i liked her when she was sweet and unexplainable

The weight of winter:

Ive been invited for pancakes at my mothers on Sunday. fluffy, blueberry. All the women in my life make delicious pancakes. They bake with aprons tied and hair pulled back. I would say i prefer bacon and eggs but it lacks the charm and whimsy of gooey buttermilk batter and pretty green mixing bowls. It's just a greased up fry pan and spatula nothing poetic. something to have the morning after a night of dirty sex. pancakes are warm blankets, they are snuggling up in bed together like a Kurt Halsey drawing.

I grew up, my mother stayed at home. cooking, cleaning, caring. Always there. I thought that was everyone until about 5Th grade. Of my friends parents that were actually still together, both of them usually worked. I might be slightly needy of attention because of it.

the girlfriends Ive had. I'd never see fathers around. Step-dads at most.
This is Dan she'd say. I'd shake the guys beefy hand and automatically assume he was a creepy sex pervert after my girl-friend. I'd check her room for holes in the walls and cameras hidden in the ceiling.
I couldn't find anything here. but I'll be right back, I'll check the bathroom for you.


I'm the only daddy you'll ever need to know. I'd say.
I'd get a laugh, but some night we'll be having sex and can you guess what she'd call me?
It must be the glasses and stories and the fact i won't let her have any fun. She plays the part of spoiled brat so well, I know she isn't faking. neither am i.

but i like her when she wears her apron baking. she told me it once belonged to her grandmother and it doesn't turn me off any less. she's sweet with the little blue spoon in her hand wearing next to nothing. The apron, the socks, the undies. I'm not saying it's where she should be, but i won't say i don't think it's the hottest thing next to Georgia asphalt and maybe her in my Cowboys #9 Jersey.

It's always these little things. things like blue berry pancakes , aprons - the smell of girl. It kills me to remember that she has a weakness for Patsy Cline and old country music. and her hair clips. I'd pick one up off her night-stand sniff it, press it to my heart. they smell like metal.

Photo credits:Cheap Thursday's'
Art credits: the black apple (etsy)

A beautiful disguise

"Fuck," Renana said, licking her stubby fingers, "We don't fuck. Not that it's a big deal or anything. It's just that, when you're 'a fuck on the side' and the whole sex thing stops, then you're nothing but 'on the side', know what I mean? I'm not saying it's a deal breaker or anything, it's just, you know, a little weird. Because with your wife, even if you don't fuck, you can still visit her parents or fight about who loads the dishwasher, all the normal couple things. But when it happens with a lover, it sort of pulls the rug out." - Etgar Keret

Why the eggs and bunnies ? I couldn't figure that out back in Catholic School and the Nun's never quite answered our questions. What do 5th graders need to know anyway?
Good Friday. How could I forget. At 7:30 a.m sharp. Head to rectory, knock on door 3 taps. I was told to put on my robe. Altar-boy, boy-wonder. It was said we shouldn't eat meat on Good Friday, not told why, and we'd also get to leave school early.
The church smelled like incense and old books, like god and holy water. Like wax and candy.
I always wondered what it would feel like to drip candle wax on a girl. I wondered this because there were always so many candles lit in the church. Even early in the morning. Who had to light all these candles? was it a person, was it god, or saints? Was it the Easter bunny. I wondered about the wax because I had tried it on my arm and it wasn't so bad. I liked the red color that was first liquid and like blood and then cooling hard and dry.
After church, after the party and refreshments, after school. I waited for my ride(Mom) with this red-headed girl named Jennie. Her Mom was always late picking her up too. I liked her because she carried a little radio in her back-pack. Her pack was a fuzzy panda-bear. She offered me gum and turned on the radio. Disco. I pretended to like it.
Then that new song from Sugar Hill Gang came on "Rapper's Delight" - I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you don't stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat....

There were no more buses left, and just a few cars in the parking-lot. Jennie bopped her head side to side. Hippie the hoppin. I had the words mostly memorized already. I turned the radio up and she moved and tried to rap and it was funny. Her Easter basket was filled with candy, glittery green straw, and plastic colored eggs. We ate jelly-beans from my basket to pass the time. She sat down under a tree and I could see up her skirt. Pink. Light pink panties with a bright trim. She spread her legs apart more and I sat in front of her Indian-style. Easter-basket over my lap because it had to be. The sun was shaded by tree branches. I was glad our Mom's were late. Abba was playing now. The reception faded in and out every time a bird or plane flew overhead. Something about a Dancing queen only 17. I wondered about us at 17, we could drive cars and go to concerts, stay up late and have sex. All night, all night. Anytime we wanted. We could get married and make babies. We could go to church on Sunday's . Communion, wafers, tube socks. Name our kids Isabella, Poppy or Gumdrop. Or that could be our dog.

"Do you like dogs." I ask her
"I like dogs and bunnies and panda-bears."
I'd ask her to marry me now if only ........ If Only.
" I see your Mom's car at the corner" she said squinting her eyes. I stood up with my basket still in front of my lap. " Have a good Easter break" I mumble.
I like the way she talks to me drawing out her words like sweet southern tea.
" Hey, but, I'll see you in church, -just two days Christian, Sun-day....in your wonder boy costume....you're cute up there in your....
I dropped the basket and grabbed her behind the neck and pulled her close and kissed her with my eyes closed tight. Maybe it's something i saw on T.V. maybe it's just what I wanted.
...........in- your- robe." She finished slowly. She took a breath. I took a breath. Watermelon and jellybean taste on my mouth. I picked up my basket leaving the 4 brightly colored eggs that had fell out on to the dirt and leaves. We stepped from behind the tree as my Mother pulled up and honked for me to get in the car. I walked away from and then into more radio static. Close the door. More disco. "Tragedy" Bee Gees. My mother saying "blah blah blah I can't believe the traffic, need to cook Easter dinner..blah blah how was school, who is that girl waving". I looked out the window where Jennie pointed to herself, formed a heart with her hands and then pointed to me. I came to the conclusion that the eggs and bunnies had something to do with fertility and the flowers that were soon to bloom. It was Good Friday.