Sea Sex Sun

I'm used to leaves in the water it was a murky above ground pool where i learned to swim. In her backyard when her parents weren't home. On the last day of school. I mean like last day forever because it was high school and i was getting a job and just enough money to travel. To go somewhere new and different and not here. And she taught me to swim, the girl next door, we grew up together and now she had tits and curves and a murky pool with leaves.

I rode my bike home the last day in the rain. Washing away the ill effects of hormones and lies.  The promise if I went to college id get a good job and a good wife and house and wed have a baby and id live this fairytale life. Grinding through traffic to go to a boring job I hated, strangled inside a pressed shirt and fancy tie that feels more like a noose than success. But, the office girls talk behind my back- "What a powerful well behaved man."

I jumped off my bike and let it just crash into the yard. I saw her in her backyard getting in the pool in bra and panties and she waved me over. I thought how gross the water was and how beautiful. She ignored me at school the last four years, though when we were younger we had played doctor. We played king and queen too and i tied her to my swing set with her jump rope. It was still raining, i took off my jeans and shirt and climbed the ladder. I dove in head first and grabbed her foot underwater. It was murky and smelled like burnt leaves, warm as a stew and the bottom slick with algae. We were sure to catch something. Don't drink it she told me laughing. All of a sudden we were free from school, free from burden. And she swam over and kissed me like she meant it. Its what goodbye feels like and i have felt it many times since. But i was happy then and everything was new. Like learning to swim again. Two strangers in last winters dark water.

Fist, teeth. Money

 

Ever wonder how you got to the place you are now? ' How'd i end up in this windowless box within a box within a box'Wasn't i just here? Didn't i just escape this?Take another sip of corporate Kool-aid. Sell something. Sell something electrical. Electric. I've only ever been good at selling my words. payment in the form of connections. bad intentions. secrets. sins. in photographs. in memories. in blood. in sweat. in tears. high commidities. based on the nothingness abliity to read between the lines. Take another sip, go ahead and tilt it all the way back, taste the creature comforts.The fear of living simply within myself, without the distractions purchased by extra money ive made off commisions. I dream about a cabin in the woods. I dream of wine country. I dream of salt water. Where are the melodies i cant get out of my head, her smell i cant rub off my skin. The road trips and hotel rooms. the half naked stranger shaved smooth. willing. my commision. This box within a box within a box. my only escape - are these few lines written on company time.

 

ashore in a sea of ghosts

A few days of rain it starts getting

to me. Im from the land of sunshine, oranges, coconut trees. my skin has a warm glow. things like hot pink yard flamingos and speedo swimwear amuse me. the rain is fun and even romantic but the three weekends in a row- it's not amusing. read books, write, watch movies these are rain things and good things but i end up making music mixes and folding clothes. I like methodical work. The rain beating against the window glass as i push my swifter broom across the room in perfect rows. im cleaning wood floors and mediating at the same time.

I need to find my mood or passion or muse. I like it when you say hi. when you write me notes. I miss you too. i miss you too. I could say it all day long. your little notes so infrequent are like plugging me into a battery charger. Its a fix. a small fix in the world. things tilt. do they for you too? how does it feel when i set you straight?. i miss you too. here's what i think about. what if someday we can break out. there is this magic spell that stops time and only you and i are able move. We meet somewhere and we open doors and we lay in bed. and i think if i could just see, just feel my dark skin on on your pale, on your snowy skin. I believe we can be each others fix. we connect. we dont have to say a word. just be still, just be close. just charge me full of your electric. press play. press play. she misses me.

There isnt an app for that. for you. this feeling. there isnt a place to plug in. and i know we should be happy where we are. and i am and when the rain doesn't fall or it isnt dark or im not half drunk, or that song isnt playing. im fine. when i dont think to much or start writing. i have this habit. i have this habit of repeating myself. i miss you too.the rain stops, time stands still.

 

Shark tooth necklace

Heavy showers most of the weekend. I was hoping for sun before the work week starts. Things have picked up there in the world of electrical supply. Ive been moved inside to the offices for most of the day , helping out with the counter when it gets busy or as needed. I don't mind writing up a few orders on the counter,the social interaction, listening to the customers , their stories. Selling. I have my own cubicle space inside, a direct phone line , a growing stack of vendor catalogs, business cards. I have a few contractor accounts already. Its different on the other side of things, before i was the one buying the supplies, now i sell them. And i have to say there is more fun and challenge in selling or getting materials people need then just ordering crap for a job you were the low bidder on , praying you stay in budget so maybe you might make some money. Screw that. Now they come to me for materials i know they need, all i have to do is give good service and decent prices and i get commission on top of that for just doing my job. Writing up orders. Getting myself fired from that other job was the best thing that could have ever happen.

The sun broke through in the Sunday afternoon. I drove to the beach bringing my dive mask, snorkel and fins. It had been so long since Ive been in the ocean i had almost forgotten how the salt feels on the skin, the briny smell , how it dries when you re in the sun and flakes off like table salt. It's peaceful swimming the surface looking into the shallows below. The colorful fish and coral reef , the pull of the tide, the gentle rock as you move forward kicking your feet as fins. I dive below to get a closer look , to become a part of the sea, my snorkel filling with water holding my breath. There is the silence where you can hear your heart beat. That you can look up from below while touching the sandy bottom, the sun surreal from this angle, fish swim by me curious to what i am and why i am here. Just to be somewhere else for a moment. heart beats and salt water. I make my up to the surface and clear the water from my snorkel.

the coconut and rum , sun tan oil and boiled shrimp. explorers and pirates made their way here to South Florida. Tomorrow ill be in a cubicle under fluorescent lights. But today the sun and the salt water drying on my lips.

 

I cut myself and push you out of my skin

We chased shadows and ghosts and we weren't always the kindliest of ones. Now we chase dreams hold to memories and we reach out  for summery reconnection. 
under the skin, under the sheets,
under the water.  What's another word for drowning?

Our past filled with smoke and hotel rooms. Private therapy. And a little twinge of pain when she drove off. because she was too close to what-might-have been.  That little frenzy of bad habit. If there's no pain and no loss, it's only recreational, and we can leave it to the wolves. People have to be valued.   

We exchange words few and far and in between our silences. I've found comfort in the knowing. in the heat of the summer night. just knowing.