Darlin' you'll be the ruin of me

my paper heart:

I carried a legal-pad in my backpack, striking yellow paper. It was the sun and star to beautiful to pervert with words. My spastic cursive turning beauty to chaos. I hated my language for ruining the silence of such delicate pages. The right words elusive or never enough. It's as simple as a drawn heart.

I scribbled my signature over and over in the margins.
In the middle of the page her name. mine. They looked good next to each other.
I started a letter:
Dear you,
will you ever notice me?

Wisdom teeth:

there was a girl in class who never spoke. she was pretty and shy and her hair was golden curls. You could tell she didn't like people much. I think she was scared. I think i fell for her mystery. I think she became and instant muse for me. She could talk I'm sure of it, she just never did.
the teacher called on her and she would open her mouth but nothing came out. An uncomfortable silence. In the seat directly behind her, I would hold my breath. Minutes seemed like hours seemed like days, and the teacher waited.
" Okay, maybe tomorrow?"
finally I would breathe.

Our favorite record skips:

Do you carry around ghosts? I wonder are you anything like me. Do your wisdom teeth hurt? What is the sweetest thing you've ever tasted? I carry around ghosts, I talk to them. If i could get you to say something. If i could hear your voice. Is it husky like girls who work in offices or on t.v.? Is it soft and slight like a bee? Here is my phone number. show me where you keep your honey. Don't be afraid to call or I could call you if it's easier. You don't have to write me back. Not words anyway, just numbers. I'll trade you poetry for math.
Are you good at math? count up the letters in our first names, subtract 2 and add one. If it's an even number then we were meant to be lovers, if it's odd, lovers then enemies. do you like to have your fate decided?

Fly:

Dear you,
I saw you take one of my birds home. Did you look inside? Did it make you think of me? I am the boy who sits behind you. I am silent too. Will you keep it in your room? did you know it was all for you? the birds, the notes, were all for you. this is for you.
"okay, maybe tomorrow?
let me breathe.

I folded notes into yellow paper cranes. It's something I do with letters never sent. feelings kept inside with sharp edges folded and tucked. write, fold, fly.
I left them in all my classes, everyday, on desks, in the lunch room, on the bus, I hung them in trees. hundreds maybe thousands set free. questions with no answers. my paper heart has wings. I am the boy who sits behind you. I want us to unfold. read me. ruin me for all others.

photo:
yyellowbird

spiced cake and pumpkin guts

Dinner and a movie:

the wine will be like blood tonight.
For dinner: pasta and a homemade spicy Sicilian sauce, vegetarian meatballs.
she'd tell you I'm a decent cook, with my best being food on the grill. I can do pastas too, and not just because of an Italian last name. or maybe.

and I've tasted some of the best wines in the valley. I've kissed lips, touched skin, shared laughs with the finest of women. that's not bragging it's just to show you how very lucky I am. brown eyes, green eyes, blue.
I want you to know this because i know this. she went and shared parts of herself with me and i probably can't forget it, i probably will never escape it. You become one of the ghosts i talk too, that i write about, and I'm going to miss you as much as you do me.

Ive watched blood flowing from her vein as if some kind of test.
i am constantly passing and failing her. my
resistance so often being futile. i pull my car over to the side of a highway and think about you on top of me. there is a pumpkin patch just over the hill. there are no tears , only leaves, bright orange and falling. October. month of my birth. month of witches.

she is better cooking breakfast than dinner. That's why i asked her to stay the night so often.
she sleeps to my right, soundly with soft shallow breaths. she'll let you touch her in the night. your chest to her back. her shoulders get cold. she likes the blankets pulled up. but, who doesn't and isn't this exactly you too?

it's not all magic. the movies, music, books and our little inside jokes. not even the scents or saying "baby" or adding "bear" to the end of your name. it's not so you remember me. time is both beautiful and cruel that way. you won't. I know that too.

this isn't a trick
this is what people do to win your heart. to steal your soul. to keep you. ruin you.
letters in the middle of October become secrets and wishes and candy. Tell me. What is sweeter than that?

underneath it all

"The greatest gains and values are the farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are, the highest of reality.......

The true harvest of my daily life if somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little stardust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched."
- Henry David Thoreau

In the letter I send, we are friends. I use your name. I am polite. I ask nicely. I don't talk about myself to long and not to much about you. Not to much about what, or if, or why. But hi. but hey, but don't our games seem silly now. Monday-Wednesday-Friday. meaning what? What days were mine or yours. Silly. Sweaty. Even kind of a sickness.

In the letter we are friends. I am your fan. You are mine. You don't hate me. I am happy for you and I say it with a smile. I use my funny words. I say things you don't mind. I do it because you ask me.

In the letter we are friends because I didn't think you would. If I asked. If i wanted. Would you? I ask but only in a way so you'd know. not him. not them. not her. not anyone.

And you and I to be really in the same place at the same time. Alone. It wouldn't be any less dangerous. you and I underneath the same sun or moon and stars. Together. I'd want to touch you. To tell you lies and hear them back. To know you, like you are now. Not then. In all this time. and It took so long. I've learned. That in a letter. this. In that distance. Safe between the bars. I can give you happiness and love. Even if that love is not me.

Watched the documentary The Devil and Daniel Johnston. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436231/. See it if you haven't. His music has been covered by Beck, Bright Eyes, ..many others. I had heard of the cd covering his music and downloaded many of the songs here and there over the last two years. Didn't know much about the guy. Saw the dvd at the library and gave it a shot. I'm leery to go out and rent or use netflix q on documentaries. I think someone even wrote to tell me I might enjoy this once. I'm sorry if you did and I didn't listen. I'm tired of love letters and hip bones. post- it notes all over my walls and in my bed. reminding me of my faults and obsessions. I already know how to hold you down. I already know how to let you go. I already know neon paper and black permanent marker look best. Don't wash off. Don't wash off after I come. Don't wipe off my kiss. Don't anything. I want you just how I remember.

You make my teeth hurt

You made crusty bread rolls...

You made crusty bread rolls filled with chunks of brie

And minced garlic and drizzled with olive oil

And baked them until the brie was bubbly

And we ate them thoughtfully, our legs coiled

Together under the table. And then salmon with dill

And lemon and whole-wheat couscous

Baked with garlic and fresh ginger, and a hill

Of green beans and carrots roasted with honey and tofu.

it was beautiful, the candles and linens and silver,

The winter sun setting on our snowy street,

Me with my hand on your leg, you, my lover,

In your jeans and green T-shirt and beautiful feet.

How simple life is. We buy a fish. We are fed.

We sit close to each other, we talk and then we go to bed

by Gary Johnson

Charm City: My Boo-berry Night
Part 7

Dear
Rachael Ray -
I know you are busy and find it difficult due to your schedule to answer my emails (200 and counting.) First off, I know everyone says this but REALLY, I am a normal guy who has admired you since your first appearance on Food Network. I predicted you'd be a mega super-star and I think you have accomplished that and so much more.

Side note: You love dogs and I love dogs. I also enjoyed the Japanese style blouse you were wearing the other night on 30 minute meals. It had the cherry blossoms on it. I have cherry-blossoms artwork incorporated in my tattoo sleeve piece. I could send you pictures if you like or you can check out my MYSPACE page. (FussnfightnCakn). There is also what could be considered a small "shrine" to you on there, don't be scared. I have them set-up throughout the net for all my girl-friends, and ex's. NOT that you are either, but I start them for others I admire as well. Including ... Bukowski, Rollins, Boy George, Evel Knievel, the guy who wrote Calvin & Hobbes, some soccer and football players, Bobby Flay..haha. (just kidding). ummm Anthony Bourdain. (Even though I know he called you EVIL in a recent interview. I quote: “She's got a magazine, a TV empire, all these best-selling books — I'm guessing she's not hurting for money,”"She's hugely influential, particularly with children. And she's endorsing Dunkin’ Donuts. It's like endorsing crack for kids.”'I do not agree with him on this front. I mean he would pimp himself out for ACTUAL Crack if someone paid him enough. (not to mention try it first) Who is he kidding? Ha.

Anyway, You get the idea, I am inspired by many. No one as cute as you, I must say. I am just smitten every time you smile or say "EVOO", "Sammy", "kids in the bath", "How good is that?", "Yummo" or mention your dog "Isaboo". Rach, I know how much you miss your original BOO dog and I am sorry. I recently lost my best-friend as well. Dallas, he was a Labrador Retriever and I think about him every single day. I was so happy to hear you adopted "Isaboo" and how much she reminds you of Boo. Also interesting Isabella is my favorite name for a baby-girl too!!. That you named your dog Isaboo because of that, is unbelievable. I know you won't believe this but since I don't have children and didn't foresee any in the near future I thought of Isaboo as a name for a doggie too. Is that ridiculous or what?

I saw you on the covers of not less than 4 magazines while waiting in line at Whole Foods. You were also on a Trisket crackers box, and I passed a Dunkin Donuts on the way home which displayed your latest ad and catch phrase. I recently caught another anti-Rach article where a source quoted you as saying on set " Get me real coffee, not that Dunkin Doughnut stuff, it's shit" and then you demanded Starbucks? You sent your intern out for Starbucks? Ha. I find that funny even if it's true. A few Diva antics don't bother me at all Rachael.(We all need our coffee) I mean Starbucks does have much more of a selection, better music and cooler logo. So what, you can afford the extra 3 or 4 bucks per. That's why you have the 5 shows, commercials, book-tours and give up enormous amounts of your time. Sacrifice. Dedication. You deserve whatever coffee you want. They pay you to do the commercial not drink or eat the stuff 24-7. What don't people understand about that?? People are so quick to judge others integrity. Pure and simple jealousy. Show Business. I guess people don't understand the second part.
I don't believe the tabloids either. Your husband would be crazy to cheat on you. By the way, I am also Sicilian\Italian. I write short-stories, blogs, music, own a business, and love any product that will pay me to endorse it. We have so much in common!!!. I know you are cooler than your TV persona I heard the bands you listen to and books you read and you are really an indie low-brow girl at heart. Hey, money, mansions, diamond rings can change a girl. But not at heart. Not in the center. Stay in the center Rachael.
Your friend,
X

This is a repost from my livejournal Fightcake http://fightcake.livejournal.com/. Some posts are friends only. So become one. It's a journal about a blog thats about a book, related to food, cupcakes, cakes, and candy. In other words- Yummy shit. You'll figure it out. You're smart.

tell me when the snow falls

dear snow,

why aren't you falling for me yet? are the skies to bright and the moon to low?
rhyming is a disaster better left to the obtuse observer. someone who chooses mother goose over let's say....bukowski? shit. I have to be honest and don't tell this to mc who-ever flav or over dramatic poetry-slam guy but, I dislike so-called poetry. non-bukowski poetry.

did i ever tell you i found buk through reading early rollins, through reading comic books, through reading backs of cereal boxes?. that's how i discovered fante too. salinger was because of a teacher at school.
big authors, who came from big schools, never did impress me. girls with big tits on myspace, girls who scheme. it's to generic. it's to predictable. mathematics impresses me but, I dislike most forms of prose. this is probably why i am not very good at either.

do you wonder why no capitals in my letter. well, the shift key seems to be faulty. OH THERE it goes AND...... back again. isn't that something. question: are you still wearing your socks up to your knees.

and about what we were talking about earlier. don't feel bad.
big change almost never happens. people simply feel lost. they become messes and tend
to remain messes.
I am not saying that is us, but if the shoe fits.
god do I love shoes. she used to say i was like a girl. collecting converse sneakers and vans and slip-ons with tattoo print.

did you ever finish watching the freaks and geeks dvd i lent you?. how bout the wong kar wai collection. ever read any of the books i recommended?. ever pay attention to anything i ever said or did. word for word, heart to heart.
have you been. if you were, you'd see i've been using question marks and those are made using the shift key ??????. so there.

whatever i left over there, just keep. the books and records, the kings of leon t-shirt. consider it a gift. consider everything we learned a gift. from our pretend game, the game called..life. called love, called hauntingly beautiful.

snow, will you ever come
will this ever be done?
was it ever any fun?
to pre-
tend
to lion
den
just get out your pen
and write it

again

I really do love you. goodbye.