a little hymnal about hearts and secrets

and what was it that she gave me?A Valentine card with some big lie written in it. here i went and made her my own card and folded the paper to razor straight edges, a certain amount of words written because if the count were uneven it would be bad luck. Fuck, I even included glitter. her problem was she couldn't see my art was the gift, the clever word placement a puzzle to my heart. in my mind she was the only one holding the pieces that fit. i was sad to find it laying on the black-top still unopened. Even as a kid i had a dirty little mouth, i remember mumbling the F and B and C words to myself the entire walk home from school. my little kid jaw clenched and hands balled in fists. I decided to hate everything Valentines from then on. I even hated the stupid way February was spelled. I put the hate on Valentines.

Until 10th grade.

It's not enough for a girl to be just cute, there is something in her i have to see, untapped potential and i know when i see it. this girl in my marine-biology class, she didn't know i existed until the 14th of February.
That's fairly typical for me. I seem come out of nowhere or she does.
"I really find you interesting."
and she's like "you're the boy who never talks and sits in back? next to the jellyfish chart right? I see you get up to sharpened your pencil a lot, is that like an OCD thing? it's, okay if it is, it's kind of cool actually ..... i mean that you re weird."
" No, I get up ONLY so i can walk by you, exclusively. I mean, some is OCD, i guess... that's why ummm 3 times and let me ask you Sarah, you haven't noticed me licking the electrical outlet near my desk, have you?.. no, oh good."

This time no glitter or pasted photographs or words i thought she may have to piece together. My Valentine was simple: " i really like your hair - oh, but I love your face " why waste words when all girls want are the 3 chords of knowledge. punk-rock.
Meaning, i learned to lie, play guitar and spit. I had been mistaken early in my childhood that everyone thought like me. still, I couldn't hold back sealing the envelope with a garbage pail kids sticker. Something really gross and bearing her name. how charming - Snotty Sarah. I held the card up to the light the purple colored note seeping through the delicate white envelope. if this doesn't spell all that L O V E shit, i don't know what does.
"Oh by the way, my name is Christian." i handed it to her and walked away.


Don't ask me why but there is always a horror movie playing during Valentines day weekend and that's where we went. She liked the sticker i used on the envelope and said my handwriting was ridiculous, but cute. I bought her a candy bar and a cherry Icee, I held her hand, i kissed her neck. I pretended i had done this all before. There was screaming, blood, murder and mayhem on the screen. The moving pictures reflecting red light across her face. her something shined. I can make this girl glow, I thought. I will play her the 3 chords on my guitar. Later, we crashed her car into a light pole. Her scream just before impact was slightly bliss. everyone was okay. Hey, Valentine, in the end we all are.