Diluted

 

A still October evening. It remains warm down south but comfortable enough out here on the porch. I drink cold beer. The sun slowly falls from the sky. Monday looms and my stomach pains with the anxiety of pressure deadlines, phone calls to make, orders to write, keep customers happy, keep corporate happy. At the monthy meeting we were told of our branch moving toward the beach. A smaller location. "right-sizing", half the drivers and warehouse staff are being let go. Im inside. I sell all day long to standing accounts. How did it come to this. Being driven again by the reward of money and commision bonuses. Im not even there a year and ive sold close to one million dollars of electrical products. The bosses say its not enough. We are down from last week , last month, last year. And there is no winning for them. How do i always end up in the same place. Striving for an imaginary goal. With tooth pain and stomach ache. Candy. Blood.

The fear of not having a pay check has made me a slave. I crave to many things, to many girls, to many drinks. Objects, needless things. The devil is somehow behind this. Like pop culture and hipsters and Sasha Grey. It sounds like im complaing but im not. The blood-mobile came to our warehouse and they begged for my type A -. I felt special.

It seems silly i have a deviant side for spanking girls bottoms. and since the rise of the fifty shades book. Ive gotten more and more takers. Ive been on various sites since im 27, and now being many years older. It is almost art form. " the husband/boyfriend isnt into it" is what ive heard most. And i cant for the life of me understand why. Shes bad. A bad bad girl. Cant you see she deserves it?

One week and im on vacation. A cabin up in the mountains. Burning wood. Reading books. Away from the computer screens and flourescent lights. Nothing to win. Blood to spill. But enough about me. Tell me, have you been bad?

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A night underwater

I wake up in the middle of the night staring through the darkness at the ceiling . I think of you - wonder if you think of me. Are your eyes wide open. Does the poison of me still flow in your veins. As he lies breathing next to you, the dog twitches, the baby sleeps. Silence and morning. I wont say mistake or destiny or in another life. Ill say once and never. And again.

 

 

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away torpedo

i didn't want to waste the paper writing this note. All those trees, chopped, loaded. lost forever.
for grocery lists, good-bye notes, for solving math. for bad poetry, unfinished novels, restaurant menus, passports, gun licenses, marriage licenses.  I decide against paper.
emailed her instead then sent a text for good measure. words in the wind. arrows shot in the dark to see where they land. all this silence. all those memories. I wake for you. I sleep in the restless sea.
Everything from our bank accounts, to our health, to the reckless strangers we let go, to luck , to the love of our life. It's all hit or miss.

Stange Attractor

sharp objects.
we explore each others bodies north and south.
scars from a fathers hand and mothers mouth.
had the words sunk in ,
had the nights washed over
i could have never reached her
where i swam out

a little rusty
a little worn

a distance
north and south
broken compass
torn map


here is the knowing part
ends with gray skies
a scene in the rain
we can't hear
the words 
ends with
summer
promises
sharp objects

The return of captain big mouth

Push wrong buttons
and fever sweat memories
kissed out like the heat
i knew
inside
her

make my way back
to extreme
fragile circus
to the work 
i do
steering the ship 

floating through
starry sky and
black ink sea 
missing her
smack back 

the way out lies
the way out
over- boat
low- tones

big pink sky
red eye shadow
maxed out to revenge
this should have
have been 

us 
sinking ships
sinking ships