanting wine from a bottle and not out of box, for my love of buying things on a whim, like sneakers and expensive ingredients to prepare my favorite meals. So, I found a job that is in area of work Ive never done before, but uses many of the skills i have. It pays more than i was previously making and seems challenging enough. I will be able to add these new skills and experience to my arsenal. My thinking is in terms of 3 to 5 year plan. Obtain knowledge and skills i don't already have while working in something new, and either move forward or find something I enjoy even more using the combined experience. It just doesn't make sense to go backwards- to take less pay for something I'm not focused on really enjoying. This still follows my philosophy: Live, work, create. 

edit: I went to a 2nd interview with a company in my field (electrical), except it's the supply side, not the contractor side. (I'm sick of the contractor side) a Big name in the industry, benefits, paid vacation. opportunity for growth. They matched my other offer. It's closer to my home, i wont have to be behind a desk all day and i know people who have worked their for many many years. I think this will be a good thing.

A week, a month , a year ..my dear

Hard being still, I'd read a book and close a chapter if i could. things left unfinished. I'm sure you know how that is? I'm sure you have your loose ends sitting there over in the corner of your mind. never far away. never not just a phone call, a text an email away. but we think.....we think better of this.


I look for work, instead of driving to work. opportunities are opening up. A few job interviews scheduled for this week. there was one I had this morning.  He asked how i prioritize my day, "Important things first? A combination of deadline and difficulty. first things first. I am sometimes a controlled chaos, but I always get things done on time." i say things that you probably shouldn't say. I forget there are no right or wrong answers as long as you're not completely rational or honest. I can do almost anything. I believe if i worked hands-on with a heart surgeon. I could learn that. No books. no school. just operate. My skills apply to everything. I write about how i do things. and then I do things. I write and it comes and I do.

There is this thing I keep loosing sight of...you know,, the whole doing what you love thing. I get desperate to make money. I start passing up things i like over the salary i see listed. though i have no real interest in the job. just sitting at a desk for hours. looking at numbers. I have something more to contribute to the world. 

Its hard to let go. Its hard to let go and believe that if you open up, the universe brings you  what you want. i cant sit still long enough, listen long enough. I want to fuck and fight and do something other than listen and wait and be still.  but at least i have the silence of this room, the tapping of these keys....you
comfort me.

to one day strongly agree

 "What would you do if this were the last day of your life?"
she asks me this as i stare into the clear glass case, sports drinks and juice beverages chilled to the level, the first sip almost always burns. I ponder this strangers question.
We are here. now, together, that must mean something. maybe you know something i dont know?. maybe we follow patterns we cant control, we jump from wave length to length . we think about these things. because we simply think to much about things.
 I lost my job. i tell her. i tell her maybe i hated it so much the universe took me out. maybe i dreamed of better things, not money, just something. You have to lose everything. Start over. It hasn't been easy.  My habit is to work, to be somewhere, to chase money. do anything. work anywhere. my ego counts on this.
She says it doesn't matter. What if this was your last day..a meteor, a rocket, a star ship?. what if you wasted this day, this time. this now..thinking, worrying.
What are you selling? i ask her. Have you ever filled out those application for retail stores, grocery, big-box corporate chains? have you ever had to fill all that out and take that test? answer I strongly agree or disagree on all questions. I read that somewhere. they never want you to be in between, to be logical. to tell the truth. love everything. everyone. get along. and still .. i tell her...they won't ever call you.

I am a creature of habit and denial. I want something. I wanted change and i got it.
She smiles. you wasted it. you wasted it thinking. you think and that's all you do. If you aren't finding the answers maybe you are asking the wrong questions. The past is nothing but what was the future what isn't yet and you can't even know.
I watch her move to the counter to pay for her soft-drink, her candy bar.
"Don't think about this"  is all she says. the doors whoosh open automatically

\

The New Dawn ( New years in photographs)

Camped there. Ate that. Had that. Missed that.
see more. talk less. do more. talk less. live more. nothing less.
let go. let go. here i am. no more excuses.
no regrets.
no explanation
needed.