ashore in a sea of ghosts

A few days of rain it starts getting

to me. Im from the land of sunshine, oranges, coconut trees. my skin has a warm glow. things like hot pink yard flamingos and speedo swimwear amuse me. the rain is fun and even romantic but the three weekends in a row- it's not amusing. read books, write, watch movies these are rain things and good things but i end up making music mixes and folding clothes. I like methodical work. The rain beating against the window glass as i push my swifter broom across the room in perfect rows. im cleaning wood floors and mediating at the same time.

I need to find my mood or passion or muse. I like it when you say hi. when you write me notes. I miss you too. i miss you too. I could say it all day long. your little notes so infrequent are like plugging me into a battery charger. Its a fix. a small fix in the world. things tilt. do they for you too? how does it feel when i set you straight?. i miss you too. here's what i think about. what if someday we can break out. there is this magic spell that stops time and only you and i are able move. We meet somewhere and we open doors and we lay in bed. and i think if i could just see, just feel my dark skin on on your pale, on your snowy skin. I believe we can be each others fix. we connect. we dont have to say a word. just be still, just be close. just charge me full of your electric. press play. press play. she misses me.

There isnt an app for that. for you. this feeling. there isnt a place to plug in. and i know we should be happy where we are. and i am and when the rain doesn't fall or it isnt dark or im not half drunk, or that song isnt playing. im fine. when i dont think to much or start writing. i have this habit. i have this habit of repeating myself. i miss you too.the rain stops, time stands still.

 

Shark tooth necklace

Heavy showers most of the weekend. I was hoping for sun before the work week starts. Things have picked up there in the world of electrical supply. Ive been moved inside to the offices for most of the day , helping out with the counter when it gets busy or as needed. I don't mind writing up a few orders on the counter,the social interaction, listening to the customers , their stories. Selling. I have my own cubicle space inside, a direct phone line , a growing stack of vendor catalogs, business cards. I have a few contractor accounts already. Its different on the other side of things, before i was the one buying the supplies, now i sell them. And i have to say there is more fun and challenge in selling or getting materials people need then just ordering crap for a job you were the low bidder on , praying you stay in budget so maybe you might make some money. Screw that. Now they come to me for materials i know they need, all i have to do is give good service and decent prices and i get commission on top of that for just doing my job. Writing up orders. Getting myself fired from that other job was the best thing that could have ever happen.

The sun broke through in the Sunday afternoon. I drove to the beach bringing my dive mask, snorkel and fins. It had been so long since Ive been in the ocean i had almost forgotten how the salt feels on the skin, the briny smell , how it dries when you re in the sun and flakes off like table salt. It's peaceful swimming the surface looking into the shallows below. The colorful fish and coral reef , the pull of the tide, the gentle rock as you move forward kicking your feet as fins. I dive below to get a closer look , to become a part of the sea, my snorkel filling with water holding my breath. There is the silence where you can hear your heart beat. That you can look up from below while touching the sandy bottom, the sun surreal from this angle, fish swim by me curious to what i am and why i am here. Just to be somewhere else for a moment. heart beats and salt water. I make my up to the surface and clear the water from my snorkel.

the coconut and rum , sun tan oil and boiled shrimp. explorers and pirates made their way here to South Florida. Tomorrow ill be in a cubicle under fluorescent lights. But today the sun and the salt water drying on my lips.

 

I cut myself and push you out of my skin

We chased shadows and ghosts and we weren't always the kindliest of ones. Now we chase dreams hold to memories and we reach out  for summery reconnection. 
under the skin, under the sheets,
under the water.  What's another word for drowning?

Our past filled with smoke and hotel rooms. Private therapy. And a little twinge of pain when she drove off. because she was too close to what-might-have been.  That little frenzy of bad habit. If there's no pain and no loss, it's only recreational, and we can leave it to the wolves. People have to be valued.   

We exchange words few and far and in between our silences. I've found comfort in the knowing. in the heat of the summer night. just knowing. 

my wait is u

They moved me. i was working at the new job for a month and they moved me to the main branch which is 18 more miles of over 4 dollar a gallon gasoline and toll roads away. highway miles,  high speed day dreams. Though its further it takes the same amount of time because of the open road. No red lights. No school zones. I shift from lane to lane on cruise control. I tell myself i wont tap on the break no matter what. slower cars , an 18 wheeler.  whatever I play games in the early morning barely light and then on the way home at 4:30. Several pay checks in the bank, i like buying the sneakers and wine again. maybe i should have been putting it away. There isn't much going on at this branch, its in the middle of nowhere. slow slow slow..its all i here all day from the sales dept, the managers, the corporate emails. So why did they hire me a month ago when they didn't even need me. I can't figure anything out anymore. Its all just experience for the next BIG thing. So far Ive learned a new wholesale supply industry computer system, been certified driving a stand-up lift (order picker),  and actually made 100 dollars commission in the short time i was at the other store just doing my job. Selling electrical and data products. Guess, we all cant be as busy as an Apple store or Starbucks in the morning. Hopefully, something turns around soon in the construction market or I have a feeling Corporate will come down and make sweeping and radical changes. They always do.
I knew this job with its good pay, 401k , vacation, all those wonderful things Ive never had before was probably to good to be true.

Like the when you're with someone and you know its going to good and she's pretty and funny and fucks like a whore but she's yours , at least most of the time and then you re like-  this doesn't happen. this doesn't happen to me. this good shit. and then you think it and of course it becomes true. it's what you fucking wished for.
 
So i wish all good things. for me and you and everyone. someone to fuck you good, to pay you good and job you LOVE so much its not like work. It's like fun. its like fucking. it's like i always told her.
everything should be like

Fuck
ing    

when you noticed your ghost

It's so warm today it could be summer. She empties the drawers and lays out her dresses. Cotton soft, bright and clingy.  It could be oblivion. We ride our bikes when the sun starts to fall. The breeze through her hair and dress, breaks every bone in my body. It's warm, my bones heal, my blood is blue through my skin. Red outside where the air touches it, where the lies and sweat and wine flows.

New noises: baby cries, dogs barking, the high-pitched whistle of our dented tea kettle. Perfect in it's imperfection. The last few notes of a song you recommended. Am I the ghost you wanted me to be?

The heat sticks to the pavement like a summer dress to skin. Neon lights and palm tree sway. Tourists on spring-break pack hotels and emergency rooms with sunstroke. To many beers with lime and key west shrimp. Tits bouncing to the reggae beat. There are more clothes off than on. Tattoos telling the stories of each others lives. The salt water draws them in. The briny air and art deco moon.