before you're gone

 

before i knew it, i had misplaced summer. your hand in my back pocket, a  tourist in my own town. beach towels and a pirates map. i was never your prude. always wine. always gold. always above. always under.
 I have a good mix for this, i have certain songs in my head. life is moving within a sound track. numbers, patterns. collisions. near misses. beats that make you melt and sway.  there was the holiday party. drunk kisses under garnish. before you go, before you sleep. frost on our lips. a hug so tight. it's obscene. before you close your car door and head home to him.   

before the end of this something- something - or anything and then winter. I drove my truck to the grocery where they sell Christmas trees out front. the cool air and smell of pine. i fall in love with pretty faces, pretty words. pretty sunshine. with blood on the snow, anything, everyone. you.  I made you hot chocolate and we sat by the fire pit in the back-yard. I hate everything about endings. the last moment. the last kiss.
the last
word.

snug as a bug in a rug

snowed in:

only you hear this
dog whistle
only you see this
remnants
of torn
paper

i promised not to speak of
our last night
about the moon
or electrical wires
fire works
or snow
fall

let's share
this
burden of
lies

snowfall
the moon
electric wires
fireworks
my ghost

lay
silent in
this
burden
of truth

you fit me
like an
old winter
coat

good thing

snow fall:

I've minimal grievances directed at your hearts sway
my hand taking yours
this is where i want you to touch me
>>>>C<<<<<
let's share this
weight of
winter

blizzard:

small hands
hurricane heart
filthy mouthed
these aren't even
what i like
best
of you

messages that fall like snowflakes

frost on the car windshield, or ice, i don’t know. I'm unfamiliar living in south Florida with the terms, with cold-  brisk winds, with what most probably view as usual winter.  LL Bean flannel shirt, cafe racer motor cycle jacket, over doing it. how many more times will i get to wear this? to look heavily clothed. to feel warm and  secure. false warmth, false security. I'm over doing it because that's what i do. it's that good or that bad and nothing in between.Yet, in between is where i live. the devil between us.

 I'm making it out to be colder than it is, I'm making it hurt more than it does or should or ever would. she didn't hurt me has bad as i say. Ive almost forgotten. Almost.

 its not really that cold out. but, what I'm feeling isn't fake. it never is, it never was.  I want comfort. warm. do you remember what warm feels like?

the sky is clear. night. day. night. somewhere there is wood burning.  it smells like mountains and pine trees. like my cabin in the woods. like the dream i have of a cabin in the woods. books and music piled floor to ceiling. a dog by a fire in twitch sleep. breathing. always forever breathing.
music with horns or piano, string bass. maybe cellos. music for the lost loves and pets and family. winters we spent silent. guitar drone the lyrics you can’t quite make out. this is vague. these are my words and my arms around you on a cold night. warm.

she just likes to fight

the sun. the ocean, the everglades, the sky. the silence. the flat stones. the gravel, the insects. the wind and the clouds. the moon. the stars. the west and the east. the song, the color, the smell of the earth.

ipod playing music i like. the clouds hang low, grey in a movie fake sky. probably, I wouldnt know. it's getting warm again and you are far again. the breeze carries a silence and a happiness you can't get when the sun rises. shades pulled down, sleepy with distant voices in my head, hers and mine. existence without anxiety. happiness. knowing your body. understanding the real needs of man. the universe was born in violence. stars and love die violently.

perhaps there is no silence. or maybe its just that time is too compact to allow for silence to be felt.

the sun. the ocean, the everglades, the sky. the silence. the flat stones. the gravel, the insects. the wind and the clouds. the moon. the stars. the west and the east. the song, the color, the smell of the earth.


art: casey oconnell

I took her to dinner but all she ever ate were the mints

this slow
burden loving you

waiting
just anything
just words
just presence

her
rust and
honey
mouth

peppermint tooth paste
and bad dreams

snow falling
in
a perfect silence

but i have yet to really feel it.
this slow burden
having loved you

and i have never
seen snow
so there
is
no silence

snow flakes fall and boom goes the heart

I'd say this years
ending note
won't be a punch in the gut.
maybe a loose choke out.
nothing to bruise you
like youre used to, like you like
and need.

it's okay if you do,
and why don't you
find me-
i see the marks
i left on you
have all but
faded.

I'm having trouble thinking up a shiny brief statement- let's see, I promise to do better and be better and let it all go?

highly unlikely. i just keep running , sweating, writing, bleeding, strumming, drumming, coming, going. eating cake. Will it ever be enough to fill your belly, like i did before?

and will there ever be a bigger question as to why?
was there ever any question? if there was, i hope you know
by now.

the silence
and void
is hard
to fill

even
with words.

boom.


photos\art:
goodwinterdeviantart
scott radke

lies to prevent panic

there have been delays due to snow. the static i hear in my head not the white cold dust that falls from the sky. I once saw her catch one on her tongue. a snow flake as unique and special as you. she closed her eyes as it melted in the warmth of her mouth. snow mixed with ash from population growth and nearby drug factories. I asked if she thought it might help with her chronic cough. she reached for my hand.
only this. she said pulling my hand towards her heart.
I felt it beating against her chest.
we have a pulse!! i screamed with joy.
she's alive...she's alive. I began to sing frosty the
snow man.
please don't. please don't she said your making me laugh and youre out of tune.
Happy Birthday!!! she said. More laughing....i get the joke.

we played in snow to celebrate her arrival to this world. my snow-girl. a magic ribbon tied to her hair.
Now don't melt. don't melt. don't melt.....
we danced in the snow. not the static in my head kind but the kind that falls soft and pretty like in movies. It's the only kind I know and that's no lie. I've never seen snow. I tell her.
she says she is surprised.
by what?, I ask.
that you didn't lie.
i said i never promised to tell you the truth, only that I'd never share our secrets and I never have and never will.

the snow never seen nor ever felt or ever will or maybe?, if you showed me.
would you show me?
would you show me if i told you i had more teach you. even if i don't, even if i couldn't. I'd say i do and could just to see you one time laughing in the snow.
purple rain, she says. you got that one time laughing line from purple rain.

when it's cold and it rains is that how snow is made? I asked. really. tell me.
do snow girls bleed or only melt?
she didn't say. she wouldn't say. she wouldn't show me. maybe she doesn't know.

Like dirty sex forcing a change of sheets

It wasn’t as easy as getting the semen stains off my Star Wars sheets. Vintage ones mind - you.
Because, I don’t know what respectable person would even mention the latest 3 movies in the same breath as the first . Much- less purchase the sheet sets. Much less admit to owning them.
These are from the original Star Wars. I am proud of that. Even more so to having found them at a local flea-market. Appearing to be never used. (can you say- mint condition) .
In the hallway closet: It’s not like I don’t have the Empire and Jedi’s neatly folded and awaiting a turn to be soiled.

It was going to be difficult. But not impossible. After all these were the ones that she told me
"Any boy over the age of 12 wouldn’t still be sleeping on".
But truth be told it wasn't all that hard to get her back up against them.
Much less the fact she wasn’t even born when any of the first three movies came out. Much less the fact ...what makes her the expert on men’s bedding anyway? (except I’m sure she’s been on her share of them) damn my inner voice..
I have to admit when she was face down staring Chewbecca in the face, I got a little to excited by the humiliation factor of it all. A hard smack on the ass while giving Han a quick wink or a thumbs-up to Darth as I pulled her hair. Give that Imperialist wench what-for. He seemed to be saying in between his heavy breathing. Most likely really mine.

"Don’t get Cocky kid".
An appropriate movie quote as her sweat falls on the Wookie.
And maybe it was wrong. Maybe it’s as she said.
"It’s okay to grow up and have a big- boy room"

I thought:
Maybe it’s even okay to have a big- boy BLOG too? After so many years of friends, lies, lovers and muses on Live-journal.
It wasn’t easy. And here is the real-life analogy - I am pulling off the old sheets and re-designing the bedding and bath with Nate Berkus’ finest. http://www.lnt.com/shop/index.jsp?categoryId=2061149

As for the Blog? Here it is. New. Different. But I promise it will feel good. I promise more truth and I promise more lies.
The boy in me says..never grow up and the girl in me says.."glitter- glitter, stickers, rainbows" . But that’s another story.

My name is Christian
and this
GOOD WINTER