there will be traffic and smoke. there will be pay. (edit)

- It's not hard to trace the doubt but never you'll find me in regret. the cost of living through a sea of words. salt water tending to these old wounds. I have never been on my own and always alone. I have never been on paths secured by guard rails. I have heard her voice. i have kissed her mouth. i have fell. i have tasted you. sweet eve, sweet victory, the sting of bee, the venom of snake, the tear of salt, the blood of your wine. if poison be the drink we serve best, let me drink from your cup. and if there be lies in the stories we tell, let there between the lines be always truth. -

11 days out of work. though I had some money saved and unemployment funds were deposited into my account. I went into survival mode. i went into force of habit. I filled out application after online application. and after no instant results i pushed harder. maybe the media is right, maybe there are no jobs? but i looked around and saw movement and flow and just didn't see it fitting the pattern. If you want something. you'll get it. it comes to you. always. I wanted everything and everything came- at once. 3 job offers. Two of them for more money than i had been making two weeks ago.

I figured maybe i could devise a way to work at home part-time (making a few bucks doing creative things) and have a part-time job. Besides being unfair to my wife(though she gets to help people and enjoys her job) but also curse me for wanting wine from a bottle and not out of box, for my love of buying things on a whim, like sneakers and expensive ingredients to prepare my favorite meals. So, I found a job that is in area of work Ive never done before, but uses many of the skills i have. It pays more than i was previously making and seems challenging enough. I will be able to add these new skills and experience to my arsenal. My thinking is in terms of 3 to 5 year plan. Obtain knowledge and skills i don't already have while working in something new, and either move forward or find something I enjoy even more using the combined experience. It just doesn't make sense to go backwards- to take less pay for something I'm not focused on really enjoying. This still follows my philosophy: Live, work, create. 

edit: I went to a 2nd interview with a company in my field (electrical), except it's the supply side, not the contractor side. (I'm sick of the contractor side) a Big name in the industry, benefits, paid vacation. opportunity for growth. They matched my other offer. It's closer to my home, i wont have to be behind a desk all day and i know people who have worked their for many many years. I think this will be a good thing.

A week, a month , a year ..my dear

Hard being still, I'd read a book and close a chapter if i could. things left unfinished. I'm sure you know how that is? I'm sure you have your loose ends sitting there over in the corner of your mind. never far away. never not just a phone call, a text an email away. but we think.....we think better of this.


I look for work, instead of driving to work. opportunities are opening up. A few job interviews scheduled for this week. there was one I had this morning.  He asked how i prioritize my day, "Important things first? A combination of deadline and difficulty. first things first. I am sometimes a controlled chaos, but I always get things done on time." i say things that you probably shouldn't say. I forget there are no right or wrong answers as long as you're not completely rational or honest. I can do almost anything. I believe if i worked hands-on with a heart surgeon. I could learn that. No books. no school. just operate. My skills apply to everything. I write about how i do things. and then I do things. I write and it comes and I do.

There is this thing I keep loosing sight of...you know,, the whole doing what you love thing. I get desperate to make money. I start passing up things i like over the salary i see listed. though i have no real interest in the job. just sitting at a desk for hours. looking at numbers. I have something more to contribute to the world. 

Its hard to let go. Its hard to let go and believe that if you open up, the universe brings you  what you want. i cant sit still long enough, listen long enough. I want to fuck and fight and do something other than listen and wait and be still.  but at least i have the silence of this room, the tapping of these keys....you
comfort me.

to one day strongly agree

 "What would you do if this were the last day of your life?"
she asks me this as i stare into the clear glass case, sports drinks and juice beverages chilled to the level, the first sip almost always burns. I ponder this strangers question.
We are here. now, together, that must mean something. maybe you know something i dont know?. maybe we follow patterns we cant control, we jump from wave length to length . we think about these things. because we simply think to much about things.
 I lost my job. i tell her. i tell her maybe i hated it so much the universe took me out. maybe i dreamed of better things, not money, just something. You have to lose everything. Start over. It hasn't been easy.  My habit is to work, to be somewhere, to chase money. do anything. work anywhere. my ego counts on this.
She says it doesn't matter. What if this was your last day..a meteor, a rocket, a star ship?. what if you wasted this day, this time. this now..thinking, worrying.
What are you selling? i ask her. Have you ever filled out those application for retail stores, grocery, big-box corporate chains? have you ever had to fill all that out and take that test? answer I strongly agree or disagree on all questions. I read that somewhere. they never want you to be in between, to be logical. to tell the truth. love everything. everyone. get along. and still .. i tell her...they won't ever call you.

I am a creature of habit and denial. I want something. I wanted change and i got it.
She smiles. you wasted it. you wasted it thinking. you think and that's all you do. If you aren't finding the answers maybe you are asking the wrong questions. The past is nothing but what was the future what isn't yet and you can't even know.
I watch her move to the counter to pay for her soft-drink, her candy bar.
"Don't think about this"  is all she says. the doors whoosh open automatically

\

The New Dawn ( New years in photographs)

Camped there. Ate that. Had that. Missed that.
see more. talk less. do more. talk less. live more. nothing less.
let go. let go. here i am. no more excuses.
no regrets.
no explanation
needed.