Wednesday, October 15, 2008
kissing bruises setting bones
It's been just short of a year. I developed the theory she wasn't really dead at all. Some nights i get shivers that run up my spine. I sit up in bed eyes still closed, fingertips to my temples. I pronounce in clairvoyant fashion:
she is watching a movie right now but she isn't paying attention- wait- she seems to be anxiously awaiting a text on her cell phone. there is a glow from under her seat. she is fumbling around in her bag. then the picture in my head goes fuzzy.
maybe i should call her. I still have the number programmed in my phone. Is it something i should delete because she's gone? I just creep myself out hoping i see it flash one day. the fact is: I've always had an open invitation to ghosts and I half expected a haunting already.
I press the call button but quickly cancel.
I want to go back to where she's buried just to check. but, what if she sees me? I'd hate for her to think i miss her this much. And the reality is I'd seen her dead. Her face beautiful and pale. Her hands balled into tight fists. As if to say "I'm done with you here, but where ever i end up, I'm ready to punch you till you pee blood"
this is a big risk but I think we were meant for each other. I pack a shovel and flash lite. so what if she finds out I've been missing her. isn't that what she would have wanted? some tears, a few heart- felt mentions in my blog? Of course.
At this point, who is she to think I'm being creepy. I'm not the one with 4" long fingernails and a plasma deficiency.
In the living world she told me not to wait for her. I didn't but i did. like it or not that's what living is. a lot of time spent waiting.
It's different than last time. We'd joke about faking her death so she could run off with me to parts unknown. Now, I'm waiting for her to make me a zombie too. I wonder will it be a bite? a scratch? will it hurt anymore or any less....like before?
it's not going to be the same kind of car crash. I promise you. this girl said she'd be awesome but i never thought this awesome. never thought a silent film. never imagined she'd be my favorite kind of monster movie, a sound track on vinyl. baby, you make me so alive that you can never be dead. i know where your heart is. dig through the dirt. reach for my hand.