blue-berry pancakes

Watching Young Couples with an Old Girlfriend On Sunday Morning

-August Kleinzahler

How mild these young men seem to me now

with their baggy shorts and clouds of musk, as if younger brothers of the

women they escort in tight black leather, bangs and tattoos, cute little

toughies, so Louise Brooks annealed

in MTV, headed off for huevos rancheros

and the Sunday Times at some chic, crowded dive.

I don't recall it at all this way, do you ?

How sweetly complected and confident they look, their faces

unclouded by the rages

and abandoned, tearful couplings of the night before, the drunkenness, beast savor and

remorse. Or do I recoil from their youthfulness and health ? Oh, not recoil, just fail to see ourselves. And yet, this tenderness between us that remains
was mortared first with something dark, something feral, we still refuse,

we still refuse to name.

Glitter and Doom

Willy Wonka: Don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
Charlie Bucket: What happened?
Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.

At a major electronics\dept store late night to pick up a few things - went to the cd and gaming section and was fussing around with a controller hanging off some video game they had on display. ( I don't own a system and havent since Atari 2600) I thought the place was dead empty but a girl came over and started asking me about my ink and then if I have played such and such game. No. I said this thing just sorta caught my eye when i walked by and I couldnt kick my hands of it. I admitted that I didn't even have a system and don't really like playing video games. She looked at me strangely and told me she was a nerd or geek or something. gaming was fun and i should get into it. then we got into a discussion about the word "nerd" and "geek". words and meanings being far more interesting to me. I told her how I saw it was that "geek" implies hireabilty, it implies wealth, and that "nerd" skills aren't 100 percent sellable. She told me i was seemed very smart , a "very wise man" - making me feel more like her dad, which I think was not far off from being possible.

I speak and act in a totally unrestricted manner to animals. I tell them that I love them and touch and pet and hold. They make me feel all warm and cuddly. sometimes I wish I could be the same way with humans. It probably has something to do with fear of rejection. control. whatever. but i don't know. those cute little furry faces. How can anyone resist?

I couldn't keep my hands off you, you made me feel warm. I even told her that I loved her. silly me. silly silly me.

bottom photo: circle--of--fire

filler nicely

tabitha smoked in bed. I didn't believe her anymore than the last time she said it but as she lit up she said. "This is going to be my last."
I never called her by her full name. tabitha to me, was the girl I had known from 1st thru 6th grade in catholic school.
to me it was always tabbie and she smoked in bed or at least she did, after tonight who knows.
I noticed a pregnancy test laying on top of her dresser but she dismissed any suspicion that it was hers.
Our friend Becca was the one who was supposedly late and then tabbie, she jokingly asks if it's was mine. "cool if it were." she said. Shed be okay with it, we could all live together and give the baby a funky name like something out of a Francesca Block book. I said maybe Katee Rose or Poppy but nothing like Weetzie bat or something crazy.

I figured she was lying about it being for becca and if it were tabbie's then it was possible it could be mine. It could be a handful of other guys' too. it's bad to say that, but really, 2 others, that I knew of.
" I know what you're thinking Christopher Robbins " She called me that after Winnie-the-poohs friend.
" I am ALWAYS safe" stressing the word always so that the s sounded like z's
She is saying this knowing full well, we had NEVER used anything. But before I could say it she says " Except with you"
" I'm the lucky one " I say.
She doesn't bother answering, she snuffs out her cigarette, stares at the ceiling, then closes her eyes.
" Question: then why are you quitting smoking?"
" Cancer stupid, now tell me a story"
Im think of something to say, I look at her and she is calm, her head against a black pillow-case. She's on the pill isn’t she?
I think about what it would be like for her to have my baby inside her. I kind of want the test to be for her, I wanted something that dramatic for us, some kind of experience we would never r forget. something ours. I remind myself she is on the pill, but what if she missed one, I mean she isn't the most responsible person. But look who's talking I fucked her and used nothing. I’m going to have to trust her, a silent prayer in the dark and feel a little relieved.
I begin to tell her a story about a a princess in space. She sighs approvingly. Her eyes closed she looks to be peaceful, almost- glowing. I reach out brushing her tummy lightly and she giggles. I glance at the test on the dresser beside her. It's mocking me. I need to know the answers and she won't tell me. Or she did and I just wasn't listening.

Poison in a pretty glass

Late 70's summers were long and hot. I remember being sent to my grandparent's house that stood in the middle of painfully flat meadows. boredom and heat slowing me down, dizzy and not sure who I am anymore.
And yet...I remember one lazy afternoon. Laying on the grass in the orchard. Breathing in heavy air and smell of half - rotten fruit.
My eyes closed. time almost standing still. eating sweet, ripe apples.
And then the wasps came.
I felt the first one landing on my lips. Then the next and a few others. I was petrified.
I couldn't breathe.
But the wasps tamed me. The tenderness of their movements hypnotized me. I didn't want them to go. I gave in. I opened my mouth, slowly letting the wasps in. I think that they were feeding on the bits of apple. At the same time eating all my primal fears away. They flew away but they left the essence of their presence within me.
I was 8.
Since then I'm longing for the feeling of wasps crawling into my mouth. I live my life chasing the wasps.


I will make believe. shush. quiet.
I will still my demons. bury your ghosts. I will pretend.
I lay here on top of cool sheets, my entire arm stinging from needles. fresh ink under skin. I look at it. how odd. a sleeve that doesn't keep me warm. but i had her. have her, hold her now.
Ive lost my place in this book ive been reading. I turn pages and someone has underlined sentences. I think, "this is how much it has also meant to me. "
I have underlined you.
now I write in my moleskine journal. dear you. dear you. dear anyone, but you.

Has she underlined me? I'm thirsty but i don't want to get up, I'm hungry but I don't want to get out of this bed. I am trapped. Do you feel trapped?
this is heaven. just us. here. now. read it. It's for you but not for you. It's something I say when it's late. in the dark. it's something that you can feel but cant touch, does that make any sense? reach for it. ask for it. a story..silly. that's what I meant. ask and I will tell you something that Ive never told anyone ever before.
dear you,

what was our love worth if it was something we could gamble on

" I live near the abyss. I hope to stay"

-

The pact:

We've all made some crazy pacts in our lives. I made one with my friend when i was 12. we said that whenever we got a girl-friend or wife we would trade off having sex with each. The way things were looking, I guess we figured it would be hard enough to get even one girl. This would make it easy to at least get to screw two whole girls in single life time.

I run into him from time to time. He's married and all these years later, it's not like he's forgotten. He jokes that his wife is waiting for me. That he told her all about our childhood pact. And a pact is a pact and she says she understands. It's fine. In fact it's more than fine with her. But it's not really all that fine with me. It seemed like a swell idea at the time. now it's creepy. If it were dirty I'd do it. I can't find the dirty in it. It seems more wrong breaking the pact. It should never be that easy.

I made another one. It was with a girl. when our thing was about to end. you know when you can just feel it?. not enough trust, not enough self-esteem, not enough...whatever. it's to hard because it's to good and maybe you shouldn't be there. you don't deserve it. and you can't because it's not supposed to work like that. happy and scared. it's supposed to be just happy. right? safe. Scared? So there you are constantly waiting. waiting for the fall.

And so It was one of our last nights. the kind when you are just attempting to find some kind of closure. trying to figure out things while you still talk, still fuck. there is all this lying going on but you somehow believe you can cut through all that with a dick inside. Like it can really get in there. like you could ever really figure out what each other is thinking.

It was intense because we both knew it probably was the last time. when you fuck like its going be the last time. It's so good. The sweat and tears and you do it to make it yours. you look in her eyes and you make it. make it hurt. at least that's what i do. To make it mine, we made a pact. That no matter who we were with, how many years go by, any time, any place, move away, married, whatever the fuck. whoever the fuck. that when I find her, or she finds me. that when I call or write or text. I say that i want it. want her. want what is mine. she can't refuse. no matter what. she will meet me. we will meet. when i want it . when she needs it. again.

-

photos by:
photoshoppedflaws
firstkissfeelings