41 drops of blood

    Forty-one today. how the fuck?!  that's a  few candles on the cake. that's having my cake and eating it too. 41- I cant believe it myself and it's me. It's Hum to Lolita, It's 20 is half my age. it's the professor, It' call the runner, It's the confessor, it's the dirty ol man. 
At least its a prime, at least a prime number. fate is based on primes.
Here i am slower to get out of bed and here i go working harder and longer just to add up days.  saving a sudden car crash or heart failure or some major catastrophe, aren't we all destined to live past our mortality rate. slow, slow, slow . to many pills and tubes and miracle cures. to much medicine.there are zombies among us. 
   Im an alchemist in many ways, starting off creating a potion for one thing and ending up with something else entirely. I never meant to write any of this down. this was supposed to be words and numbers for only me to read. but your eyes have pried on the stories i tell.  I have bled and made you bleed. i never meant to hurt you. Here is some truth.- I still think about you. .
But, Im not the kind that wants to go back. I know more now, though i don't know any better or i do know better but now i can see the fall ahead.
 How many more of these, who knows?  I remember nothing of the town where i was born. was there sun or snow? It was the beginning of fall, there were pumpkins and dried leaves, and the sky...oh the sky i bet it was a hazy orange hue.
Im still mixing potions. discovering your poisons and drinking her cures.  I have stumbled upon the best things in life by accident and there are no accidents.

just one wish

What is waiting for worth?
What is worth waiting for?
How many miles are we apart tonight? the few are to many and covered with rocks and snow.
we rise to the same sun and fall to the same moon.
I probably remember it nothing like you. I write my story, you write yours.
I love it that way. dirty and repetitive so we never forget.


Birthdays come and go. there is always a build up that lasts until just about the time I wake up and nothing feels any different. I'd expect a quarter under my pillow if i had lost a tooth but another year comes and goes and I'm better off not to look in the mirror and compare last from this and the one before that. another scar and few more lines. if not desired, deserved.
I wish that If I still don't know any better about keeping you in my heart, at least make me experienced.

I'm just trying to tell you I'll be 40 in a few days and i can't fucking believe it. I'll say the same thing next year, hopefully in some better way. I'll make some kind of mid life crisis wish like I hope for any young girl to still find me a little awesome. but then, those are just words.



I bought a Halloween coloring book yesterday and found i could still color between the lines. She once asked me " Is that where you write too?"
What i colored was a haunted house. It was beautiful and gloomy and I wish I could live there. Dusty books and creaky beds. It reminded me of your room. The bed squeaked every time we moved our hips. every time I put it deeper into you.
you were my favorite scary movie.

a failure at being friends not lovers

the kiss was my victory party. a ring and a cake. a birthday and a wish.
i sent the letter with a bolt of lightning - with thunder, with a hurricane.
puddles left in my driveway remind me of the day i spent over your house. the day the power went out and everything got quiet. we laid on your bed staring at the ceiling holding each others hand. we had just fucked. we had just lied. we had said we wouldn't but we would do it all over again.
then, there was just breathing. and instead of being still I
told you secrets.

little things - said.
left unsaid.
the months and years of words piling up and
left unread.

maybe this once had a heart beat? and
maybe it's not worth thinking about.
the summer swallows us up.
the goodbyes hurt like hell.

photo:Hakumansfriend -flickr