I can't go to far away - from my heart

It rained. it's raining. right now. god said rain. she said rain. so. rain.
raining now, that's what I mean. Sometimes I don't see or write things in the moment and sometimes that's all i do. because it's all you can do. It's all you can hold on to. you can fall. you can say all the right things, or wrong things. right or wrong. she isn't going to be sleeping next to you
forever.
gone. see it's gone. the moment.
I forgot to blink the picture into my mind.
what was it that she looked like, tasted like, and who does she remind me of.
just like that,

water cascades down my window. glass blurry, water-stains, and dark sky.
I am ready to leave. bag packed. all i need :
the keys, blanket, tooth-brush, glasses, the note-book. the thing is, it's not what you take, it's what you leave behind.

I told you it would. I'm talking about the rain part. It had been to long and things were dry, fires were starting up. pyro, i suspect. a flame doesn't start itself. everyone seems to have a grudge these days. it could be the high prices of oil, or disney- world tickets. it could be nothing. or it could be what i told you was true.
smoke-
I could see her signals. I could see that sometimes they were for me. don't think I don't see them. the shallow breathing, the staring at the ceiling in the dark. It could smell like me. but it doesn't. feel like me, and it will never.
did she miss me? did she miss me
a lot today.
don't think this is what it isn't.
or is.
or I'm not really sure at the moment. because you know how i am with moments.

the trouble i have sleeping, the tornado dream. I know what it means. I know what it means to
go there. I know.
if you get lost-
do I ask the scarecrow for directions? the witch?
are you the witch?

she tells me..." there is no place like it". I say "where?" then i understand.

friday's are all about driving. driving home, driving to bars, driving at night, driving to see her, driving away.
we all have somewhere to go.
extraordinary together- ordinary apart. i think I heard that on t.v.
something that keeps repeating. like that song. like the tornado. chasing me. chasing you. chasing words, chasing rain. the pavement, the night, the head-lights, the windshield wipers. your moment in this silent storm.

The Last Days of the Suicide Kid - Bukowski reads.

tell me when the snow falls

dear snow,

why aren't you falling for me yet? are the skies to bright and the moon to low?
rhyming is a disaster better left to the obtuse observer. someone who chooses mother goose over let's say....bukowski? shit. I have to be honest and don't tell this to mc who-ever flav or over dramatic poetry-slam guy but, I dislike so-called poetry. non-bukowski poetry.

did i ever tell you i found buk through reading early rollins, through reading comic books, through reading backs of cereal boxes?. that's how i discovered fante too. salinger was because of a teacher at school.
big authors, who came from big schools, never did impress me. girls with big tits on myspace, girls who scheme. it's to generic. it's to predictable. mathematics impresses me but, I dislike most forms of prose. this is probably why i am not very good at either.

do you wonder why no capitals in my letter. well, the shift key seems to be faulty. OH THERE it goes AND...... back again. isn't that something. question: are you still wearing your socks up to your knees.

and about what we were talking about earlier. don't feel bad.
big change almost never happens. people simply feel lost. they become messes and tend
to remain messes.
I am not saying that is us, but if the shoe fits.
god do I love shoes. she used to say i was like a girl. collecting converse sneakers and vans and slip-ons with tattoo print.

did you ever finish watching the freaks and geeks dvd i lent you?. how bout the wong kar wai collection. ever read any of the books i recommended?. ever pay attention to anything i ever said or did. word for word, heart to heart.
have you been. if you were, you'd see i've been using question marks and those are made using the shift key ??????. so there.

whatever i left over there, just keep. the books and records, the kings of leon t-shirt. consider it a gift. consider everything we learned a gift. from our pretend game, the game called..life. called love, called hauntingly beautiful.

snow, will you ever come
will this ever be done?
was it ever any fun?
to pre-
tend
to lion
den
just get out your pen
and write it

again

I really do love you. goodbye.