spell that made a word

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                      Time to begin.

Patience & lightning bugs

The majority of us lead obscure lives. Set to the level of wants and needs, to much is never enough. They teach this in all the institutions. Work harder and longer, acquire more knowledge, more money, more happiness. But we aren't happy or smarter or wealthier. Just bored, lonely, hollow. On the weekends I look at my work email. I might as well get a jump on things.

My home looks like all the others on this block. We have the same cars, same dogs, wives, kids, gas grills, oil stained driveways, manicured lawns. Same jobs. Middle of the road pay, vacation time, appreciation by management. A routine job, a routine life intermixed with anything to make life liveable, booze, pills, tv, music, deviant sex.

At some point we get sick and die. Or just by some accident we die. The common thread is die. We sit and ponder what this is all about, what it means, how we fit in to it. Saving the planet, the animals, eating right, being patient, fine, balanced , kind?

With a few key strokes i dial up a younger girl on the internet in need of some Daddy fun. Have you been a bad girl? Spanking anyone? And don't think im naive enough not to believe that deep down she doesnt really want to go all hard-candy on me. Id end up tied, gagged, kicked and bleeding. But even that- at least its something different. Less routine.

Less like the houses on my block , the cars , the job, the tvs turned up loud to drown out the screaming kids. dog asleep like a king on a fifty dollar plush dog bed thinking. What the fuck. This isn't so bad.

Winter is Coming

 
                                  but there are always the someplace elses and someone elses and these visions of roads i havent traveled. I havent learned to be still. be still. my heart. my lust. be still.
  I have placed my fingers in places and lips in faces and all that i ever desired still not enough.
  send me your love and your glory and your wishes. send me your dreams and your hopes and your fears. let me swallow them with pen and paper. let me choke you and violate you with these places of somewhere else. of someone else. because who knows where you are?
                         There is a cold dark space between the lines. lets live there. lets fuck there. lets never let this die a million times.
                   lie next to them. be somewhere else. with someone else. or there. with me. just there.
lay still. breathe morning. breathe sunshine. breathe winter.  

Diluted

 

A still October evening. It remains warm down south but comfortable enough out here on the porch. I drink cold beer. The sun slowly falls from the sky. Monday looms and my stomach pains with the anxiety of pressure deadlines, phone calls to make, orders to write, keep customers happy, keep corporate happy. At the monthy meeting we were told of our branch moving toward the beach. A smaller location. "right-sizing", half the drivers and warehouse staff are being let go. Im inside. I sell all day long to standing accounts. How did it come to this. Being driven again by the reward of money and commision bonuses. Im not even there a year and ive sold close to one million dollars of electrical products. The bosses say its not enough. We are down from last week , last month, last year. And there is no winning for them. How do i always end up in the same place. Striving for an imaginary goal. With tooth pain and stomach ache. Candy. Blood.

The fear of not having a pay check has made me a slave. I crave to many things, to many girls, to many drinks. Objects, needless things. The devil is somehow behind this. Like pop culture and hipsters and Sasha Grey. It sounds like im complaing but im not. The blood-mobile came to our warehouse and they begged for my type A -. I felt special.

It seems silly i have a deviant side for spanking girls bottoms. and since the rise of the fifty shades book. Ive gotten more and more takers. Ive been on various sites since im 27, and now being many years older. It is almost art form. " the husband/boyfriend isnt into it" is what ive heard most. And i cant for the life of me understand why. Shes bad. A bad bad girl. Cant you see she deserves it?

One week and im on vacation. A cabin up in the mountains. Burning wood. Reading books. Away from the computer screens and flourescent lights. Nothing to win. Blood to spill. But enough about me. Tell me, have you been bad?

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A night underwater

I wake up in the middle of the night staring through the darkness at the ceiling . I think of you - wonder if you think of me. Are your eyes wide open. Does the poison of me still flow in your veins. As he lies breathing next to you, the dog twitches, the baby sleeps. Silence and morning. I wont say mistake or destiny or in another life. Ill say once and never. And again.

 

 

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