Sailor Mouth Blue Bird Heart : compliments make me lie to you

for instance, once I blurred the line between reality and dreaming. perhaps even between right and wrong , good and evil. I have these urges. we all do. my lucid dreaming becomes lucid thinking, then I wonder if it's a dream at all. when i wake up, if I wake up. will this be real? I ask myself, can I do this?. except I don't ask. I just do it.

how rare was it when her kiss could get me as drunk as wine. how rare was it that i could say or do whatever i wished to do to you. to her. and she took it. she liked it. she'd come to me for more. she wore scars like badges.
and the marks and bruises.
her boyfriend didn't notice.
but I was her boyfriend. i was supposed
to be.

sometimes my chemicals will mix with the right person and I don't act as i normally would. I don't stop when I am supposed to. when I should. when you think I won't- I will. when you should be careful what you wish for.
I do. i take more chances. not less. I don't feel safe or in control. I cut the ropes. I am not afraid to admit it. I fall, without nets. without protection. I won't use it. just me and my god. me and my luck.

i know instantly the pretty face, the smile, her curves, tits, hair, voice, hands, mouth. I know who can just fuck me right up. I know her. And I know she likes the things i say too. the dirty things.
If it would be rough. If it would be real or pretend and if it didn't matter. you know me. you should. this is real. I am you.
or I love you. I'm not sure which.

when it happen I was taking a course at the local community college. It's at night and we are only into the first week. After class we make the walk to our cars. under moonlight. under the glow of metal halide lamps. dull beaming light on the parking lot. She shouldn't have taken her time like she did. but I knew she wanted me to catch up. I knew she was waiting for me. And it's odd - these times like this. the times when you just aren't quite sure. because its late and you're tired. and you get under the dark sky and fucking moon is watching you and you stare back and feel small. you feel like time is slipping away.

she waited for me. her back against a creamy egg shell painted wall. against the building just before you are under the moon. just before you reach the grass, then black-top, then parked cars. My parked car, and hers. but you can see the sky and the moon from here, and the lights shining down on shale rock asphalt.

I stared at the chips of paint peeling from the wall, the color underneath. I tried to see through her. A stranger. We had never spoke. Just eyes. Just chemicals. Just me watching her in class, her watching me. I walked over, put down my back-pack, pressed her against the wall and kissed her. she let me.
and this was one of those moments when I didn't think is she married? is this a dream? because if it's not you can't do this. Will she scream?, will she kick me?, will she try to run?.

her arms were around my neck, her legs spread slightly apart.
she kissed me back. her tongue, and her lips, and her mouth.
I don't know how long we stayed like that. but i tried not to breathe. tried not to come up for air. Her eyes were closed. I wondered if she thought- had she opened them, would she wake up. find herself at home, alone in her bed or next to him. 3 a.m.
would she wonder how i got there. in her dream. how i became her ghost.

but now, caught in the moment. caught in the half light between moving pictures, and sounds.
I heard nothing. between our bodies and the heat. my heart racing. she felt it. in my chest. something real. and It stopped.
It just stopped.