there will be traffic and smoke. there will be pay. (edit)

- It's not hard to trace the doubt but never you'll find me in regret. the cost of living through a sea of words. salt water tending to these old wounds. I have never been on my own and always alone. I have never been on paths secured by guard rails. I have heard her voice. i have kissed her mouth. i have fell. i have tasted you. sweet eve, sweet victory, the sting of bee, the venom of snake, the tear of salt, the blood of your wine. if poison be the drink we serve best, let me drink from your cup. and if there be lies in the stories we tell, let there between the lines be always truth. -

11 days out of work. though I had some money saved and unemployment funds were deposited into my account. I went into survival mode. i went into force of habit. I filled out application after online application. and after no instant results i pushed harder. maybe the media is right, maybe there are no jobs? but i looked around and saw movement and flow and just didn't see it fitting the pattern. If you want something. you'll get it. it comes to you. always. I wanted everything and everything came- at once. 3 job offers. Two of them for more money than i had been making two weeks ago.

I figured maybe i could devise a way to work at home part-time (making a few bucks doing creative things) and have a part-time job. Besides being unfair to my wife(though she gets to help people and enjoys her job) but also curse me for wanting wine from a bottle and not out of box, for my love of buying things on a whim, like sneakers and expensive ingredients to prepare my favorite meals. So, I found a job that is in area of work Ive never done before, but uses many of the skills i have. It pays more than i was previously making and seems challenging enough. I will be able to add these new skills and experience to my arsenal. My thinking is in terms of 3 to 5 year plan. Obtain knowledge and skills i don't already have while working in something new, and either move forward or find something I enjoy even more using the combined experience. It just doesn't make sense to go backwards- to take less pay for something I'm not focused on really enjoying. This still follows my philosophy: Live, work, create. 

edit: I went to a 2nd interview with a company in my field (electrical), except it's the supply side, not the contractor side. (I'm sick of the contractor side) a Big name in the industry, benefits, paid vacation. opportunity for growth. They matched my other offer. It's closer to my home, i wont have to be behind a desk all day and i know people who have worked their for many many years. I think this will be a good thing.

mind in gutter feet on the ground

out here,  things don't go the way we plan. love in uncharted waters. love in anything.
a sinking ship. love corrupt.
love as a whore. cannon fire, walking the plank.
I long for the warm water drowning.
there is no compass and there are no maps. use the skyline. use the  stars.
use me.  

we carry switchblades
we drink from bottles of salt-water tears.

you are the tide that washes over all the names and tattoos.  

i raise the sails and let the wind carry me 

wherever it will. this is revenge

this is kidding ourselves,
this is other lovers and
other beds

this is never expecting to much

this is running away
while looking
for home
raise the sails,

I let wind carry me
and it
does

Where to begin

i ran something over the other day and i don't know what. she calls me out of the blue and i wasn't paying close attention to the road. I don't think anyone does anymore.
im doing things and nothing gets done. does this happen to you too?

I said hello.
i wonder how she got my number. but, I'm easy to find she says and knows it's probably on purpose. i was probably waiting for this. it's what i wait for. Okay. fill me in.

I say, listen, here is what's new:
she's off the pill.
I make an awesome black bean taco.
after the best night of sex Ive ever had i was offered a frozen waffle for breakfast.
I don't just love the ones i cant have anymore.
I love the ones that love me.
dust and pornography have collected on my laptop.
I don't let the stories write me.
There has been to much coffee. not enough sleep.
Ive been hearing my inside voice more and more.
i like pumpkin anything and peanut butter anything.
you anything.
I don't lie unless you ask me too. I like when you ask me to.
Ive been bored with music lately.
I play piano. I drink beer and wine.
I'm going to Mickey's not so scary Halloween party at Disney World 10-31
I no longer eat meat (only fish) .
she likes when i tell her stories.
she believes she still loves me.
I believe in ghosts.
I can no longer find comfort in words.
I don't read what you write.
this is distance.
this is as close to silence that i know.
i think about you almost every single day.
this doesn't belong in the category of secrets.
i like keeping your secrets.
this isn't everything.
it's not far from the truth.