Where I Lay, I'll Lie

these honey
bunches of words
these scratch marks
down my back
this hit
and
miss
troubling
as
sting of bees

as we lie
as we
lay
on this bed
stars-
on the ceiling

we say these certain phrases
in the heat of
these
stolen moments
it goes down easy
on sweaty sheets
all dirty words and
after-glow

but, i wonder without
these kiss fits
and fist stings
i wonder without
the honey,
could we ?

without the brutal
fuck force
of
promises
we never meant to
keep

this
silence,
suddenly
violently
random

the downward spiral

what have i been doing? let's see. vizcaya , last weekend. amazing architecture and gardens. maybe i should get down to Miami more often, there is an awful lot to see and do there.

the frustration over writing - or should i say... my attempts to update - saying what i want to say - saying anything.
it's due to lap-top failure. a computer on it's last breath. literally held together by duct-tape and porno and prayers. it's sloooooooow, crashes or hangs up every 10 minutes. I often end up slamming the taped-up lid down and calling it horrible names. this lap-top has gotten me laid in the past, i can almost forgive it for anything, but I sense my relationship with it coming to a bitter end. I slam it shut and walk away. im done for the weekend. over it.

I have limited time at work to fuck around on the internet. I do. i find music and photos and look at sites. my work computer is lightning fast and that only causes further frustration when i come home, back to this. this.
yeah, im looking into a replacement. Im thinking of going Mac. either an egocentric Ipad? or the stylish notebook? something sleek and fun, fast and expensive.

but, distractions come along, ive been spending all my extra money on art and things for the house. mid-century modern furniture lately. I also like Spanish\Mediterranean revival. thrift-store finds for the most part and ive had a good run of late.


another thing taking over my life: this stupid little Roku box. It lets you access and stream netflix playable media on your TV. I have to admit i never streamed a movie or tv show on my computer. I just thought is seemed lame: small screen, a chair that hurts. I want to watch shows on my 60" Plasma, thats what i got it for. I rarely go OUT to movies anymore. why would I when i have a huge screen and surround sound (that took 3 years to pay off) at home? I love it. i love TV. I love movies and doc's and I love fucking Football and sports too,,,. and I really like this Roku. Im streaming tv series ive never seen, movies, all sorts of wonderful mind numbing stuff. It took about 5 minutes to hook-up and the quality is close to DVD.
want to see one of my latest thrift-store finds?

Well, yes the green chair too. But, focus in on the mid-century record cabinet. It's made by LANE, walnut and mahogany wood and best of all it holds 200 records!!

I didnt know what it was when i first went over to inspect it. I thought it was just a cabinet, I was intrigued by the look of the wood. I opened it and wow!!! finally somewhere to store all my records. I thought.
Im from the age of vinyl, in fact i still have my first Kiss album. I somehow managed to keep all my 80's music records too. The rest of my current collection was picked up at flea-markets, thrift stores and yard sales. dirt cheap, with no regard for any particular genre. I have classical, opera, frank sinatra, movie sound tracks, big band, hair bands, metal, Prince, 80s pop, Queen, Folk, electronic. Shit, I have Tom Waits to Air Supply.... and ive gone a very very long period of time with NOTHING to play them on. Picking up this cabinet gave me no more excuses, So that's new too. the portable record player is a cheap Crowsley I bought at Target. It's made to look retro. Let's face it .. Quality is for the rich. Design is for the rest of us. For the money it sounds decent. I had a piece of crap one while growing up, so to me, It sounds about the same as i remember. Anyway, if you come over we can play records.

I'm better than apple jacks

First and now :
the air is broke or maybe it isn't. it could be but maybe it's just so hot outside that it doesn't cool down enough. it's no hotel room we are staying in. maybe things don't work that way when it's 100 degree's in the shade. who used to say that? 100 in the shade. who'd say something like that let alone write it?. Things aren't working right.

My house and in it: has my girl and pets and t.v. sets, radios, a refrigerator and other things that break.

we all break.

2nd and then:

I remember I waited all summer for school to start. Fucking high-school and all the shit that goes with it. Girls with tits, for one. Girls with tits for another. But mostly I'd been thinking of this girl that i saw last year. I didn't have the stomach to even say hi to her in the hallway. She had cool new wave hair and I thought that made her somehow off limits to me. She was like Molly Ringwald and I was like farmer Ted. Except not as funny. I never fell into hilarious hi-jinx or built an obscenely beautiful woman in my basement either. No weird science projects, no writing about detentions after school. The coolest thing about me was that I had pair of checkered Vans like Spicoli in Fast Times. Speaking of which, Phoebe Cates......OMG.

The first day of school I am looking all over for her. By 5th hour the news had spread of a girl
who was killed over summer break in a car accident. Yes, you guessed it. Her. My new-wave girl. Even though i never knew her, the news it hit me hard. I mean I had fantasized about this pretend meeting and falling in love for over two months. I was devastated.

At home, I locked my bedroom door , put on a Cure record and laid on top of my bed staring at the ceiling fan spinning for what seemed like hours. I took out my note book and wrote about how shitty my life was. What girl would fall for someone as fucked up and ugly as me? and why was it that every time i have something good does it always get taken from me ??. never mind that I never had her to begin with. just.... you know what i mean.
Then I went and cut her picture out of my 8Th grade year book and taped it to my notebook. next to it I wrote down: Never Was. Should have Been. Will Be Again. Rest in Peace. On the 2nd day of school I wore black and every day after.

lastly: (back to present)
i cut the lawn and after I try to cool down by going inside the house. i don't think the air is working. maybe it is but it's so hot it takes all day to cool off. I'm afraid of the heat to hot and the cool to cold.
i like it somewhere in between here and there.
i sit by the pool and watch the automatic cleaner climb the steps and walls and back. over again.
It's strange that i know this.

That in between here and there is you.

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