marked you like a scar

every blank page becomes some kind of story. Even if they're all lies or just moments pulled from imaginary times or even real people mixed up together. Every blank page, i do this. Not that i like words or poetry. I don't. Although, I'll probably pour over these very words over and over admiring my own voice. Wondering, Have i not said this all before?


It's just soothing. It feels right. I feel right with you.
Like mowing the lawn in perfect rows underneath the summer sun. Something about it makes me calm. you calm me.

I'm sorry but I can't stand to read her blogs any longer or his or yours or mine. And when i see stanza lines of poetry they make me shutter instantly.
I mean
What is this?
writing a few words and then.....
down to the next!
stupid
stutter

the next pretty word
pretty boy
pretty girl
pretty lies
maybe if it's written this way
you'll read it this way
and then understand
how I see it in my head

one breath at a time
one kiss
one orgasm
one hold her in my arms under a
dirty moon glow

it doesn't matter how bad we are together
it's still calming
the words feel like touch
and i will
if you let
me

photo credits: 1.heliumglow 2.pearlandopal 3.mladyieva 4.TrishMoreira

high wire hypotenuse

love of the heart
over lust of the
flesh


i woke up and felt brand new.
when it was that I knew i finally grew up. when i knew i healed.
it was when
i was happy for her. honestly
and truly.
beaming. glowing. safely. calmly. sighing.
fucking happy.
it's when
I knew
I must have also
loved her.

Glitter and Doom

Willy Wonka: Don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
Charlie Bucket: What happened?
Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.

At a major electronics\dept store late night to pick up a few things - went to the cd and gaming section and was fussing around with a controller hanging off some video game they had on display. ( I don't own a system and havent since Atari 2600) I thought the place was dead empty but a girl came over and started asking me about my ink and then if I have played such and such game. No. I said this thing just sorta caught my eye when i walked by and I couldnt kick my hands of it. I admitted that I didn't even have a system and don't really like playing video games. She looked at me strangely and told me she was a nerd or geek or something. gaming was fun and i should get into it. then we got into a discussion about the word "nerd" and "geek". words and meanings being far more interesting to me. I told her how I saw it was that "geek" implies hireabilty, it implies wealth, and that "nerd" skills aren't 100 percent sellable. She told me i was seemed very smart , a "very wise man" - making me feel more like her dad, which I think was not far off from being possible.

I speak and act in a totally unrestricted manner to animals. I tell them that I love them and touch and pet and hold. They make me feel all warm and cuddly. sometimes I wish I could be the same way with humans. It probably has something to do with fear of rejection. control. whatever. but i don't know. those cute little furry faces. How can anyone resist?

I couldn't keep my hands off you, you made me feel warm. I even told her that I loved her. silly me. silly silly me.

bottom photo: circle--of--fire

tell me when the snow falls

dear snow,

why aren't you falling for me yet? are the skies to bright and the moon to low?
rhyming is a disaster better left to the obtuse observer. someone who chooses mother goose over let's say....bukowski? shit. I have to be honest and don't tell this to mc who-ever flav or over dramatic poetry-slam guy but, I dislike so-called poetry. non-bukowski poetry.

did i ever tell you i found buk through reading early rollins, through reading comic books, through reading backs of cereal boxes?. that's how i discovered fante too. salinger was because of a teacher at school.
big authors, who came from big schools, never did impress me. girls with big tits on myspace, girls who scheme. it's to generic. it's to predictable. mathematics impresses me but, I dislike most forms of prose. this is probably why i am not very good at either.

do you wonder why no capitals in my letter. well, the shift key seems to be faulty. OH THERE it goes AND...... back again. isn't that something. question: are you still wearing your socks up to your knees.

and about what we were talking about earlier. don't feel bad.
big change almost never happens. people simply feel lost. they become messes and tend
to remain messes.
I am not saying that is us, but if the shoe fits.
god do I love shoes. she used to say i was like a girl. collecting converse sneakers and vans and slip-ons with tattoo print.

did you ever finish watching the freaks and geeks dvd i lent you?. how bout the wong kar wai collection. ever read any of the books i recommended?. ever pay attention to anything i ever said or did. word for word, heart to heart.
have you been. if you were, you'd see i've been using question marks and those are made using the shift key ??????. so there.

whatever i left over there, just keep. the books and records, the kings of leon t-shirt. consider it a gift. consider everything we learned a gift. from our pretend game, the game called..life. called love, called hauntingly beautiful.

snow, will you ever come
will this ever be done?
was it ever any fun?
to pre-
tend
to lion
den
just get out your pen
and write it

again

I really do love you. goodbye.