and now she will put me back together

I had this plan. It would turn 2008 and magically things would be better. It was that simple.

Change things up a bit, a new username or two. Concepts and ideas. Get healthy. Try to forget her best I can. Re-group. Write some awesome stories from time to time, review books, movies, music. Possibly make new friends. new muses.

But really all it's been is one thing after other.

I say this sitting here on a generic Vicodin buzz. I don't like charting my demise in blog form. It isn't becoming. It isn't anything but whining.

I have already realized the fact I am getting older and not younger. Things break down. At times. I break down. My body fails me.

A few weeks back a tooth I had fixed last year. Cracked again. The crown cracked. I have little dental work in my mouth. I have taken a huge amount of pride in taking care of my teeth. yearly cleanings, floss, wash, sonic tooth brush. But this ONE tooth. Its been filled, re-filled, then root-canal, crown, cracked, re-crown, cracked, re crown.

About two days after having the old crown taken off and a temp put in. (approx 3 weeks ago)I get a swelling just behind my left ear. It gets bigger and bigger as the day goes on. Until its fucking scary big. I rarely get sick. So I freak when something happens like this. I run to the Dr. He says I have an abscess on the back of my tonsil. It was a Friday. he gave me a shot and more drugs and said to watch it. If it gets bigger go to the hospital I might have to have it drained!!! What. He assures me that he doubts it will come to that. It didn't It down in about a week.

Then I go last week to get the permanent crown back in my mouth. It goes good. there is the typical swelling. The gum hurts adjusting to this new piece of white porcelain. But then on this past Sunday it hurts. It throbs. This is not normal. I am up all night. I am crying. literally crying it hurts to much.

Today I go to my Dentist. An X-ray shows that my original root canal that is over 10 years old could be bad. The tooth, what is left of it, may be fractured. He sends me out to a oral surgeon. He will either give me another root canal or clean it out and seal it. I go.

Instead he suggests I just pull the damn thing. It hurts and I want too. I want so bad. Fine. The tooth has pissed me off for so many years. let's be done with it. In a few months Ill get a single implant and its good as new. I make may choice. PULL.

I am in the chair. But before he starts he takes me Blood Pressure. once, twice, again. NO I cant pull it he says. 'your blood pressure is to high, you could stroke out if I give you the sedation and numbing needed" He gives me these Vicodins and antibiotics instead. tells me to get my BP under control first. My mouth fucking hurts, my head. I haven't slept in 2 days. I call my Doctor Doctor. I am going tomorrow. I took BP meds about 3 or 4 years ago but got it under control and went off them. to much salt, to much something. Its way up and I am so fucked now.

This Vicodin is already starting to wear off. He said there is a chance with the antibiotics that my tooth infection around the root canal may clear up. It might go back to normal and I can wait to get the eventual yank out. I hope so. I don't know.

I am still waiting for that magic to happen. That simple plan. The follow through.

Right now. I am only falling apart.

From Scratch

I went to go GOGGLE a home-made recipe for blue-berry muffins.

Listing Came up: all NEW PHOTOS of Muffin Tops

and another asking would I like to see" HOT GIRLS sweet MUFFINS? "

Well, Yes. yes I would.

But I would also like to make my muffins.

A simple recipe will do.

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Those Strawberry Shortcakes smelled good for the boys and I would sneak into my sisters room so that I could sniff them.

Inhale and close my eyes.. Would any girl ever be able to hold a candle to Blue Berry Muffin or Raspberry Tart?

Was I forever to be in search of a girl who would smell like baked goods? Was I ruined.

Is it my fault that when I started to go to the flea-market years later I ended up finding old dolls in the piles of toys for sale. And many of them even after all those years, still had their smell. So I bought one, then two and then found myself with an entire collection.

The Last Days of the Suicide Kid - Bukowski reads.

this is an even kind of art

Who I find the most fun being, often isn't me.
That guy, never goes down winding roads with foot on gas pedal to the floor.
He does talk to one girl, phone to ear, while texting another. Fingers swollen from excessive cracking of knuckles. Annoying passive aggressive questioning. Slightly confused by his own lies.

One thing I know for sure. He can't pick out a dinnerware set to save his life and he hates, and I mean hates any porno in which the guy is fucking, using a condom.

Hands slip down my shorts when I hear her voice. Some people just do that to you. Someone has been your poison. Someone is your drug. And I bet you anything you don't dare say his name to much anymore. And when you hear that song. Your song. you reach so fast for the skip button.
If you are brave enough try spinning around in front of a mirror and saying my name 3 times. You think nothing will happen? try it. I dare you. Junkie.

I'd tell you I would never spend a dime on it. But we all do. You lie , cheat , steal and you fucking throw- throw your stones. All high-horse judges. All knowing in the merry ol land of OZ.

they fall safely by my feet. Them stones, and I pick em up and I have a good enough arm to bust out all the windows.

"Love me Daddy." Does it all come down to abandonment?
Is this the great search? Is this who you eventually fall in love with or is this just who you want to fuck. Fuck over.

I don't think about economics or religion to often. I figure you all have your own gods and dug yourself a pretty good grave of debit. Someone owes somebody else something and baby the world owes me.... a drink. Pay up.

So, the great debate with myself today is where do I hang that piece of art? and furthermore
Is it even art to begin with?

Lollon